Stories for 100 Days of Writing

The Diary of Amelia Jane

When I looked out I always saw the robin hopping around in the snow, seeing if the bigger birds might knock off a tit-bit or two from the table. So many birds have passed through the tiny garden since Jack put the table up, he was so proud of it.
         'It'll take your mind off things when I'm gone' he would always say.
I would tell him to stop being silly but as usual, he took no notice. During his illness, he often said things like that and I ignored them but I would recall them with great clarity later.
         'What ya looking at' came a familiar voice breaking into my thoughts
         'Hi Caroline, I wasn't looking at anything, just thinking'
         'Bout your 'usband again'
'Yes I guess so but it's no use dwelling, it won't get me anywhere, best get back to work
'Best thing for ya if ya ask me' she said as she disappeared round the corner
Caroline is a colourful character, we've been working together for about six months now, she isn't great at her job but we get on well enough and I've learnt to accept her, I guess you could say we have struck up an unusual friendship. At least I know where I stand with her, more than you can say for some of the others here. I never thought I would end up doing this job, cleaning, here of all places, but however oppressive this place is I know it won't be for long, a couple of years at the most and then I can return to some kind of normality. After a while, Caroline's cheerful face appears again, I am certain her smile always appears first, white against her dark skin followed by her hair that looks as if it is moulded from liquorice, standing to attention at peculiar angles. I have tried to work out her age as she won't tell me,
         'Ya don't need to know' she says if I ask her.
I estimate that she is in her early thirties perhaps; about the age my daughter would be if I had one,
         'I finished, d'ya wanna check it'
'Not today, I'm sure it's fine, I'm nearly done here too, we can move across to the other side, sort that lot out and then we're done, I think we'll finish in good time today, would you like to come for a drink afterwards
Caroline chuckled
         'I don't know how ya keep that sense of humour of yours but I'm glad ya do.'

Every day is pretty much the same now; with so much time on my hands, my thoughts often turn to Jack, to those times towards the end when we spent many hours watching the birds from his bedroom window. They would line up for their turn at the table, the robin always hovering, waiting to pounce on anything that might come his way. There is no room on the table for little uns, only the bigger birds are strong enough to fight for survival up there but the robin doesn't have to fight, plenty of scraps come his way, he's crafty for sure and he'll survive the winter. I wonder what Jack would say if he saw me now, would we both have done things differently, it wasn't as hard as I thought, he went peacefully but I do still question whether he went too soon but he said it was time and his word was enough for me then but now...
'Tell me about Jack' Caroline asked inquisitively as they stood side by side mopping the huge grey floor of the dining room.
'He was a very gentle man, would never hurt anyone and had the greatest respect for people of all kinds. He was a teacher for forty years, loved his job and he loved me too, we had been married for twenty-five years when he died.
'What'd he die of then?'
'He had been ill for a long time and in the end, heart failure took him from me'
'Beth says that isn't what really killed him' Caroline retorted with pride and she had that look in her eye that told me she was looking for a juicy bit of gossip to pass on to Beth
'I don't want to talk about it' I lashed back at her.
Caroline slunk away downstairs to where Beth worked. Beth was well known for looking after the girls and I assumed that it wouldn't be long before she came up to have a go at me about upsetting Caroline and I wasn't wrong it took no more than five minutes before the two of them came back together. Beth was so different to Caroline, with her blonde army-style haircut and hefty with muscles like a man, which she had been mistaken for on numerous occasions; that always made her mad and I had no intention of picking a fight with her, so I apologised to Caroline which they both seemed to accept. We got back to our work and although Caroline was a little quiet I knew it would be ok.

Weekends are the worst time for me, no work and too much time to think. Sometimes Sheila comes to visit, it all depends on whether she is looking after her grandchildren or not. Since Jack died my previous circle of friends has diminished to one, just Sheila, I don't blame them it must be difficult for them to understand all the things that have happened. Sheila, however, lost her husband about a year before I lost Jack so she kind of understands. She is a couple of years younger than I am; grey the both of us now.
'Can't be bothered to dye it anymore' I said on her last visit, we had both laughed.
There hadn't been much laughter for either of us recently and it felt good. Sheila always comes armed with plenty of gossip and it almost makes me feel like part of the community again for a time, but time it is that always beats us and she has to leave. These visits are great but when she goes, I feel lonely and empty; I find myself looking back and find only a stark reminder of what I have lost.

