Welcome to My Life

Reviewing 2013: Questions 5 & 6 - Grudges & Berating Myself

Are you holding a grudge against someone?
"Spiritual Newsletter (December 28, 2005)" 

As of today, no; however, that doesn't mean I haven't held a grudge in the past nor does it mean I won't hold a grudge against someone in the future. I don't like holding grudges because it means I haven't forgiven either someone else or myself. I don't like holding grudges because I don't think they are healthy either spiritually or emotionally. I know that when I do hold a grudge I can't seem to get over what the other person did. I think the best way to deal with a grudge is through prayer both for the person I'm holding the grudge against and myself.

Do you constantly berate yourself for mistakes, however small they may be?
"Spiritual Newsletter (December 28, 2005)" 

Yes, I go over and over the lest little thing I do wrong or think I do wrong. I'm not as bad as I used to be, but I still think I screwed something up again! I know it isn't good for me to do this because it increases the depression, but I still do it. I'm working on this habit and I can control it sometimes, but not all the time. I don't like to berate myself because I put myself down and don't attempt my best when I'm in a Berating Mood.

Prayer and meditation help, as well as telling myself Well, if I screwed up I screwed up. There isn't a hell of a lot I can do about it right now. I attempt to fix what I can which is a change because there was a time when I would just crawl off into the fetal position (figuratively) and avoid the issue entirely. I have gotten to the point where I can face the situation and see if I can fix it or if an apology is required then I apologize.

Once I mess something up or make a small mistake then I have to do one of two things either apologize or try to fix the problem. There isn't much else that I can do about it because not facing the situation only make me feel worse and it makes the situation worse, especially if there is a way to correct the mistake. I don't know precisely when I begin to change when it come to berating myself. I think the change begin to occur several months before Mom's death. Then after she died, other things became more important then berating myself for my stupidity.

Yes, I used to call myself stupid when I berated myself. I still call myself that sometimes, but not as much as I used to. Perhaps the change has to do with growing older and realizing that I have to face everything without running away or trying to hide. I still want to hide sometimes when I do something wrong, but I eventually face the situation and determine if I can do something about it.