Boy in the Shadows

Chapter Eleven

“I won't sleep till the sky is calmer


Keep on searching till I've found you


And my love will be your armor


In this battlefield around you


So hold on, hold on...I'll be there soon.”





- I'll Be Your Strength, THE WANTED

God...please help him.


         Braden leaned against the outside of Sam's door, listening to the kid's cries of anguish, feeling his heart crushing. Tears slid down Braden's face one after another. His throat tightened and clenched, his breath shuddering each time he drew in air.


         “God...please.” He cried in despair. “I don't know what to do.” He leaned his head back and closed his eyes as hot tears squeezed out from under his eyelids and drained down his cheeks. “He hasn't been in this bad of shape since...”


         Braden swallowed thickly and opened his eyes slowly. Since Jase. Anger and resentment swelled up inside him. He'd wanted to rip that little fucker's head off.


         And the others.


         The agony of that memory ripped at Braden and he squeezed his eyes shut again.


          He would have beaten the shit out of all of them, would've gladly faced prison...if Sam had had anyone else to look after him. But he'd had no one but Braden...and there was no way in hell Braden was gonna leave Sam alone in the condition he was in at that moment. Without Braden right there...Sam wouldn't have made it through. He'd wanted to die so bad that Braden was afraid to even sleep at night, for fear Sam would hurt himself.


         Braden trembled and more tears spilled free as that old fear returned. Sam was hurting bad. But this time, Braden didn't know why. Not the details anyway. Nothing could hurt Sam this way except when his heart was torn apart by a love gone wrong. What the hell had happened to him out there? Who had done this to him? What the fuck was wrong with these men that they could hurt someone like Sam? Didn't anyone in this fucking world possess a heart and soul anymore?


         Only when Sam's cries began to subside did Braden leave his door and go to the kitchen. He took out the makings of a simple meal. He didn't know when Sam had last eaten a decent meal, but suspected it may have been awhile. The odds of getting the kid to eat were slim, but he had to try. He wouldn't let Sam sink into an unhealthy state of mind or body, not again. He'd almost lost him after the incident with Jase and the other boys. He'd be damned if whatever had ripped into him this time was going to take him away.


         “God, please give him strength.” Braden whispered. “Give us both strength to get through this.” He felt sick inside, knowing what Sam was going through. And if he himself felt this bad...he could only imagine the depth of torture and torment Sam was suffering. “Why do you let these things happen to him?” Braden choked out quietly, his eyes burning again with tears. “What is the reason? Is there even a reason?” Braden rubbed his eyes. “Or do you even care what happens to him? All it would take is one man – just one man's love – to heal him, to bring him back from all he's been through.” Braden choked on a sob. “Why can't you give him that? Why is that so much to ask for? Maybe none of the rest of us really deserve anything from you...but he does.”


         Braden leaned on the counter and dropped his head in his hands then raked his fingers through his hair, sobs clogging his throat. “God.” The strangled cry squeezed out of his throat. “Please...do something...anything. Just let me know you're really there...that you hear me.” Another cry wrenched free as he straighted up and looked at the ceiling. “Show me you give a damn!”


         A shaky breath escaped Braden. He swallowed thickly and wiped his face. Was he really expecting an answer right this second-


         The cordless phone on the wall by the doorway rang loud. Braden flinched hard, his pulse stuttering at the sudden, unexpected noise.


         He walked across the kitchen and grabbed it out of it's base. He looked at the Caller ID screen. His brow tightened and his pulse quickened as he stared at the name.


         Sam.


         His heart pounding hard, he slowly raised the phone to his ear and pressed the talk button.


         “Hello?” Braden said quietly, his voice tight with an apprehension he didn't quite understand.


         Who the hell had Sam's phone...and why would they be calling here?











“Hello?”


         There was a noticeable level of tension and strain in the deep masculine voice resonating through the phone and into Adam's head. His throat tightened when he tried to speak, his words lodging and refusing to emerge from his mouth. A burning sensation stung his eyes as the bedroom swam before him. The urge to just cry out and beg the man to tell him if Sam was okay, was nearly more than he could resist. But again, his words stuck and wouldn't budge.


         “Hello?” The man said again, stronger this time. “Who is this? Why do you have my brother's phone?”


         He didn't ask if it was Sam...as if he knew for certain it wasn't. Sam had to be there with him. He had to be.


         Every word Adam had rehearsed in his head, everything he had meant to say to this man...it all went away, vanished without a trace. And he was left at a loss for words. His hand trembled as he gripped the phone to his ear. Tears were sliding down his face as sobs began to grip him. He was on the verge of closing the phone, ending the call, when the man spoke again and the anguish in his voice reached through the phone and clutched Adam's heart, squeezing painfully.


