Vertago

December 13th

      I've had a pretty unusual life, but I want more.
      Jesus was a large part of my childhood and adolescence .
      My dad put a crucifix over my bed. Late at night I'd look up
      from my pillow at the porcelain Jesus hanging over me.
      I'd imagine Jesus jumping down and having a conversation
      with me.

      Jesus would say~ "You must stop abusing yourself in front of me."
      I'd apologize .. and abuse myself.  That's what mom and dad called it.
      They actually expected a 9 year old boy to be celibate.
      My sisters were humping everything, especially cucumbers.
      I guess that is natural.

      I think the big appeal of Rock&Roll is abusing yourself and others.
      (Youtube: Sweet Dreams) It gets a little silly with Myle Syrus.
      To each his own. I think most people just want a tickle.
      Sex is entertainment.... Why not legalize prostitution?

      I'm terrible with names. The girl on the Fox Five that gets the leg shot;
      she's a thousand dollar baby doll. Who cares what she thinks?
      I've noticed they don't have many men wearing shorts on Fox.
      Maybe Greg could wear a kilt? Maybe not.

      My dad lectured me on abusing myself. He said I would not enjoy sex
      with my wife, because "my grip was tighter than her womb."
      I was 11 or 13 and this peeked my curiosity .  I had sex with Marcella
      in my bed under my crucifix. Marcella was tight. I like how she made
      opera noises. ... I think the important thing was not to get pregnant or a
      STD.  We always used a condom. Marcella stole them from her dad.

      Marcella wanted to get married. I did not think we could.
      Honestly, I selfishly abused Marcella. She was my fucking pillow.
      Jesus watched it all. I imagined Jesus chastising me, but I was
      having too much fun abusing Marcella.

      Reflection: Is sex entertainment? It can be, but love is complicated.
                        A lot of girls got pregnant at my high school, most of them
                        had babies. They were all unwed mothers.