Witness to Withness

Looking for a job

Job said the Lord gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord

Human being no human doing
but being human takes labor
None of us comes to this world alone
Only when we decide to work together
Can we call a place we love a home

Much has happened since I left the hospital so long ago. One of the key themes however is the need to find a job and get back to work if you wanted to be free. From an early age I liked the idea of earning money. Mom used to pay us so much for brushing her hair. Dad would pay us at various times for cleaning the yard or helping with the newspapers, which became a large part of his life early on. I find a job and I get money to do things with. Anymore, I get money to pay bills.

As I sought away to escape Taunton State Hospital, the ongoing theme was to get a job and then you could get out. It was a very unsettling feeling. At that time in my life I had very little job experience. I was feeling roughed up by depression. And as I look back getting a job does not ensure they will let you out of the hospital, which made the communication to look for a job futile. So I went through a time of thinking I was going to rot and wither away. It was kind of like my present plight. I get terminated and wonder who or what would dare to take a chance on me. The stigma of mental illness was awful. And if that were not bad enough, I also wonder if someone fire me again or in the case of being hospitalized put me back in before I could enjoy freedom at all.

But then their was Paul Dever, which was a place for the mentally disable, of which I would have been counted one. There all these pieces put together and for 100 pieces in an hour you could make five dollars. The major goal was to get you out of the hospital and get in the mood to want to leave the hospital for much better times ahead. Nobody tells you that the workplace can be as brutal as a state hospital. I did not find that out until I was 61 going on 62. It is one of those special rites of passage. People expect more out of you especially if you are a minister. This was very true in the context of being at Taunton. It was an aspiration. I would give my life to help persons to know God in ways that they might share with others. That is the hitch. I want to help people know the same God that has rescued me. The problem is that sometimes no one listens.

That was the what was confusing about this crazy journey from mental illness in a recovery context. So much of what happened depended on that job and whatever you do not lose that job once you get it. That was the clearest message that went through my head. It was nice to work at the Paul Dever place mentioned. At least I felt useful and felt no need to hide behind my guises of being special. And it was like this disease that people call being a workaholic. I worked at a cafe at a place call Multi-service a program that aided one to make the transition to the real world. I worked with a man named Walter and he made me feel I mattered and it was not long before I was filling out an application at Burger King, which meant that I could pay my way at the halfway house. Unfortunately for me it was the beginning of getting in the pressure cooker of needing to succeed at all costs. My first day at Burger King was a disaster. Everything seemed to be going in my direction and I had no idea what to do with it. When in doubt throw it away or so I thought. This big man from the marines took issue with this and barked at me to stop, keeping my job depended on it. It certainly did not help that I began my job on one of the busiest times of the day.

Much of my work experiences reflected my uncertainty about what would happen next. After all I was told just before my entry into Taunton that if I was able to work at the college over the summer I would be back at school in the fall. Well that did not pan out and the greatest hurt was not seeing the employees that I had made purposeful connections with. It was like being cast into an ocean and not knowing where to go. So I did my best and I experienced my share of disappointments. It always meant that I better get my act together or else. I have done well up until about a week ago. I felt the most disturbed I have felt in my life. I had worked no more than six weeks in a totally new place. I thought I had been doing a good job. I did have a little trouble figuring out where everything was early on. It was in the midst of this that I was invited to stay at a client's house. It ended up being a large mistake. I have always been the kind of person who loved to be invited to places. It was a sign I must be doing a good job. After all much of my troubles came from not being welcomed back for one reason or another. Another employee took advantage after my so called mishap. He got in trouble and I was called into an office, asked if I stayed in the client's house and after a forty minute consult was given a termination form to sign. It was like being back in Taunton all over again. So where do you go after you are in a place that you despised and feared? I feel caught in a transitory state looking for a job that was in my DNA since birth after all it was labor that brought me into the world. I guess this chapter in my life is one way to respond to the need to find work. I am looking over a future landscape. What is my legacy? I am looking for work and I pray that God will have something for me to do in heaven, otherwise I will know I am in hell.