         “Please.” The man spoke low, his voice thick with an emotion that hadn't been there just seconds ago. “Just tell me...are you the one?”


         “The one...who?” The words tumbled quietly off Adam's lips before he even knew they were there. His heart thumped hard against his ribs. He could barely breathe as a silence lingered at the other end of the line.


         “The one...Sam is running from?” Tears thickened and tightened his words. “The one who's tearing his heart apart.”


         Hard sobs tore through Adam as images of Sam rose behind his eyes. Images of Sam laying alone in bed, crying his heart out, the force of his grief curling his body into a tight ball. Tears welled up and spilled over. “I love him.” Adam choked out quietly. “I begged him to stay with me.”


         “Why did he leave?” The man whispered, forcing strength into his words, but Adam could feel his grief and sorrow for his brother.


         Adam licked his lips and cleared his throat, struggling to maintain control when his mind and body just wanted to break. “He didn't think I could love him if...if I really knew him.”


         A heavy silence came through the phone and for a moment Adam thought the cell had lost the call.


         “Maybe he's right.” The man said suddenly, low, a strain to his voice.


         Adam shook his head slowly, crying softly. “No.” He whispered. “He's not right. I love him.”


         Another silence settled over the line. Adam didn't have to be inside the man's head to know what was coursing through his mind.


         Hugging himself with one arm, Adam swallowed past the lump in his throat. “I know what...what he was afraid of.” He released a shaky breath. “I know what he was too scared to tell me. What he thought I wouldn't...understand.”


         The silence lingered, then Braden spoke in a bare whisper. “How do you know?”


         Adam trembled. “I found the prescription bottle...saw what it was.”


         “And you...put it together with just that?”


         “No.” Adam whispered thickly. “It was just one piece of the puzzle...but the piece that made all the others fall into place.”


         This time a longer silence followed. “Tell me.” The man whispered as emotion gripped his words. “Tell me what you think you know about Sam.”











Sam felt as if he were floating somewhere between life and death, walking down an endless hall with thousands of doors. And behind each one he opened...was Adam. Reaching for him, calling to him, pleading with him to come back to him, come home.


         Before he could rush to him, the door would slam. And he realized he was the one slamming the doors, locking Adam on the other side. He moved from one door to another, telling himself he was searching for a room without Adam, someplace he could just be alone and sleep. But each time a door opened and he saw Adam standing there...his heart would race and explode with joy and happiness. It was the moment he stepped towards Adam and saw the sudden uncertainty fill Adam's eyes as he saw Sam for real...that the door would slam.


         Sam sank down on the hard floor and leaned against the wall. There were thousands more doors to open. What was he really searching for? But deep down in the core of his heart he knew. He was searching for the real Adam. The one who would look at him, see him...and still love him. But maybe that Adam was the apparition and all these others were the real one.


         Closing his eyes, Sam hugged his stomach and cried, his head hanging low. He laid down on the floor and pressed his cheek to the cold tiles as his tears dripped on to the hard surface.


         “Adam...” His body shook as he pressed his face against the floor. “Please be real...”


         Sam opened his eyes, and for a fleeting moment thought he was on the bed in Adam's spare room. His pulse raced as he thought maybe it had all been a dream...him leaving Adam...Adam letting him go and not coming after him.


         The cool wall pressed against his face and Sam knew where he was. Braden's. He was home. It wasn't a dream. He had walked away from Adam...and Adam had let him go. He hadn't come for him. Hadn't even called for him to come back.


         Warm tears dripped onto his pillow. Maybe that's what hurt the most. He didn't know why. If Adam had come after him, Sam would've fought him, insisted on leaving. So what did it matter that he just stepped back and let go? Why did he want Adam to fight for him when it was a battle Adam couldn't win? It was better this way. Better for Adam. The harder he fought, the more it would hurt him when he lost the fight. And Sam didn't wish that kind of pain on the man. Sam was suffering enough for everyone.


         “Adam.” The name trembled on his lips. His eyes filled up and flooded over as he stared at the wall. “Thank you for trying to love me.” His throat closed and locked up. “For believing you could.”


         Sam slid his arm under his pillow and pulled it closer. His tears flowed freely as he gazed blankly at the wall, the last remnants of his heart finally coming apart.


         It was over. For real.


         Adam wasn't coming for him.


         He was really gone.          


         And the only thing Sam had to remember him by...was the unbearable pain breaking him apart inside.


