Wondering about my Wanderings

Prioriities

Prompt: What's No. 1 on your to-do list right now?

I hope to spend more time with my wife. I have had time connecting due to stresses that range from working too many hours and continual frustrations I have in relationship to dealing with my mother's death.

I have the irrational belief that my wife will leave me just like mom did and am working hard to escape the feeling that another relationship will end. Of course this kind of stinking thinking never leads to a good conclusion. We have each had vulnerable moments when we shared that we did not even know who the other person was. It becomes to easy to use overworking as an excuse to not be available. I think that is the way that I am wired, since this is the same pattern of behavior my dad exhibited albeit a lot of his overworking had to do with raising eight kids.

My wife and I had a long discussion that might bear fruit at some point. She keeps wanting the person she knew before she was married. I asserted that this way of thinking was building resentment in me, because I am the same person and always will be. I can never be the person she idealizes me to be. Much of the angst is because we need money to pay bills and she is constantly talking about how it will take five years to pay the bills. My health is not too great and I do not like the idea of spending time getting money I may never get to spend.

Of course I am irrational about her line of questionings. She wants to know about my expectations of her. I do not talk to her!!
I snapped back that I married her because she was a human being. Needless to say she was not impressed by that answer. In the midst of this pondering is the frustration that she is seemingly so different than I am. She does not like going to movies, play games or .....(you get the picture) Her list would include ways that I am not helping her out due to my laid back forgetfulness and neglectful way of being.

We have tried counseling and that did not go so well. I think we will iron it out when I can spend more time with her than my work and that window is opening. She is not wanting me to work so much. Paying off debt is not important to her, besides most of the debt is hers(she says). I am not needing to work so much. We will see how things come together.