Amygdalia's Blog

Blogging vs. journaling; self-awareness vs. self-esteem

I find that the topics I really need to work out via writing are the ones I just do not feel comfortable posting in my blog. I sat down to blog this morning, and just deleted half a page of writing because I could not bear to post it.

So what’s the difference between journaling and blogging? For some people, there isn’t a difference – they blog about what they want/need to blog about, and put it out there for the world to see. Journaling is private, I think. Anything goes. Blogging is meant to be seen, and I feel like the things I need most to write are not things I want others to read. But at the same time, I could use feedback on the issues I’m struggling with. So I’m caught.

And it goes right back to the topic on which I’d started blogging earlier – self esteem, and how much I base it on the opinions of others.

Maybe I can do this, but in a different way, without going into personal detail.

If I somehow feel that the opinion that someone else has of me is not high, I spin it – I take it and spend so much time in my head worrying about WHY that’s the case, that I come up with a reason. Whether or not the person’s opinion of me actually matches my vision of it, and whether or not they even notice that self-perceived deficit that I’ve turned into a looming nightmare in my head, my brain has the whole scenario worked out. Does that HELP me in any way? No, not in the slightest, because I continue to worry about it, obsess about it, and beat myself up over it.

So how do I break through lifelong patterns of behavior? How do I release the negative impressions I have of myself and live in peace with who I am? I’ve tried talking to myself about it over and over . . . sort of like the daily battle between dieting and being happy with who I am. Over and over in my head, I try to convince myself to let it all go. But it keeps coming back.