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Teaching Your Daughter To Date

         I believe this is worth repeating, since I know I've said it in the past. It's a good idea to teach your kids how to pick partners and how to date. The best thing parents can do is to demonstrate in their own behavior what they want for their kids. If a mom wants her daughters to be respectful of boys and not bully them, she shouldn't nag her husband or threaten him where the kids can hear. If a father wants his daughters to expect good treatment and not settle for disrespect or abuse, he should make sure he doesn't make rude or disparaging remarks to his wife. He should be respectful of her feelings, thank her for the things she does, give her compliments, help her occasionally. Let the girls see the way a man should treat a woman.

         Kids are always watching their parents, and step-parents, so if they see bad behavior, they will think that's normal. If Mom isn't respected, if she's treated like a servant, if she's verbally or physically abused, the girls will believe it's okay for boys to do that to her. Likewise, the boys will imitate the fathers. If the mother is a shrew, or is bossy, or controlling in devious ways, the girls will be that way most likely. So the first and most important rule is to be good role models. It won't hurt your relationship either.

         Next, about the time the kids hit junior high school, it's time for Mom and Dad to have "practice" dates with the kids, one on one. A dress up night, whatever dress up means at your house, can demonstrate to a 12 or 13 year old how to act and what to expect (minus kissing and hand holding). A man calls for his "date", the mother has to meet him and give a curfew. He holds the door and takes her somewhere nice for dinner. He treats her like a female companion or co-worker, not his baby girl. He uses his best manners and asks what she would like. They have conversation. When she leaves the table to go to the bathroom, he stands up. He is nice to her, so that she won't accept less from the boys she goes out with. Dad shouldn't spend too much money, because young boys don't usually have a lot of money.

         A special night out with each daughter at least once a year will keep them on track. It will be a special memorable time for both father and daughter. They can talk about it later, the next day, or following week. Mom can reinforce the positive values. When boys come to call, they can establish guidelines together to make sure she's getting respect and proper treatment. When a boy is out of line--too much teasing, immature behavior, etc.--parents may have to instruct him gently in how to treat girls.

         Moms can have practice dates with boys, telling them what girls like, prompting them in advance or as they go in gentlemanly behavior. To let them get by with childishness is letting them set low standards for themselves and doing them a disservice in the long run. Don't baby your son, like so many mothers; be the parent and instructor. (They don't have to tell their friends about it. It's not a date; it's a night my mom forced me to do.) Fathers can reinforce to their sons that they will get more girls by being polite and chivalrous than being macho.

         Everyone wants their kids to be respected and act respectfully towards others. Parents are the primary people to instruct them, by talking about it, demonstrating it, and practicing/role-playing.