Hey, life? Are you kidding me?

Nightmares vs. Insominia There is no winner in this battle

To say I'm tired is more of an understatement than saying the hulk is slightly larger than Denace the menace.

If I sleep, I have reoccurring nightmares of losing my husband. They are not always the same but the theme is. I awake finally gasping for air, crying, and with my whole being filled with terror. I lay the rest of the night listening to Bruce's breathing as he sleeps soundly.

It is a never ending cycle. I will be unable to go to sleep some nights for fear of my dreams. And trust me, my body craves sleep. Before his stroke, I will come home from teaching middle school physically and mentally exhausted; that was a cake waLk compared to now.

Everyone says, "Make sure you take time for yourself.". Pffft! I mean in theory it sounds nice, but which time should I do that? When Bruce needs assistance going to the bathroom? When appointments need to be made? When lesson plans must be prepared for my substitute? Dressing? (Maybe that one. We can just be a bundle of outpouring flesh all day). When animals need fed? House chores? (This one is already badly suffering.). I'm not complaining; I'm just being realistic.

I know it will get better. We will get the schedule down and eventually my body will adjust and all my limbs will quit feeling like the muscles and bones are having a bonfire in me. But when will the nightmares stop? When will I allow my mind and heart relax from fear? I do pray and try to turn it over to God. I wonder if the fear and images of the day of his stroke will ever diminish. He doesn't remember much which is a blessing. My mind however is a flash of Polaroid moments and pieces of conversations that weave in and out my mind daily and obviously nightly.

Always leave with a positive note: Yesterday we visited a Christian free clinic one of the stroke nurse had recommended. Everyone who works there is a volunteer. It was amazing. We left with free meds that would have cost us several hundred dollars and an appointment with the head of neurology at a major hospital for tomorrow. All free of charge! People are good.

Audra

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Hey, life? Are you kidding me?  (18+) You never know what you'll find - humor, ramblings, rants, randomness- it's all me! #1578384 by audra_branson