Just Be There Blog

Finding my Bliss?

In the 1980s there was a train of thought for self improvement that suggested that every person follow their dreams to fruition. This was referred to as Following your Bliss.

The problem I had with this concept was, I didn't know what my Bliss was. If I had no clue to what my dreams were, how could I follow them to fruition? I did have some inkling that I wanted to be a writer. However,...

I was pretty messed up (emotionally and cognitively) during the first few years of the '80s. I was just out of the military. I was a mother, a college student, a wife, and still closeted within myself. I was also disassociated from the abuses of my childhood and teen years to the point of not remembering much of my own personal history. I was in therapy for dis-associative behaviors, but because I refused to accept that I was gay, the therapy wasn't making much headway.

By the end of 1985, I'd accepted that I was gay. I was separated from my spouse who took custody of our children, and I was beginning to reach a crisis regarding the magnitude of the abuses I'd survived from my parents. Looking back on the 80s I can only say I'm happy to have survived my psychic storms in one piece. Luck had something to do with my survival.

The 90s found me in a very "blissful", loving relationship and eventually, both my sons were in my custody. For the most part, life was never better, from my perspective.

I dabbled with poetry in the early 90s (1990-1992) and by 1999 I had written the beginnings of three stories of High Fantasy. This activity of writing stories gave me a definite belief that my dream was to become a published author. So from 1999 thru to 2002 I immersed myself into transcribing my flights of imagination into print. I was following my Bliss.

Then my sons were old enough to leave home. My youngest son joined the Army and served in Iraq. My companion through the 90s, whom I loved deeply, left to follow her own dream (?) (In truth, I have no clue why the woman I loved left, other than she didn't love me as deeply or in the same way as I loved her.)

With the disintegration of my personal relationships, my flights of imagination began to dry up. From 2003 thru 2007, I still wrote and improved upon my mechanics...but it was a struggle. I've never finished the longer stories I've started. I've had my moments when I have returned to one story and have rewritten and tightened parts of the story. The last such creative flurry being in 2013 and some resulting in short stories early in 2014.

Part of my "writer's block" from 2007 through the present has to do with how dark my stories turn. I realize that darkness is all a part of my life experience and a part of my creative process. However, when the stories enter the inevitable stages of violence and emotional darkness, my energy to complete them dissipates. The stories stall out. Maybe, if I were to correlate my life with the flow of the stories, the problem is that I have no idea how to resolve the conflicts my characters find themselves experiencing, because I've yet to resolve those concepts in my own experiences.

Thus said, is my bliss in truth to become a published author, or is my bliss actually to resolve myself to my past and find for myself a resolution to my life experiences I can accept?

Becoming published would then be a side effect, not the main goal.


These are tough concepts for me. I will ponder them and try to discover an answer I can live with.

In the mean time, I will dream of finding my true Bliss and then endeavor to follow my dreams to fruition.