         He didn't know how long he lay there, and must have fallen asleep again, because it was dark outside when Braden came to wake him up. He didn't dream this time, just sweet restful sleep. For that much he was thankful.


         Braden touched his shoulder. “Wake up, Sam.” He said quietly. “Dinner's about ready.”


         Sam rolled over slowly. He could feel the dried tears on his face and the puffiness around his eyes. He swallowed hard. A lump still tightened his throat. “I'm not...” He cleared his throat and swallowed again. “I'm not really hungry.”


         “Too bad.” Braden grabbed his legs and swung them over the edge of the bad and pulled him up into a sitting position. There seemed to be no strength in Sam's body and he leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, and rested his head in his hands.


         “You need to eat, Sam.” Braden's tone left no room for argument. “Why don't you go take a shower. It'll wake you and make you feel better.”


         Sam groaned low and raked his fingers through his hair, just wanting to go back to sleep. If he could be assured of more dreamless sleep, he wouldn't care if he never woke up again.


         Sitting beside him, Braden draped an arm around him and squeezed his shoulder affectionately, pulling Sam against him. “It's gonna be okay, little brother.” He kissed the top of Sam's head. “You'll see.”


         Why Braden's words of assurance brought the tears back, he wasn't sure, but he tried to blink them back. Maybe the tears were the result of Sam's inability to put faith in his brother's words. Nothing would ever be okay again. He might eventually be able to convince Braden that things we all right with him. But inside, he wouldn't be all right.


         “I know you don't believe me right now.” Braden spoke low, as if reading Sam's thoughts. He kissed his head again. “But you're gonna get through this. And you're gonna be okay.”


         Braden stood and walked to the door. “Now hop in the shower and wash the highway off your body.” He grinned. “You're a bit rank.”


         Sam looked at him, then let go a short laugh and flipped him off.


         Braden grinned wider. “Now there's the brother I know so well.” He chuckled and stepped out the door.


         “I'm not rank.” Sam muttered then lifted his arm a little and sniffed his pit. He cleared his throat and stood up. “A shower would be good.”











The pressure in Adam's head threatened to blow his skull apart. His conversation with Braden Connor had left him numb. Maybe it was having his theories confirmed. Thinking something, and knowing it for a fact were two different things. There was no more room for thinking he might be wrong. And for unknown reasons, sometimes knowing the absolute truth was more frightening than not knowing anything for certain.


         A shaky breath slipped from between Adam's lips as he stuffed clothes in the black sports bag sitting on his bed. His whole body was trembling as he moved back forth between the bed and the dresser.


         The truth was frightening...but it also lent a measure of relief. He knew now, for certain, what was going on with Sam. And not having to guess made it easier for him to figure out what to say to Sam. Not that he was clear on that just yet. He tried to put himself in Sam's place. What would convince him that he could trust another's love? What could a man say to him that would put his heart and mind at ease and allow him to relax in their arms? After all that had happened to Sam...did there even exist any words that could make him trust Adam?


         “Oh god, Sam.” Adam murmured. “You're not gonna make this easy for me, are you?” Sam might not be a big guy, but he sure as hell knew how to fight Adam in a battle of love. Knew all the moves to block Adam's advances. And dammit, the boy could throw one hell of a punch to the heart.


         The battle wouldn't just be with Sam. Over the phone, Adam could hear in Braden's voice how much he wanted to believe Adam was the one, that his love was for real. But he also sensed the man's fierce protectiveness over Sam. He didn't have to just convince Sam...he had to convince Braden as well.


         And until Braden believed him and trusted him...there was no way in hell Adam would get anywhere near Sam.











The strong aroma of garlic bread hit Sam when he stepped out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist.. He returned to the bedroom, dressed then went to the kitchen. Braden was dishing spaghetti onto two plates. He looked up when Sam came in.


         “Your favorite.” He grinned. “At least I assume it still is.”


         Sam smiled. “It's been my favorite since I was five. I don't think it's going to change now.”


         “Good.” Braden nodded towards the table. “Pull up a chair.”


         Sam took a seat and Braden set a plate before him then placed another plate of garlic bread in the center of the table. Braden took the other plate and sat across from him. He reached over and took Sam's hand then closed his eyes and bowed his head. Sam stared at him. Braden looked up slowly and raised an eyebrow.


         “Bow your head, little brother.”


         Sam sighed and bowed his head.


         Braden squeezed his hand affectionately. “God is great, God is good. Let us thank Him for this food. Amen.”


         Raising his head slowly, Sam looked at his older brother doubtfully. “That's it?”


