Hey, life? Are you kidding me?

Someone Owes Jim Henson an Apology

Someone owes Jim Henson an apology. . .

Not only Mr. Henson, but anyone with a television that ‘accidently’ turns to ABC when the ‘New Muppets’ is on.

Oh, and if I’m mistaken about Jim Henson being dead, I guess I owe him an apology too. Not as big of one as the producers of this ‘show’.

It is so deceiving – they look just like the real Muppets but they are obviously alien imposters. Kermit is having a drink; and I don’t mean a “Got Milk” commercial promoting the health benefits of a daily dose of calcium. Miss Piggy is shimmying what look like pasties on her exaggerated bosom. Hear me out, I’m not a prude. I don’t mind a little skin or insinuating dialogue – in fact, sometimes I quite enjoy it. . . But not when they are the fictional characters I grew up watching and coloring with my new set of crayons.

Who is this show geared to? People who grew up in the ‘80’s and apparently are still smoking the wacky weed? Children with parents who have given up on the next generation having any morals or boundaries? Sad souls, like myself, who only get reception from one channel during an ice storm and were stupid/naïve enough to believe the goodness of The Muppets was being revived?

I have to give it to the producers for their brilliance of playing with my feelings. Just as I’m ready to support a Muppets Massacre, they end the show with “Rainbow Connection”. It almost made me forget that Kermit had previously remarked that he wanted to get in touch with the feeling in his bottom. Freud would have a field day with a puppet having anal issues.

Do we really need characters from our youth presenting us with issues such as espionage, internet theft, dangers of stress from our career, and inevitable marital problems? I mean if it weren’t storming out, I could just switch channels and watch that information from real people on the News or whichever talk show is currently being seen as reputable.

Perhaps the writing was so bad that they couldn’t get a full cast of living, breathing humans to star in it, so they borrowed some puppets that missed being in the limelight. All I know is if I was the person with my hand up one of those puppet’s ass, I wouldn’t brag about it over Christmas dinner. In fact, I think I’d just lie and say I had gotten a holiday shift at Toys R Us. Even being toilet cleaner at a children’s dreamland/parents’ nightmare of a store as a middle-age adult with a college education would be less shameful than producing a show for a major network that promotes deceitful online dating via the use of past children’s heroes.

Bah Humbug, ABC.

I don’t know; maybe I just haven’t had enough whiskey tonight to ‘get it’.

It’s time to play the music.
It’s time for puppets to fight
It’s time to ruin the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.

It’s time to put on trashy make-up.
It’s time to wear our dresses too tight.
It’s time for sexual innuendos on the Muppet Show tonight.

And now it’s time to scar your memories.
Why don’t you stab my heart?
No one will care because football is on tonight.

On the most disappointing, uninspirable, non-Muppetational
This is what we call the Muppet for Junkies Show!

Signing off to color a picture of a Kermit that isn't wearing a speedo with a doobie hanging out of his mouth,
Audra