Witness to Withness

Something goes Wrong

I woke up and the floor seemed lost and my feet unsure
My head was dizzy where was I at and to where was I going
My hearing seemed to be longing to hear a mounting deafness
My eyes were blinded to the light of distorted blessing


I am reminded of a scripture that says that we sow in tears to reap in joy. It was a scripture that was brought to light by my Sunday school teacher that summer. I clung onto it in hope. I was not the only one that knew tears, there were many before me that saw tears inside that seemed to distract from the goal in sight.

         I wished I could help others understand what may have gone array those last few weeks of that summer. I am beside myself. I wished I knew what I could done differently. I was taking my medicine and doing everything my psychiatrist told me to do and yet even that did not seem to be enough. I was continuing to invest in my life giving rituals and then something went horribly wrong.

         I decided to write a letter to the woman that was involved in a very indirect way with my emotional trauma. I had stalked her, although in those troubled moments up to my collapse I did not see it that way. I wrote a letter of apology prefaced with a footnote that she may not want to read it. I was that self conscious. My mother found out she was pregnant about this time. She had already had seven children and this would be her eight. She talked about it being a welcome accident. At the same time she was quite anxious since she was getting on in years and pregnancy was more precarious as one aged.

         I had no way to talk with "Sue", so that I found myself racing to where she lived on and old bicycle. I was sure that I needed to say that I was sorry to her face and then I would feel at peace. I knew that her dad was a Methodist pastor and did not think it would be too hard to find her. Along the way to her town the tires on my bike went flat and yet still I pedaled on determined to complete my quest. I reached a point of exhaustion and raced into a wooded area, leaving my bike behind. I was chased by some rather large German Shepherd dogs who barked and nipped at my heels as I came to a house that seemed to be in the middle of nowhere. There were two beautiful woman that met me at the door. It seemed like something out of fairy tale. We talked and it seemed like there was a connection of a spiritual kind. They even talked like they knew the person who I was seeking after and understood my plight. They asked me for some phone numbers, eventually calling my dad who picked me up and took me home with my bike. My dad was a very quiet man and said very little as we drove home. As usual I tried to break the silence by telling him that I was sorry about the bike and other prattle that got me home. I was experiencing growing agitation with only days before school would begin. I would spend hours walking around the block trying to still the nagging sense that I needed to do something before....(who knew what) My problem was that I could not trust anyone to what was going on within, because I feared the consequence. The next to last Sunday before school started I knew that I needed to go to the college campus. I told my firefighter friend across the street about my plight and need to talk with a girl I had feelings for. He understood perfectly and took me to the college campus and the church nearby. I searched in my own way, very anxious and getting no closer to an encounter. I called my dad and again he came to my rescue.
         Mom demanded that something needed to be done with me. She could not stand the thought of something happening to me and she was having a bad time with her pregnancy. She needed help. My dad took off work and took me to the mental health center where I had met regularly with a Mrs Hannigan, my therapist who was not there on that day so we talked with a crisis counselor. There was extended conversation. I expressed some of my anxiety about going back to school knowing that there was a woman I knew I would come in contact with and the anxiety it stirred up in me to talk with her. My dad shared about how mom could not deal with anymore of my sojourns and incessant worry. Dad did not know what to do. The crisis counselor suggested that there might be family I could be with until I felt better. At that point he noted I was only mildly depressed and some time away from home might help. Dad said there was no where like that to go.
"I am sorry Mr. Peterson there is no place of respite that we can send him to. Normally there is a place we can put someone like your son unfortunately there is nothing like that right now."
"I only know that we can not have him at home right now, we have needed to put his brother in the hospital.
I hate to do this, but I guess this is all we can do. Since you have shared you have no more insurance to cover your son he will need to go to the State Hospital in Taunton. It was only days before school would start. Why me!!!????