Evolution of love

Divine Mother

The Master said of his thoughts and experiences in those days during worship and meditation:
"There is an image of Bhairava (a form of Shiva) in meditation on the parapet of the natmandir in front of the Kali temple. While going to the temple to meditate, I would point to the image and tell my mind: "You must meditate on the Mother like that motionless statue". No sooner did I sit down to meditate than I would hear clattering sounds in all of my joints, beginning in my legs. It was as if someone inside me were turning keys to lock me up, joint by joint. I was powerless to move my body or change my posture, even slightly. I couldn't stop meditating, or leave the temple, or do anything else I wanted. I was forced to sit in that posture until my joints began clattering again and were unlocked, this time beginning at my neck and ending in my legs.

When I sat to meditate, at first I would see particles of light like swarms of fireflies. Sometimes I would see masses of light on all sides, covering everything like a mist; at other times I would see, that everything was pervaded by bright waves of light like molten silver. I would see those things sometimes with eyes closed and sometimes with eyes open. I didn't understand what I saw; nor did I know, if it was good or bad to be having such visions. So I prayed anxiously to Mother: "I don't understand, what's happening to me. I don't know any mantras and incantations to call You. Please teach me, how to know You. Mother, if You won't teach me, who will? I have no refuge or guide except you". Thus I used to pray with a one-pointed mind and cry profusely with a longing heart".

Previously, during worship and meditation the Master would see the Mother's hands, or Her shining delicate feet, or Her beautiful, loving, and smiling face. But now - even when it was not time for worship and meditation - the Master would see the complete form of the luminous Divine Mother smiling, talking, accompanying him, and guiding him by saying: "Do this; don't do that". Earlier in his sadhana, while offering food to the Mother, the Master would see a flashing ray of light, emanate from the Mother's eyes, touch the food articles, gather their essence, and then withdraw back into Her eyes. But now as soon as he offered food, and sometimes even before that, he would see the Mother Herself seated to eat the food, the lustre of Her body pervading the whole temple. Hriday said that one day he went to the shrine and watched as the Master took a hibiscus flower and a bel leaf in his hand to offer at the feet of the Mother. He held them and meditated, but then he suddenly cried out: "Wait, Wait! Let me say the mantra first, and then You can eat". He then offered food to the Mother before using the ritual.

Hriday recalled: "When one entered the Kali temple in those days, one could perceive an ineffable divine presence and feel an eerie sensation, even when Uncle wasn't there - and much more so, when he was. I couldn't resist the temptation of seeing how he acted, when he was performing the worship. As long as I was actually watching him, my heart was full of reverence and devotion. But when I left the temple, I would begin to have doubts and ask myself: "Has uncle really gone mad? Why else would he do such strange things?" ... Like Hriday, some people visited the temple during the worship service and saw the Master's unusual behavior. ... No normal person would behave in such an unscriptural, wayward manner during worship. In fact, the worship service and food offering to Kali were not performed properly: Ramakrishna had ruined everything. ...

During this period the Master's mind had transcended the limited bounds of Vaidhi Bhakti (preparatory devotion) and was moving fast towards the higher realm of Raga Bhakti (Supreme Devotion). This happened in such a simple and natural way, that he himself could not comprehend it, much less others! This much he realised: compelled by his exuberant love for the Divine Mother, he could not desist from acting as he did. It was as if someone was forcing him to do so. He supplicated the Divine Mother with a loving heart: "Mother, I don't understand. Why am I in this institution? Please make me do what I am supposed to do and teach me what I am supposed to learn. Hold me close to You all the time". ...

The Master's ecstatic delight with the Divine Mother increased to such an extent, that it became impossible for him to conduct the daily worship as well as the occasional special services to the Goddess. The Master thus illustrated how one's obligations naturally fall away with spiritual progress. ... Continually absorbed in ecstasy, he served the Divine Mother whenever and however he pleased. For example, sometimes he offered food to the Deity without performing the worship. Or when he was absorbed in meditation, he would forget his separate existence from the Mother and decorate his own body with the flowers and sandal paste, that were intended for the worship of the Goddess. According to the Master, he acted this way because of his constant vision of the Divine Mother within and outside himself.