My thoughts inevitably turn to that day when Jack told me it was time. It was just like any other day. We sat watching the birds as we had done for months. He pointed out the Wood Pigeons, new arrivals, they were gentle birds but bigger than the rest, deserving respect and weren't challenged at first, it wasn't long though before a group of smaller birds bombarded the table and the pigeons left, perching in a nearby tree waiting for another opportunity. I gave Jack his tablets as we followed the antics of our favourite robin. He pecked at the ground, at either scraps or hoping that the ground would be soft enough for him to find a juicy worm or two. It was a while before Jack stopped answering my questions, I was afraid to look, his grip on my hand had gone and I knew he had too, but I sat a little longer contemplating the future on my own.

The following weeks were difficult, so many places to go, so many questions to answer and then on top of that was the delayed funeral because a post mortem was required; all these things took their toll on me. About a week later I had found myself sitting down at the dining room table trying to take stock of the situation, so many memories were built in that room, so many dinner parties we gave, life had been good to us. Don't get me wrong we had to work for what we had, it wasn't easy but we had been so happy even overcoming the fact that we couldn't have children. The dining room was our pride and joy with its French Dresser containing Willow Pattern Plates, a small bookshelf on one wall with a hand-picked selection of books in it to impress our guests and of course the beautiful oak table and chairs that we just loved showing off. Patio doors opened out onto the garden and you could watch the birds from there. This particular day I looked out and sure enough, there was the robin still collecting tit bits but starlings had now begun to congregate on the fence, there were too many of them to get on the table so they had to wait their turn. A couple of them obviously spotted the food on the ground and flew down to join the robin. This lessened his chances of getting his share but didn't stop him altogether until other starlings joined them, he was overwhelmed and eventually was forced to leave to find another place and that was the last time I saw him.


Now the cleaning was finished it was time for lunch, Caroline and Joan always share the same table with me, today was no different and I was pleased to have the company. Joan is about ten years younger than I am; she's been here for about twenty years and has no plans to leave for a good while yet.
'So is it going well Amelia?' Joan asked
'I guess I'm getting there, I thought it would take so much longer to adjust but I keep my head down and things seem ok'
'Did you hear about the fight that Beth got into this morning?' Caroline said
'Who on earth wound her up this time?' Joan replied.
'It was Karen' Caroline said happily, knowing she knew something they didn't
'Now that doesn't surprise me, that girl has been pushing her luck for weeks. She's after Beth's job, she won't get it she doesn't have the support that Beth does' said Joan.
I was beginning to understand how things worked here, Beth has been in charge for a long time, long before I came here but if Karen was determined enough or if the others lost confidence in Beth then things would change, I'm not sure who I would prefer in charge. I had forgotten how competitive people were but I soon found out. I just want to go back to the life I knew before Jack died but I don't think it will ever be quite the same again.

After lunch, it's off to the library to find another book to read, sadly there isn't much choice but anything these days will do. I have often queried as to why the library is so badly stocked but nobody takes any notice. I am used to just popping out to the bookshop in town but of course, that's not possible now, it is those simple things that I miss but you know what they say 'What is done is done' and they are right, I can't change the past I just have to look to the future. I find a book and head for the counter where Elaine waits to stamp it. She is a wispy little thing, looks as though she is living in permanent fear; about five feet tall or so and thin as you like, maybe anorexic even. I go back, start the book, only stopping long enough to have tea. After tea, I return to the book but my mind wanders away from it and I start to wonder what happened to the Robin when it left, where did he go, is he ok. I guess all the birds have left too, now that I am unable to put food out for them anymore; the table is empty like me. I know that Victor is keeping the garden going, I am grateful for that, it took so long to organise I worried that Victor wouldn't be able to manage it but I am assured that all is ok. These things used to be so straightforward before but so complicated now. I look around at my room so familiar to me now with its off-white walls, two cupboards, two beds and a sink and toilet in the corner. The only person I have had to share a room with since getting married was Jack but now I am never alone in this place with its grey floors that need constant cleaning, everyone in uniform and constant noise. It is at these times that I contemplate how long two years really is, it didn't seem a long time when the judge pronounced the sentence but now time goes so slowly. Caroline bundles in and throws herself onto the other bed after a game of pool with some of the other girls just in time to hear the wardens begin to lock up
'Lights out in ten minutes girls'
No more time for reading or writing so I will write again tomorrow, I know it will feel like the same day beginning all over again and I will wonder what the point is of keeping this diary, it will probably be two years of repetition but I feel the need to do it so I will continue.