Down the Rabbit Hole

Her Biggest Fan

"She discovered with great delight that one does not love one's children just because they are one's children but because of the friendship formed while raising them." Author, Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Jaden recently turned five. With the passing of that milestone, I've encountered a daughter who discovers new abilities, expressions and emotions on an almost daily basis. It is a daunting pace of development, an ever expanding learning curve for which I often feel I must struggle to keep up with. For example, I find I am not longer equipped to help her with her piano lessons, she now understands far more about the notes and music than I do. My role has become merely to listen, to encourage and to keep her to a regular practice schedule...all the rest, she does on her own. Watching her play now its difficult to contain my delight as I see her mind making all the right connections with her fingers on the keys. Having mastered many of the basic songs in her book, she has begun to push herself through the more challenging ones, her delicate mouth silently counting off the notes, her brow furrowed with concentration. She is building confidence in herself, and not just in front of her piano. Jaden has always been shy but in the last few months, I see her pushing herself to be more outgoing. Her typical warm-up period has become shorter. She will make and maintain eye contact with most adults that address her and she will verbally answer when before eliciting even a head shake was a near impossible task. Her sense of self, of who she is, has become radically more focused and centered. She will not hesitate to tell me what she likes, or doesn't, how she is feeling and most important, how I make her feel - which is typically "more lonely" when I refuse to play something with her. When I do make her happy, which I hope is much of the time, her favorite expression is to tell me how much she "loves me in her heart"...which is just about the best thing in the world to hear. I try to remember that, especially on the days when I feel she is running too quickly for me to catch up. I try to catch all those amazing moments of sweetness; like when she smiles and bends to kiss her doll goodnight, when she throws a protective arm around the dog after he settles down beside her on the couch or when she bounds into the kitchen to greet me when I get home and her green eyes are sparking with the lovely animation of a pure and youthful joy. I am so acutely aware that time is passing, that we are allotted only so much time to enjoy those stinky morning breath kisses and silly dance party nights. I know one day she will start to resist that extra kiss and hug at the door to her classroom. Soon she may not want to hold my hand so often in public, or want to make puzzles or color with me for hours. I can only hope she will always "love me in her heart" regardless of how fast she is growing and maturing. And while she might not always be my biggest fan, I will always and forever be hers.