Thoughts & Things

Reading and Fibromyalgia

This is a personal topic, and I thought it would be appropriate to start my blog off on a personal note. I actually originally wrote this as a submission for another blog, however it was not accepted so it remains mine. It also remains true, and a personal point that I feel well worth sharing.

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So you pick up your book, and you start reading. You’re really into it, or maybe you’re not. Either way, on a normal day you would fly through this. But for some reason, today you are finding yourself unable to focus, you’re re-reading lines, your mind is wandering. No matter how hard you try to focus on what’s in front of you, you just can’t seem to focus enough to accomplish much. I think most readers can relate to feeling this way at one time or another. Maybe you’re having a bad day. Maybe you have a headache. Maybe the cat won’t get off the book. Maybe you’ve had one too many glasses (or bottles) of wine.

For me, these days come more often than most, and it doesn’t have to be for any particular reason. I have what is called fibromyalgia, along with a host of co-morbid illnesses. My primary symptoms are chronic pain and fatigue, but these aren’t my only symptoms. I get something called “fibro fog,” which is a user-friendly term for the cognitive dysfunction that plagues my life.

It doesn’t happen all the time, but it happens a lot. It can be hard to think or concentrate. It can be hard to carry out a conversation since I forget the words coming out of my mouth as I’m saying them. Word choice, in general, can be a problem for me; if a word looks or sounds similar to another word, I will often swap them out, both in speech and writing. I also have problems with spelling that I never used to have. Any number of things can bring on the fibro fog. Having a bad day for my other symptoms (like pain), not sleeping well or just being tired in general, being stressed or overworked, side effects from my medications, or sometimes just for no apparent reason at all.

I’m sure you can imagine how easy it is to read when this is affecting me. That is, not at all easy. Having a chronic illness that has an effect on my ability to read is hard, especially when most of my life has revolved around books. It feels like I have lost a part of my identity, and it can be a struggle many days to do the thing I love most. I used to read a book a day; now I am lucky to finish one or two in a week. I can only even manage that much because I put extra effort into it. Books are my passion, and although my invisible disability makes my passion harder to pursue, I am only encouraged to pursue it harder.

I've always felt that most people never think about how a chronic illness like fibromyalgia affects anything outside the physical. However, I think what I’ve said will probably ring true for many people with both physical and mental health problems. Focus can be a real issue, and sometimes there really isn’t anything you can do.

I’ve read more articles than I can recall about how to read better, how to focus better, how to learn better, etc. Sometimes it just doesn’t matter what your technique is. When your mind is in an unending haze, there isn’t anything you can do to make that focus appear out of nowhere. Even without the cognitive dysfunctions, feeling like you just went a few rounds against a pro boxer or having taken so many pills that you should rattle when you walk just doesn’t leave a whole lot of you left over.

Just like anyone else who loves doing something that is hard for them, I work hard to be able to read. I may not be able to do what I used to be able to do, but I work hard to do what I can. I figure out what works for me, and I push through. If nothing is working, I do what I can. Sometimes that means just stepping back. And that’s okay. When you love something, you have to work at it. I think we can all agree that books are worth it.