The Treatment Program of Absurdity: 1

Harry’s First Therapy Session

This is how my first therapy session with Dr. Butler went:
“Harry, I am sorry that you have now been here now for exactly one week, and we have not had a chance to meet. As you know, I was at a conference in Florida with Dr. Gore, which is why we didn’t have a chance to meet.”
“It is all chill!”
“You don’t seem to be in desperate need, so how about we meet once a week at 9:00 A.M. every Thursday.”
“That works for me! So, I have the honor of having you for group therapy, community process and I also have you as my own private therapist.”
“You are the luckiest person in the world.”
“I know!”
“So, how do you like it here so far?”
“Well, Nelson Mandela managed to maintain his sanity after 27 years on Robin Island; I’ve been here for a few days, and I’ve lost it. What does that say about this place?”
“It means that you are a total wuss. How are the conditions?”
“Nice, except for the fact that Auschwitz had nicer showers.”
“Good! Since this is our first official therapy session, why don’t we start of by having you tell me more about yourself; what do you like to do for fun?”
“My activities include tennis, skiing, movies, video games, chess, billiards, travelling and paintball.”
“I have different favorites depending on the genre. As for sci-fi, my favorite movies are Independence Day, Star Trek and Total Recall.”
“You are talking about the new Star Trek, right.”
“Of course! I have seen all of the Star Trek movies, but the new one is my favorite.”
“My favorite Stark Trek movie was The Undiscovered Country where Captain Kirk brings peace between Starfleet and The Klingon Empire.”
“I prefer Romulans to Klingons; probably because I prefer fascists to communists.”
“ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I presume you are a capitalist.”
“Pretty much! Last remark on Star Trek: wouldn’t it be interesting if they did a new movie where they brought a Vulcan into a strip club; ‘How is this logical, OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THIS EARTHLING RUBBING IN MY FACE? THIS MAKES NO SENSE AND IT IS NO PRODUCTIVE.’”
“I understand you are into history? I assume history of gay rights is your favorite part of it?”
“I’ve seen a few documentaries on Jeffrey Dahmer.”
“Ok! Let us move on to a more serious subject. Why are you here at Great Ascendency?”
“I am here because I am angry.”
“Why are you angry?”
“I am angry because some people have it better than I do.”
“Who has it better than you do?”
“How about the British Royal Family?”
“Harry, being harassed by tabloids is a horrible life.”
“How about Donald Trump?”
“He worked hard for everything that he has. Go out, get a job, work hard, and you will have it as well as he does.”
“How about Natalee Halloway?”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ok, since you are no longer being serious; in what ways do you think that people have it better than you?”
“Well for a starter, throughout my entire life, there’s been a lot of abhorrence towards me that I never deserved. I should have been treated better than I have been throughout my life.”
“TREATED BETTER! Harry, I have looked over your file, and you are lucky that you have never been to jail, or even had the crap beaten out of you.”
“Come on, the worst thing that I have ever done is steal mailboxes.”
“That is a felony, and if you have been caught, you would have gone to prison for at least 1 year for every mailbox you purloined.”
“I still feel there was an excessive amount of animosity towards me from both teachers and students.”
“You have never been expelled from school, so I would have to disagree.”
“There are still other aspects of my life that I reflect on: I have never tried drugs and I am a virgin. I also feel like I have a hard time fitting in with people my own age, since I have a much different taste; I am the only 18-year old who likes both Broadway and pussy.”
“You know what, you are probably right. About the virgin piece, have you ever taken a woman out to dinner?”
“Nope!”
“Harry, women who are sexually pliant are desperate; oh, by the way, I am not supposed to say that, so that statement does not leave you office, got it!
“Got it dude!”
“With any respectable woman, you have to work at getting her into bed. If sex were easy, instead of being the world’s oldest profession, prostitution would be the world’s never existed profession. Say, how often do you masturbate?”
“About 3-4 times a day.”
“When you think about sex that much, people will pick up on it, and it is a turn off for women. What is the happiest moment of your life?”
“When I was 9, during camp, we had to do Elvis impersonations, and I did an impersonation of him overdosing on drugs.”
“Great! So what do you want to do when you get older.”
“I’ve had a calling to run for congress, since I always see the obvious answers. Like we can stop illegal immigrants by doing what the Soviets did during The Cold War when people tried to cross The Berlin Wall: Shoot on site.”
“Since you will be impeached before you are even sworn in, any other ideas?”
“I hope to someday have an attractive, teenage daughter, who I can cuddle with when she has a nightmare; tickle her feet, tummy and armpits; give her massages when her shoulders and feet ache; but when she acts up, I might have to force her to take off her clothes, so I can give her a bare-bottom spanking.”
Someone knocked on the door!”
“Come in!”
Kyle Poy came into the office.
“Hello Kyle!”
“Hi John!”
“Harry, this is Kyle Poy: Great Ascendency’s substance abuse coordinator.”
“Nice to meet you, Kyle.”
“Nice to meet you, Harry.”
“Harry, why don’t you tell Kyle what you told me about drugs?”
“I am pissed because no one has ever given me marijuana.”
“No surprise! With that attitude, no one would be stupid enough to give you cannabis. You need to be calm and smoo……”
“Thank You!”
“Harry, you just cut me off! You were bull-s***ting me, and people don’t like to be bull-s***ted. Look Harry, if you want to excel socially, and that includes being able to get access to drugs in situations that won’t involve you being taken advantage of, you need to be more considerate towards other people.”
“Thank you!”
“Your welcome!”
“Harry, would you step outside for a brief moment? I need to have a private conversation with Kyle.”
“Sure!”
“I will come get you in 10 minutes.”