Still Figurin' Out Who I Think I Am

This one's about types 'n stuff, sponsored by the letter N.

"There are so many different styles in which to write a mystery: cozy, hard boiled detective, private investigator, historical, police procedural- to name a few. If you were to write a mystery what approach would you chose?"

Good afternoon friends! We're back here for Day 3 of the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" 's mystery roundtable discussion, where I'm absolutely out of my element and have almost no idea what we're talking about...sorta like life sometimes, only I know a little bit more about that on rare occasions.

As per days 1 & 2, I've heard most of these terms before but never really sought out how to differentiate between them...and "hard boiled"? Who comes up with these? I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for it, and underneath my fingers rests a device I could use to investigate it, but that kinda goes against my reasoning that the internet exists solely for me to look up song lyrics and random lists of things I didn't know I needed to know, in order to later share with you, the uninterested public.

That's why, if you're ever gonna catch me writing a mystery, take my temperature and call a doctor I'm gonna go with "police procedural". Because I'm at best vaguely familiar with the other examples mentioned, that seems the way to go. I never really was one for cop shows and dramas on tv, but I started watching Backstrom   last fall and got pretty into it...if someone wants to solve a mystery for me, they can figure out why FOX cancelled it after one season (although I'm hoping Hulu picks it up, but I kinda doubt they will).

I guess the reason I'd be into something like that is it seems like it'd be easier to do, and I'm lazy. It's like the template has already been established as far as the setting and characters...cops and detectives, forensics, police station in a sleepy little town, a diner (there's always a diner), etc. All you really have to do is develop these people, come up with a plot and a bad guy, throw in a few twists, and stick a big freakin' bow on it at the end. And throw in a corny joke on the last page, where everyone chuckles while choking down a donut. Systemic and formulaic...I feel like if you were gonna throw a boatload of money at me to write one of these things and then have it adapted for television, I could probably get away with it. But let's not get all crazy and challenge me on that, ok?

And how is a mystery considered "cozy"? Maybe it's just me, but if something puzzles me enough to warrant that strong of a label like mystery, chances are the solution isn't gonna be easy to come across, which is likely to piss me off, and that's like the polar opposite of coziness. No one ever says "I'm so comfortable here being frustrated and not having the answers I desire", and mysteries especially involving some sort of violent crime don't exactly inspire, say, the warmth of a campfire with friends or being tucked into bed at the perfect position to get sucked into a favorite novel. When I think of a cozy mystery, I get taken back to the 80's/90's series Murder, She Wrote  , which I think you had to be at least 68 years old to watch and enjoy. Dick Tracy, Angela Lansbury was not.

That said, even though I currently have a lot of time on my hands, it's safe to assume that I have at least twenty other books to write before I get started on my murder mystery crime drama extravaganza. I'm still wondering how I fit in on this panel of writers who are better suited for the category...I'm like Snoop Dogg cooking with Martha Stewart  .

"Life is strange. Like: Did the skipper of Gilligan's Island rescue when you wandered off from your mother when you were four years old in Tucson, Arizona? Did a big bright star hang around your house two weeks before Christmas every year for years? These things happened to me. Do you have a story like these? I want to hear about them!"

I'm still jealous of Princess Megan Rose and her story about being rescued by The Skipper...if something frightening and potentially dangerous was gonna happen to me, that's how I'd want it to play out. And I've been fortunate enough to meet a handful of celebrities throughout the course of my life, but not to the point where it became surreal.

In fact, I'm having a hard time coming up with any story involving something mysteriously unexplained...and I've been through some weird things in life...at least two or three car accidents where I likely could've died, items that go missing and are discovered days or weeks later in unlikely places, two candy bars falling out of a vending machine when I only paid for one...but nothing that feels remotely unique. I'm sure I could spit out a few moments, and someone else will come along and say "Yeah, that happened to me too!", and suddenly I no longer feel special.

