Chris' Christian Blog

Finding Me

"Finding Me" 



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The Blog City Prompt Forum prompt fro Wednesay March 1, 2017 is "To find yourself." What do you think this phrase means? Write anything you want about this."

I can't speak to what "finding yourself" means to anybody else but i know exactly what it means to me. I spent most of my life running and I didn't even know what I was running from. I didn't like myself at all but it's very hard to like somebody you know very little about. I mean I knew the trivial stuff about myself. I knew what way I combed my hair,, what foods I liked, and pretty much what style of clothing i liked. I will admit though that I don't know how many times my ex-wife would pick up something and ask if I liked it only to have me respond "I don't know."

It wasn't because I was being evasive. I honestly didn't know if I liked them or not. I didn't know myself well enough to know what I liked. I lived for years and knew very little about myself. For example i didn't know that I liked any music but classic country for many years, partly because my parents listened to nothing else, but also because I shut myself off from myself and compartmentalized my life so much that i didn't really know much about me at all. I wore masks and never let anybody see beyond them. A few people thought they had me figured out and it was their job to think so. They were therapists and psychologists yet I never really gave them a fair shake either because I was seldom totally honest with them.

I finally began to discover who I really was when I started my recovery. One of the steps 12 step programs suggest members to do is called a fourth step, which is a "searching and fearless moral inventory". In this step one takes stock of what makes up one's personality, much like a store takes stock of the items it has and needs. This inventory was a real eye-opener for me. I discovered some things about myself that were hard to swallow and a lot of things about myself that I really liked. It was all part of me however and I changed or am changing what I didn't like and nurturing what I do like. I know me today so yes, I can relate to "finding oneself."