         Braden grinned and reached for the garlic bread. “What?”


         “It wasn't very eloquent.”


         Braden chuckled and shrugged. “God don't care, as long as you mean it.”


         “Yeah.” Sam murmured, then shook his head and smiled. It didn't matter how awful he felt, just being near Braden always made him feel better. Why had he waited so long to come home?


         Though his stomach was still rebelling to the idea of food, Sam forced himself to eat. He owed his life to Braden, in so many ways. And when he took the time to fix Sam's favorite meal, he could at least eat it...whether he felt hungry or not.


         “The guest house is still yours if you want it.” Braden said between mouthfuls. “All your stuff is still there.” He lowered his fork and looked at the young man sincerely. “You are staying this time, right? I don't want you out on the road anymore.” A smile played across his lips. “I've probably got more ulcers than stomach as it is.”


         Sam smiled a little but he knew there was surely more truth than fiction to his brother's words. He knew it worried Braden sick when Sam was out there alone. His brother didn't deserve that kind of grief and he felt the guilt of putting him through it.


         Sam stared at his plate and shoved the spaghetti around with his fork. “I'm staying.” He said quietly. He didn't really know why he had took to the road in the first place. Maybe because sitting still in one place for too long made him start thinking too much, remembering too much. It was easier to keep his thoughts disrupted when he was out on the road. He had been running from the memories, from his own personal reality, he knew that now. Thinking if we walked far enough, he could leave it all behind. If it hadn't been for Adam...he would still be out there, trying to outrun it all. But how do you outrun what's inside of you?


         “That's good.” Braden said, then as if reading his thoughts yet again, added, “It's time for you to stop running.”


         Sam licked his lips slowly and kept his eyes on his plate. Feeling Braden's eyes on him, he looked up.


         “You don't solve anything by running from it, Sam.” Braden said gently.


         “It doesn't solve anything by facing it either.” Sam whispered. “Not for me anyway.”


         Braden stared at him in silence for a moment then looked down at his plate. “Are you still taking your prescription?”


         Sam stiffened and his fingers gripped the fork. “What good does it do...really?”


         Raising his eyes, Braden studied Sam from across the table. “Do you still have some with you?”


         Sam released a slow breath and leaned back in his chair, dropping his fork. “No.” He said thickly. “I threw them away.”


         “Why, Sam?”


         Sam closed his eyes as his face tightened. Why was Braden hounding him with questions now? This wasn't like him. “God, what does it matter?” Sam opened his eyes and stared hard at the older man. “It doesn't matter, Braden. I'm not going to leave again. I'm not going to ever...” A sudden, unexpected well of tears filled his eyes. “I'm not ever going to be with anyone.” He turned his face away and wiped at his eyes. “I don't want to be with anyone. I just want to be left alone.”


         Pressing his lips tightly together, Braden nodded slowly. “You really believe that?”


         “What?” Sam said tightly, his jaw clenched against his tears.


         “That you don't want to be with anyone?”


         Sam sniffed and wiped at his eyes again. “It's the truth.”


         “Bullshit.” Braden spoke low as he stirred the spaghetti on his plate.


         “What?” Sam stared at him. What the hell was with his brother tonight?


         Sighing heavily, Braden met his stare. “I said bullshit. You tell yourself you want to be left alone because you're too scared to let someone love you.”


         Sam's chin trembled and he looked away as more tears burned his eyes. “Don't pretend to know what I think or feel.” He whispered unsteadily.


         “Sam.” Braden looked at him hard. “I've been in your head from day one. I know you better than you know yourself. That is the truth.”


         Sam couldn't meet his eyes, couldn't answer.


         “I remember things, Sam...things that even you don't remember anymore because you were only five or six. Things you asked me, how confused you were.” He licked his lips and looked at his plate. “How scared you were, even then.”


         Tears slid down Sam's face. For as long as he could remember, Braden had been the one trying to help him...even before Braden was old enough to really understand. Still he tried.


         “I remember what mom and dad thought at first.” Braden spoke low, tight. “And how they reacted when they realized they were wrong. What they put you through...how much it hurt you.” His fists clenched on top of the table as his voice tightened fiercely and tears filled his eyes. “Dammit, Sam. Don't tell me I don't know how you feel, how you think. I've been in this with you from the start. Every time you hurt – I hurt too. So don't fucking tell me I don't know.”


         Sam squeezed his eyes shut as his arms slid around his waist. Hot tears streaked his face. Braden left his chair and came around the table. He dropped to his knees and pulled Sam into his arms, hugging him tight. “I love you, Sam.” He whispered tightly, tears thickening his words. “You know I love you more than anything in this world.”