The truth is, events like these are often disappointing more than they're miraculous, because you're usually told to shut up about them, like at restaurants when the cook decides to bless your plate with an extra-large scoop of mashed potatoes or bonus dipping tubs for your McNuggets that McDonald's normally charges fifteen cents extra for...and the next time you go back expecting the same treatment you get dicked by the cat who follows the rules down to the letter/ounce/penny. And in the age of social media, you can't just brag about this stuff because there's always someone else waiting to rain on your extra cheese parade. It's not really a win if you can't enjoy the moment without sharing it with others.

I guess there's one recent example that I sorta got lucky...when I went back home over Memorial Day weekend, I got to watch parts of a couple of hockey games. And those games went into double-overtime. Bonus hockey for the price of one game! But even that came with a cost, as one was on Saturday night and it pushed the start of a Saturday Night Live rerun back to almost 1am (which is well past my bedtime). Rarely am I ever lucky without the pendulum swinging the other way.

"Do you have a favorite letter of the alphabet? If so, write a poem or story about that letter. If you don't have a favorite letter of the alphabet then write something funny about the weather in your section of the planet."

In nearly 40 years of life, I honestly don't think anyone has ever asked me this before...and I'm pretty sure I've never given much thought to having a favorite letter. I suppose if I had to choose one of the 26, I'd go with N, for no other fact than it's the first letter of my first name. Anyone else find it a little disconcerting that the one thing we're primarily known for and classified by the most is a name we didn't even have a chance to pick out for ourselves?

Imagine the chaos though if we all went by our old AOL screennames, our first email addresses, or our WDC handles. Kinda sucks if you had to be Jsmith37, or you're at a restaurant waiting to be seated and the hostess calls out "Table for two, for **IheartBackstreet4lyfe**." It'd be confusing for me...when I lived with my boy DMFM we shared a computer and an AOL screenname. Our answering machine's outgoing message would've been "Ruckushouse isn't here right now, but leave a message at the tone and one of us will get back to you." There would definitely be awkward moments...not that we were without them back in the early days of the internet; there just would've been more.

There are some pretty fun words that start with "n". No (always a crowd-pleaser). Nancy-boy. Narcolepsy. Nautical. Nyquil. And my favorite, nincompoop. "N" is also the first letter in nom-nom-nom  ...letters are cool like that. My question though...who determined the order of the alphabet? Why was it considered so important for it to flow in the sing-songy manner that it does, the way we learned it as kids? Try rearranging it on paper (without just substituting letters that rhyme with one another), and then sing it in the pattern you know it to be. I'm doing it in my head right now and it sounds terrible. And oh god, I can't stop it now. I think I just discovered how dyslexia was created.

Trying to stick with a mystery theme here, and it's not as easy as it looks...even for me, who knows more about music than probably anything else in life of any importance. On the plus side, this band will be coming to Canalside in WNY at the end of the month for a free show. Not that I'll probably be able to go, but it's still cool to know that it might be the first time a lot of people I know are exposed to Spoon.

"And all the trouble you look for all your life,
you will find it for sure in the mystery zone."
Lyrics.  

In my thirst for useless knowledge, I stumbled upon the reasoning behind four mysterious song titles with perfectly stupid explanations  . I think it's important that we uncover the true meaning of some of life's greatest questions. And while they are all perfectly good songs, I don't think this counts as "greatest questions"...or "true meaning", for that matter.

Rejoice! Netflix has announced that somewhere around mid-2016 the fifth season of Arrested Development   will come out. Fire up the Cornballer, get a stew goin', and say goodbye to these...the Bluths are comin' back! You're gonna get some hop-ons.

I know a lot of you are curious people like me, which is why I've found a newly-updated list of items you didn't know you know you need  ...I myself am partial to #13, and someday look forward to making it a part of my wardrobe.

And finally, you guys know I'm a fan of lists, right? CBS has released what will probably be David Letterman's final Top 10 List  , which consists of fan-favorite moments...and will probably be the last time I mention him here (at least for a little while).

Well, that about does it for me this fine day...I hope you got as much out of this experience as I did (which isn't much, but I'll take anything at this point). Peace, we'll send it ahead as a test, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!