Who do I still think I am??

This one's about flip-flopping.

30DBC PROMPT: "Write a letter of resignation. Quit your day job (at least on paper). Rebel against doing yet another load of laundry. Abandon your post as jack-of-all-trades. Just make sure your explanation is funny and overdone."

Yeah, what's goin' on? Yeah, I'm gonna have to ask you to rethink this prompt and come in on Saturday. And maybe Sunday too.

Whatever. What's up? It's Funny Friday...and it's hiiiii-larious because I can't seem to get hired in a house fire if my shorts were made of water, or somethin' like that. So already I'm behind the 8-ball with this prompt, since I don't have a job to quit (day or night). Add to that my rebellious nature already (am I s'posta rebel against rebelling? What does that even mean??), and all that's left is what I've probably been best at in my entire working career (again, what does that even mean??)...the "jack of all trades".

Or as they (whomever "they" are) say, "jack of all trades, master of none".

I won't bore you with my work history or how valuable I've been to every company I've ever worked for (or how I somehow manage to sabotage everything by being a nonconforming jerk). That's what my resume is for, and there's just so many KB's, GB's and TB's (kilobytes, gigabytes and terabytes, for those who have to take an extra second to recognize the abbreviations) in the world to go around, so I'm not gonna bother wasting internet real estate here trying to impress you for a job that doesn't exist.

What I can do, however, is present you with the image of the anti-dream interview...you know, the one where you have to picture your potential boss naked for ten seconds before the interview starts in order to calm your nerves? Only the person interviewing you isn't gonna be your boss (thank you, human resources), and is actually repulsive enough that your eyeballs want to throw up a little in the back of your skull.

[Here's an interesting side note about "human resources" people...I worked for a company once (that no longer exists so I'm not gonna snitch) who had the absolutely nicest HR guy you could meet, until the girls walked in, and then he turned into some kind of ravaging horndog who acted like he was 17 years old going to an all-boys Catholic high school and had just seen women for the first time. He looked like George Jefferson (ask your parents or Google him if ya don't know) but sounded like he swallowed a Smurf. I really wish there was some way I could make a comparison via YouTube, but I can't, and that's sad.]

So you're an average guy like me, applying for an average job with average pay, and your average interviewer walks in. Shirt and tie? Child please...you're lucky I'm even wearing pants. At least I've got my dress shirt sorta buttoned...gotta show off the man-sweater underneath for the layyyyy-deeeees. I say w'sup to the dude, and kick my feet up on his desk. He thanks me for my time and starts to ask the scripted questions from his company's HR website, when I interrupt him and tell him I'll be asking the questions...in demand form. As in "this is what I'mma do, this is what I'mma need to do it, and this is what I'mma expect you to compensate a brotha with every damn time it's a payday 'round heeee-yah."

And then, outta nowhere, the magical fryer gnome pops out of his desk drawer with a visor, grease-stained polo shirt made out of t-shirt material with two holes in it where the nametag goes, an employee handbook with W-4's and a direct deposit form, and a custom-made gold and jewel encrusted right-handed French fry scoop, and he shrieks "Welcome to McBurgerlandville's!", jumping up and down and leaving tiny little gnome footprints out of milkshake mix in front of me. We fist-bump, I say "Word!", tell the boss I'll see him on Monday, and wink at his 70-something secretary on the way out, who gives me a look like she hasn't seen a man in his tighty-whities since WWII.

See, you could go on YouTube and type into the search bar just about anything related to quitting a job, and you'll notice hundreds of classy (and not so much) ways to walk out of the office/get away from the ranch/jump off the stripper pole, but where else are you gonna find a guy getting hired at a fast food restaurant by doing stuff you wouldn't do to get hired? As someone who's been in middle management long enough to interview plenty of people both under- and over-qualified for the work they're desiring, I know how uncomfortable and daunting the interview process can seem at times. Just remember these tips: 1) Smile and make eye contact during the firm handshake (groping genitals is inappropriate); 2) Nod and say "mm-hmm" a lot, but pay attention when it comes to the important stuff like salary, vacation time and the inter-company dating policy; and 3) Always be the best-looking person in the room...it intimidates people, and intimidation = leadership.

Now go get that job the loser before you quit on...I do want fries with that!

BCF PROMPT: "Think of a topic or issue about which you’ve switched your opinion. Why the change?"

Oh man...I totally forgot that I might have to think today. I wasn't prepared for that. I guess when it comes to issues, I try to be knowledgeable enough about where I stand so that when the days comes that I have to back up my convictions, I won't look like a fool and concede just how flat-fuck wrong I am and have to change my side. That, of course, being that I actually care enough about any particular issue enough to have an opinion.

The reality is that unfortunately, everyone's right about what they believe, whether they're actually right or not. That's how the people of the world are wired. And when you're trying to rationalize with them, you become wrong, no matter what. That's the sad, dark underbelly of a society informed by corrupt media and politicians, corporations, and "I knows a guy who sez dat...". Everybody's got a "guy" who "knows someone" that "said" what's "really goin' on", and treats that indulgence as gospel. But that's another story for another time, when I'll be your "guy" and spit my truths at you for you to pass around the next pot-luck dinner.

