Witness to withness

The Man Behind The Mask

         It is early in March 2012 and it is difficult to assess how I have continued to survive feelings of disconnection. Just when I think I have a handle on what it means to rejoin the human race I literally go through a period in which I am running out of breath. I walk into the doctor office hoping for a good word/magic pill and am told by the doctor that I need to be ready to go to the emergency room if my oxygen level gets any lower. I get xrays that I can afford and find out I have fibrosis in the lungs. After reading about it I am overcome with feelings this could be something bad as cancer. On the outside I am stoic and in control. On the insider there is a small voice screaming:
HELP!!!
          Work had become a different kind of challenge. I had been a security guard for about six years, but it does not feel like a good fit for someone who has been a caregiver all his life. I wasconstantly floating, which meant that after six years of trying to make an impression, I continued to make minimum wage until my security company found me a permanent post. Tomorrow I will be at the Sprint Center for the big twelve tournament. I have indulged in a diet of sports in an attempt to escape my fears. If my team wins, I feel better for a time. If they lose then maybe it is time to find another team.

          What environment might possess one to swim in the quagmire of emotional illness? I think part of the draw is a passion to be more than others will ever see you to be. As I began schooling at a Christian college in 1974 I felt out of place. I had just become a new Christian and was very unsure of myself around girls. My roommates talked about doing devotions and girlfriends and when I did not reciprocate they decided I was weird. How could I prove to them I was just as normal as they were? Hal Lindsey's book on Revelation seemed to be an oasis in the desert. One of my favorite passages was found in Revelations 11:
1 I was given a reed like a measuring rod and was told, “Go and measure the temple of God and the altar, with its worshipers. 2 But exclude the outer court; do not measure it, because it has been given to the Gentiles. They will trample on the holy city for 42 months. 3 And I will appoint my two witnesses, and they will prophesy for 1,260 days, clothed in sackcloth.” 4 They are “the two olive trees” and the two lampstands, and “they stand before the Lord of the earth.”[a] 5 If anyone tries to harm them, fire comes from their mouths and devours their enemies. This is how anyone who wants to harm them must die. 6 They have power to shut up the heavens so that it will not rain during the time they are prophesying; and they have power to turn the waters into blood and to strike the earth with every kind of plague as often as they want.
7 Now when they have finished their testimony, the beast that comes up from the Abyss will attack them, and overpower and kill them. 8 Their bodies will lie in the public square of the great city—which is figuratively called Sodom and Egypt—where also their Lord was crucified. 9 For three and a half days some from every people, tribe, language and nation will gaze on their bodies and refuse them burial. 10 The inhabitants of the earth will gloat over them and will celebrate by sending each other gifts, because these two prophets had tormented those who live on the earth.
11 But after the three and a half days the breath[b] of life from God entered them, and they stood on their feet, and terror struck those who saw them.


          When I was in a good mood I felt I was one of the two Witnesses in the Chapter 11 of Revelation. I only needed another to go with me on the ride. I became infatuated with a young lady whose dad happened to be a minister. We dated and I decided that she must be the other witness.(of course she never knew this). Now there was hope to overcome all the emotions that I kept hidden from others. After all having doubts about one's faith seemed to be a sure sign that one did not really believe in God. I wanted to let others know I was sure.
         At my worst I saw myself as“the beast” described in Revelation. I was defeated. Hope for the saint could not be far away. My Christian learnings taught me that depression and sharing good news did not mix. Whatever explanation was there? If I am not the good guy, then I must be the bad guy. Maybe that is the ticket. I can be considered the blame so that everyone else can no for sure they have become the Christian I could never be.
Obviously I am in a different place then I was in those days.

          Obviously I am in a different place then I was in those days. I am even breathing better. I pray that what is left of my breath leads others toward a desire for more abundant life. In time may the same God who created light provide visions that help others to get their light turned back on. I look forward to the celebration that draws all persons in closer relationship to all that lives, flows and breathes.