Sandy Supposes....

Failure to launch myself atop skates...

PROMPT: The Wildcard Round! Tell us about a time that you failed hysterically at something.

          So, I'm being asked to recline on a therapist's sofa ,and share an admission, a revelation of only one of my failures... Yes, I'll admit I am human, and sometimes I make mistakes. Actually, the couch is comfy, and safe. I doubt I'll fall from it, and injure myself. Sigh, my one all-encompassing failure is that I am a klutz, or physically challenged. I'm not sure my limbs understand the concept of team work, and co-ordination, therefore, sports are not my forte. I was going to write not my strength, but I seem to always have some of that in reserve when the inevitable injury occurs.

          Anyway, as a teenager I attempted to roller skate. Repeatedly, stubbornly, I laced on a heavy pair of boots that perched precariously atop multiple sets of loosey-goosey wheels. I chose to do this in a public arena. Yes, there were always wide-eyed witnesses because my friends and I skated in our local arena , in the summer when the ice had been removed. We went for the music. We went to meet up with boys. We went 'cause it was the thing to do in our small town. We went to hang out, but I usually battled with gravity and fell out.

          No, I didn't fall out with my pals, or fall into a rough crowd. I mean I fell, hard, not for the boys, but onto the unforgiving cement floor. Oh, how I envied those skaters who could hang. They were able somehow to stand still if they so chose, or roll, or boogie, or twirl and spin, or stop wherever and whenever they wanted. Their feet and legs mastered skating. I never mastered the nonchalant stand. My wheels were perverse, and forever rolling. My feet were constantly juggling to balance themselves. To stop I had to crash into the boards of the wall, or grab someone's hand, or collapse onto the floor. For obvious reasons, that latter stop was too sudden, and painful for me.

         It was a personal triumph if I managed to circle the arena floor once. It took a great deal of concentration, and cold sweat. Looking back, the crowd of my friends probably were responsible for the times I remained upright. I just was swept along. I was buoyed, and jostled, but I was on my own two feet.

         The moment I let my guard down, relaxed a bit too much ,and listened to the music, I would slip, stumble, and sprawl. Most of the other skaters easily avoided my struggles; the flailing windmill arms and the scissoring feet. They had responsive reflexes. I did startle more than a few unlucky souls though. Ah, if only those were the days of cell phones, and if only I was more graceful... oh, the wonderfully candid pics I could've captured! I saw looks of horror, panic, disbelief, and distaste. Okay, they were more than justified since I tended to grasp desperately at anything, or anyone to prevent my inevitable tumbles. I caught arms, sometimes pulling off jackets. There were a few near stranglings. I grabbed belts. I brushed crotches. I clung to legs, I didn't discriminate, male or female. On occasion, I tripped somebody.

         After every skating session, I limped home, ( I had to walk and I use that term loosely), with multiple fresh, tender bruises and bleeding blisters. What can I say, I obviously was a glutton for self-punishment.

         As if I hadn't endured enough battering with roller-skating, I endeavoured to ice skate as an adult. As to be expected, that too was demanding too much of my limited abilities. Other people made it look so easy, graceful, and effortless. They could stroke, glide, and slide. I'm married to a former competitive figure-skater. He's comfortable on a thin blade of steel. He did it all, spin, jump, hoist and hold a partner aloft when not throwing and catching her. Not that he insisted I skate, but I wanted to attempt it, and share this activity with my granddaughters. Huh, I must've had residual brain damage from my roller skating days.

         Who first had the bright idea to slip and slide on a frozen surface atop something narrower than a human foot? I require footwear more akin to a snowshoe, broad and substantial. My falls were entertainment for the kids. They tittered and hooted at the sight of an adult polishing the ice. Miraculously, I failed to crush any of the small show-offs. I should've worn a helmet, and hockey pads, but I had a reputation to maintain. I didn't want to appear silly, or look like a complete amateur. Never mind stroking side to side, I tottered. Stopping is supposed to be a simple move known as shifting body weight.... whoa, I had too much shifting going on...

          Alas, ice skating is no easier than roller skating. Balance, co-ordination, they are alien concepts. Both result in contusions, and blisters. Some day, before my legs completely revolt and abandon any and all efforts to keep me upright, I'd like to master walking. It all begins with small steps...