Slurred Emotions

Nightmarish

1-3-08

To wake up into this
is worse than falling asleep in it.
If I dream I wish I were awake;
by sleeping I miss everything.
Medication provides me no safe place.
I'm just a face,
answerless.

Nothing scares me more
than getting out of my
comfy, heated
waterbed.
I don't want to know the world
until I decide
to put myself out there.
And when I do,
I can't hide my disappointment
when I come home.

My confidence lacks
and my reputation builds
by not doing a damn thing.
I want it all in the worst way
and I've worked hard,
irresponsibly.
I smell a problem
bigger than I can change.
If there's an end,
there's not
a big enough knife
to slay me.
But to wake up to this
is worse than the feeling
or hope that
it might happen again.
I can't just turn over
and I can't turn it over.
It lives in what it was,
and this is
how I'm
left to preside over it.
I never meant to be so scary,
but that is how
my life
is looked upon
and judged.

Please wake me up
out of this mess.