Witness to Withness

Getting Out

Freedom, a wonderment at knowing I no longer am trapped
I have a choice to be crazy or sane
I have a place that I can go to heal
I have hope that I can return to a place called home

It is one thing to be promised freedom and quite another to enter into it. Somewhere in the bible it says the truth can make one free. Longing for truth is the beginning of deciding one no longer wants to live a lie.

         There was finally a day when all the chaos came to an end. It was about Easter time, which was a time close to the anniversary of my vision in which I saw that Jesus understood my pain and soon rose me up from despair. I was on the ward when it was announced. I had no idea that it was going to take place. I was walking around like usual wondering whether I would ever get out. I did have a vision about a week before that gave me hope. It happened while I was wondering trying to find whatever I was looking for. I had a lot of times like these since my admission to the ward.

         I found a room that looked like an arts and crafts room. I had never been in this room up until this day. It felt like home. I took time picking up crayons and magic markers making crosses and symbols that shared that there was a source of hope. I liked thinking that I was not at the end of my journey. This went on for at least an hour. I was admiring my work and then it came to my mind that I would write a story called the "Witness to Withness". It was what gave me hope going forward. I did not know what it meant at the time. I knew I had hope for the first time and knew I would take time to share the story about how God gave me victory. I look back and know only that I was to be faithful to God's call. I doubt even at this moment, no one would read my story except me. It is therapeutic to look back and realize that God is with me, witnessing through me that God is working through me to share hope, whether it is by word or personal presence. After all that is the essence of who God is: "I am who I am". I no longer would have a need to please anyone, seek after God and share how I saw God at work.

         The fateful day of escape took place in a rush. We were told to get the few things we had and exit the state hospital to a half way house. It seemed bizarre. I had obsessed for too long that I might never get out and just like that, before I could even ponder it's meaning I was let loose into the real world. I had known a manner of resurrection from the death of depression and now was loosed from the death of the state hospital tomb. I had heard that I was committed for life and now I knew this was not true. I was told that I would be going to a place called Sun House. They told me it was a three quarter way house. Most of the others went to a half way house in East Bridgewater. I went there for a brief visit. I saw Stephen and I feared that I might be trapped again. I feared more abuse at his hands as if God was giving me more trials. Wasn't it true that God would not give one more than they could handle. In this case it was very true. I whisked off to sun house. I have no idea why I was here. Maybe I was on a list and then they found out they were mistaken. I heard about all the stigma and turmoil around the half way house in Bridgewater. Residents were a lot less than welcoming. I was glad I was not there.

         I was only a short way from my family in Whitman. It was about ten minutes away at most. I did not see them very much. The placard that greeted me as I settled in read: "home is where the heart was". God was going to teach me a lesson. Home was more than a physical place where you grow up until you go somewhere. It is a place where you can learn about love that you can share in another place. As I look back I understand better why it was time to leave. Much of the time at my home I grew up in there was some form of emotional turmoil as long as I lived there in transitions since my illness started. Sun house was an opportunity for me to learn healthy independence in relationship, preparing me for life outside of home.