Hey, life? Are you kidding me?

Where the Wind Goes Sweeping Down the Plains & other things

Who wouldn't want to vacation or even live in Oklahoma? They call Chicago the windy city, but do they have a song about it? I hope not or my point is mute. But let me clarify the wind does not just sweep it blows faster than most Priuses go on the Highway.

Let me have a Word with you about what else Oklahoma has to offer. I mean we are no Hawaii, but we hold our own. (Where is the rolling of eyes icon):

I mentioned wind, but seriously your daily wardrobe is decided on whether your skirt will be over your head when stepping outside or you will just be giving everyone a nice little flash.

Weather? We have hotter than a hog in heat and colder than a witch's tit in a brass brassiere with a 1000 percent humidity every day of the week and twice on Tuesdays. (We also have an expression for everything. Or at least my father does, that's where I learned 'em.) Oh yes, and don't forget those tornadoes. If you've never taken cover in a bathtub with a mattress on top of you, you haven't lived, my friend.

Are you getting Smitten with my state? Truthfully, I do love it, but some things about it just aren't right. We are home to Will Rogers who coined the phrase, "I never met a man I didn't like." (My personal life motto). Unfortunately, he died in a plane crash going to Alaska with his friend, Wiley Post. So what do we do? Name our airports after them. Am I the only one that thinks naming an airport after guys that died in a plane is a bad omen?

What else? Hmmm we have one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in the nation as well as one of the highest divorce rates. Gosh, could there be a connection.

Oh yes, and I decided to teach in the state with the lowest teacher salary except for Utah, I think. and they wouldn't take me, because I'm not Mormon -- sorry that was rude, Utah readers.

People step off the plane (if they make it) thinking they are going to see cowboys in boots and hats and Native Americans running wild. They are disappointed. We have a few real cowboys, but they are on the farm getting shit on their boots and other lovely things.

We have a musical after the state. But honestly if your choice is Cats or Oklahoma. Aren't you always going to go for the pussies, I mean felines.

We have towns that you will never pronounce right the first 20 times you try: Chickasha, Konowa, Okeemah, Muh-hal, Pottawatamie, Checotah (Home of Carrie Underwood), Narangich, Weleetaka, and Wapanucka. Okay, I made one of them up. Here's the quiz: Which one? no googling - geez there isn't a prize.

Outsiders think we ride our horses saying yeehaw and ya'll. First, I've never been on a horse. 2nd - I've only said yeehaw once and that was in the bedroom after a few shots of tequila, but I do use ya'll, because there is no other word to replace it - well, maybe you guys, but what if I'm talking about girls? ya'll covers it!

I do love my state; I live here by choice though I did choose to spend my college years in Arizona and came back because I was poor, missing some life direction, and had a hankering to beat my dad at dominoes.

I know every state must have their pluses and minuses, I just thought I'd share mine with some people/person (cough cough). By the way, if you hear the phrase "I'm hungry enough to eat fried farts and pickled assholes", that's not any Oklahoman, that's my dad. So tip your hat and say, Howdy, Sir."

On another note, I have gone from over 1000 emails to 92 on WDC! All since the first of June. Granted a lot of them were newsletters, but I've done a lot of returning the favor of reviewing. So if you reviewed me in 2012 - don't lose faith; you may be next!

Queen of procrastination,

Ralls