Down the Rabbit Hole

White Capes and Tears

It has been a surprising long time since my last blog, shameful really as there has been no shortage of material I could have easily been inspired by. I have to chalk it up to a bitter Winter that lasted too long and a Spring that has been full throttle since the appearance of milder temps, birdsong and persistent sunshine. At any rate, here I find myself in June...weeks away from Jaden's preschool graduation and just a few months shy of kindergarten. Truth be told, I've never wanted the weeks to pass more slowly. Truth be told, I am so less ready for these milestones then my daughter seems to be. Her world is abuzz with exciting changes...and she is soaking it up gleefully.

Her room has been made-over. The baby blue sky and butterflies have replaced the peach nursery walls and princess decor. The toddler bed is now a sturdy twin. She has laid claim to her upgraded big girl space with new requests for "privacy" while she picks her clothes from the new five drawer dresser or retrieves them from her closest. She emerges most mornings, clad in whatever ensemble she has picked for herself, donning accessories and smiling, ready for her day. The frilly little girl frocks have been slowly exchanged for maxi dresses and capris, matched with an alarming accuracy, to her headbands and jewelery.

The car seats have been retired, replaced with booster seats instead. She can now work the windows, buckle herself in, and get in and out of the car unaided. She sits in the back and I watch her, smiling to herself in her big girl seat, waiting for her favorite songs to come on the radio. One does and she sits up and starts to car dance, singing "Shut Up and Dance with Me" louder than she has sung before. She reminds me again that I still haven't downloaded the new Taylor Swift song she likes for her. She talks between the music, about her friends, about school, about everything.

She is only five, I remind myself. I take a deep breath, attempt to quell the panic. Every day she needs me less and less.

Still, there are those moments when she still wants me to sleep over in her bed, do her hair for her, help her get dressed. Is she giving me a freebee or is she having just a hard time letting go of some things too? Its hard to tell most days. For now, I am grateful when she still gets a little clingy. My heart jumps for joy when she clambers out of the car and takes my hand on the sidewalk and doesn't let go at the door. When I pick her up at the end of the day, she still leaps up and throws her arms around me, too big to launch herself up into my arms but still trying to anyway.

In a few months, she will hold my hand and walk into a new school, a new phase of her life, a new adventure. I will lose a bit more of her then, and every day after as she grows more and more independent. I am so not ready. I can admit that to myself. Most importantly though, she is. I know when I watch her at graduation with her little white cape and shy smile, there will be tears. And I know those tears will be both happy and sad because I am a Mom and I cry with equal measure for all that she leaves behind as well as for everything wonderful that awaits her.