         Sam pressed his face against Braden's shoulder and cried, locked in his brother's embrace.


         “I know your heart, Sam.” He choked out softly. “I've held it in my hands, picked up the pieces myself.” He kissed the side of Sam's head. “I know you don't want to be alone, Sammy. You tell yourself you do because you think people will only hurt you if you let them love you.”


         Sam slid his arms around Braden's neck and hugged him close, unable to stop the tears or the sobs racking his body.


         “Who is he, Sam?” Braden whispered against the boy's soft hair. “Who is it you were running from when you came here?”


         Sam squeezed his eyes tighter shut. Images of Adam flashed in his mind. He tried to shut them out. God, it hurt so bad to think about Adam.


         “Tell me about him, Sam.” Braden murmured. He stroked Sam's hair and continued to hold him close. “Tell me what happened.”


         Shaking head slowly, Sam choked out in quiet anguish, “It doesn't matter...he let me go.”


         Braden drew back and rubbed the tears from Sam's face with his thumbs, then gazed into the young man's clear eyes, filled with tears and pain. “He didn't try to stop you at all?” Braden asked slowly, softly.


         Warm tears spilled down his face, wetting Braden's thumbs. “He did...but...”


         “But in the end, he let you go?” Braden murmured.


         Sam nodded and broke again as Braden hugged him tight once more. “Well, baby brother...maybe he wanted it to be your choice to stay. Maybe he didn't want to feel like he was forcing you to be with him...if you really didn't want to be.” Braden went silent for a moment as his words sank heavily into Sam's mind and heart. “But you still wanted him to come after you...didn't you?” Braden whispered. “You wanted him to love you enough to really fight for you.”


         Sam pulled away from Braden and stood up, moving away from him. Sobs stuck in his throat, choking him. “Letting me go was the best thing for him.” He cried. “It's good that he didn't come for me, that he didn't fight for me. In the end...” Sam shuddered with sobs. “In the end...I would have just destroyed him like...like I did Jase.”


         “Jase?” Braden rose to his feet, his chest heaving. “Don't you dare feel guilty about that little fucker, Sam. I'll kick your ass if you stand there and act as if you did him wrong. That is fucking bullshit and you know it.”


         Sam turned slowly and faced his brother. Everything inside him felt unhinged, broken. He couldn't even remember how it felt to be whole inside. But then maybe he never had been. God, why did everything in his life have to hurt so fucking bad?


         “What right did I have, Braden?” He choked out. “What right did I have to expect him to understand? Would you have understood, if it had been you in his place? Would you have?”


         Tears swam in Braden's fierce eyes. “I wouldn't have done what he did. That was straight up, uncalled for bullshit, Sam.”


         Sam gazed at Braden. He felt weak, beaten down. Worn out. “I took everything from him that night.” He whispered thickly. “I robbed him of the love of his life.”


         “You don't get it, Sam.” Braden shook his head slowly. “If you had really been the love of his life...he would still be with you.” He moved towards Sam and gripped the kid's head in his hands. “When a man really loves you...nothing can keep him away.” He stroked Sam's wet face with his thumbs and murmured, “He would move heaven and earth just to be by your side.” He kissed Sam's brow. “Remember that, little brother.”


         Braden kissed the top of his head and released him, then left the room. Sam stood unmoving, staring blankly at the floor. Warm tears slowly filled his eyes and poured over.


         His brother was right, he knew it. But he didn't want to know it. He didn't want to know what a man would do when he really loved another man, because...


         Because he didn't want to know that Adam didn't really love him.











Ariel pricked her ears and nickered as Adam approached through the dimly lit barn. He reached in his pocket and withdrew a peppermint treat. He smiled and scratched her face with one hand as he fed her the treat with the other.


         “I'm gonna be gone for a few days, girl.” He murmured. “Mr. Hanson from down the road is gonna look after you. You be nice to him, ya hear? He's a good ol' guy.”


         The mare nuzzled at his hand again. Adam grinned and dug in his pocket, withdrawing another treat. Her soft lips wriggled across his palm and took the treat gently, if eagerly. He rubbed her face and kissed her on the small white star, then pressed his brow to her head.


         “Time to go get our boy back.” He whispered. “Wish me luck?”


         Adam straightened up and rubbed her face again. “Lord knows, I'm gonna need all the luck I can get.”


         He gave her pretty face one more good rubbing then walked out of the barn and headed for his truck.


         Time to strap on the gloves and step into the ring.