These Are My JOTtings...

Grief is Grievous, but There is Hope in Pain.

How easy it is to put the best spin on things.
We humans don't like to think about losing for any length of time.
We humans like to win whenever we can, wherever we can and often, sadly, however we can.

The Atlanta Falcons lost Super Bowl LI this year.
For this fan it still seems like a BIG LIE.
That wasn't supposed to happen.
We were leading by a large margin.
We were supposed to WIN our first Super Bowl!
We were entitled to WIN our first Super Bowl!
But we lost the Super Bowl!
I did not participate in one play,
but it felt like a personal loss because I identified with the cause.

In the past two months I tried out for two large roles in our local community productions of Our Town & The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe. In Our Town I tried for the part of the Stage Manager, the part that acts as the Narrator for the whole show. This part has a large number of words to memorize. I was cast as Mr. Webb, the newspaper editor. This part is still significant. However, the number of words to memorize is significantly smaller. In The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe I wanted to play the part of Aslan, the Lion. That is one of the featured roles in the play. I was cast as Professor Digory Kirke, an important role with very few words.

The fact remains that I have as yet not proved myself to be a strong lead actor. However, my skills as a supporting actor are very strong, and these are widely known.

The next important point is that only God could know that I was about to lose my Mother from the cast of Earth's large Play, when I tried out for the larger roles. Therefore, the smaller roles are a gift. I'm not sure I would be able to memorize large bodies of character words, while dealing with fresh grief, but the smaller roles should be just the ticket for keeping me moving and going forward in life.

My body is feeling the effects of grief right now. There is a physical let-down after all the adrenaline of the past week and a half of going to care for the needs of my Mother as she crossed-over Death's chilly river, (ref. A Pilgrim's Progress) as well as the needs of other family members like my brother after she passed. The physical effects are displayed in a greater need for sleep, patience in writing and greater need for deliberate words in communication with others. (Though I am in recovery from grief, I do not want to cause pain to others in any hastily spoken words.)

"Give yourself a couple of years. It'll get better." These were the words of advice given to me, when Dad passed away nearly 15 years ago. I suppose I was more able to function effectively after those two years, but there is still a hole in my heart from his absence. As a believing Christian I have Hope for the future, but as a very real human there is the minor tune of Loss with which I must live every day right now in this life.

Now, as Data in Star Trek the Next Generation I am listening to two minor songs simultaneously.

I wouldn't turn off the tunes even if I had the ability to do so.
I want to remember both of my parents.
I want to remember them lovingly.
I must experience the grief, faithfully, in freshness,
until I can experience the grief in the healing of resolution.

Always to remember...
Always to enjoy their lives...
Always to anticipate the hope of being with them, again, some day...
Always to live pressing forward, drawing on the strength they have provided me in the past...

I must embrace the Joy of their experience of The Picardy Third,
while embracing the Toccata & Fugue of Mr. Bach's ponderous creation.

What a great musical creator Johann Sebastian Bach truly was!
He knew that the great minor song
would consistently be followed
by the lasting resolution
of the final major chord.

I experience pain for now,
but there is Hope as an Anchor in the midst.

by Jay O'Toole
on March 3rd, 2017