My personal allegiance to certain opinions rarely varies, and it's typically somewhere down the middle of the road. I can't think of anything off the top of my head, except for maybe food. You know...when you hate something as a kid but you realize 20 years later you actually love it? Like tuna salad sandwiches, for example. I don't recall liking them after a certain point, but now I realize why: if they're made with Miracle Whip and sweet relish, they're disgusting. Contrary to popular opinion, Miracle Whip actually ruins everything it comes near. Nothing zings the shit outta your appetite than Miracle Whip, and I'll put that on my grave marker.

[Another fun side note: I love how when you type "miracle whip commercial sandwich ain't a sandwich" in YouTube's search bar, this song comes up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CprQhWh0SeI...totally forgot about that jam! One of my favorites!]

So what makes a good tuna salad sammich? Start with two cans of Albacore tuna and a Kaiser roll, preferably toasted. Drain the tuna and mix it with finely chopped onions and celery, dash on some pepper, add a little dill relish if desired and stir it all up with real mayonnaise until it reaches your desired consistency. Spread some horseradish mustard on the roll, add some fancy lettuce and a slice or two of your favorite cheese, use however much of the tuna mixture you need (refrigerate the rest for later), and there it is: the tuna salad sandwich that tore apart my ideology of what tuna was to me in my youth.

Food that makes me go back on my word...that might be as close as I can get to an opinion change. I won't be a Republican or gun owner anytime soon. My religion is no religion, and I have no right to tell a woman what to do with her body (although I do like it when I get to make suggestions ). Let people marry animals for all I care. Just don't beat me over the head with your beliefs, and I promise I won't wipe my feet on the furniture when I visit your house and leave my shoes on. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDT_Po_hjJM

I vote we all make getting along and understanding each other a bigger priority than having pissing contests over who's deity is grander and who's got the bigger bombs and why the royal baby's name is George today, but may not be if/when he actually takes the throne (true story...kings can assume their reign under a different name than what they're given). That's my opinion, and word is bond.

MUSICAL BREAK!!

This is as close to a resume as I can allow myself to post freely for all the internets to see.

THE DAILY BOX SCORE:

Dear Cortland: I don't need to see "J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets suck" all up in my face in dark hunter puke green everywhere I go, they traded Revis, they suck, and so do your fanny packs. That is all. Thank you, and good day. Jerks.

Side note/question regarding the rising popularity of advertising on mobile devices when using data services: since a lot of cellular providers cap data usage, charge more for exceeding limits, or slow down data transfer speeds, is the end user being charged KB's, MB's or even GB's for ads they may not want or are seeing but not soliciting? It doesn't seem right that this could be happening, but according to USA Today, Facebook stocks have been soaring in part due to their strategy regarding potential profits in mobile advertising. Has anyone else wondered this? There should be some kind of consumer advocacy group that actually cares enough to do something about this. Note the operative words in that last sentence before you spit acronyms at me, please. And don't try to sell me on the overblown theory that we're so used to advertising now on computers and web pages that it makes sense to offer them in mobile platforms too, or that it's "business" and "an untapped revenue stream". I'm calling bullshit on the industry for allowing this to happen. I accept commercials on terrestrial radio and television because they're free services and rely on advertising money to turn profits and make their business happen, but for services that the consumer pays for, there should be strict limits on who can pimp what and for how long. Look at pay tv models...are they doing it right? Is that the right example? Is it less advertising or just better programming on a dollar-based comparison? Instead of determining who's too fat to do what on this great green/blue Earth, I want the number-crunchers to sink their pocket protectors into this.

Speaking of USA Today, I'm impressed with the offline capabilities of their app in Windows' operating system. And their content tore my anger a new a-hole last night. Good stuff. I'm always impressed with the big nationwide corporate news whores machine run by Gannett.

Screw this royal baby nonsense! What I wanna know is what has to happen and how quickly can we get Kate's sister Pippa's boyfriend onto the throne, and can we change the law or whatever Britons call 'em so he doesn't have to change his name? So he'll have to get married and a bunch of important people have to die...so what? Wouldn't it be worth it just to see "King Nico Jackson" in the headlines (http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&frm=1&source=web&cd=8&cad=rja&sqi...)? I need some of my British readership to show me their feelings about this.

Here's an idea for WDC's "Portfolio Search Engine"...add blog entry titles to it as well. It'd be so much easier than trying to type up an entry and open more windows and search through hundreds of entries just to reference a point made months or even years ago. Maybe this only applies to nerds like me who retain this kind of info to hopefully find useful some other time but can't remember what they told the last person who asked them what they had for lunch. C'mon...I can't be the only one who thinks this is doable and necessary. And besides, I'm suggesting this knowing personally what I'm asking for. Searching my blog titles is like trying to alphabetize a bag of M&M's anyway. But I think it could be helpful to others.

I think that's all I have to say today, which seems like enough as it is. I'm off to find better ways to entertain myself...thanks for another raunchy fun-filled attempt at escapism today. Peace, sorry Charlie, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!