Boy in the Shadows

Chapter Two - "One More Night"

“I'm looking for some kind of sign


to let me know it's all okay,


'cause when I met you I had no idea


that I would think and feel this way.”





- What Am I Gonna Do With You, SHAWN THOMAS










The porcelain was cold as death as he gripped the edge of the sink. His head was ducked and he again watched his tears drop and explode in the basin of the sink. The dream held him in its grip once more, squeezing and refusing to release him. Even though while he was caught in the dream, he knew it was a dream...he still literally relived the experience over and again.


         The bathroom door pushed open. Sam closed his eyes, squeezed them tight. Rather than reconciling himself to what was coming each time that door opened, each experience grew worse, frightened him more. Would it ever stop? Was he cursed to relive this for the rest of his life? He didn't know how to make it stop.


         Thick tears rolled down his face and fell heavily into the sink, splattering in the basin and trickling down the drain. Sam clutched the sink as he listened to the footsteps coming closer. He wanted to fight, but he wasn't in control. The events were set in stone and must be played out exactly as they were written, like actors reading a script.


         Sam steeled himself. Any second, the hands would grab him, slam him against the wall, pin him in place as, one after another, the three boys viciously ripped away his innocence while spitting hatred in his ears. Their hate would mix with their laughter and echo through the bathroom. A sound that would continue to echo through Sam's soul long after the nightmare had ended.


         But it had never ended, not really. As if on a loop, it replayed almost every night. There was no relief, no escape. No one to rescue him. No one to even care that it was happening to him.


         Please, God, Sam begged silently, desperately. Just let them kill me this time. Just let it be over. I know I was a mistake...just let them erase the mistake.


         Sam choked on a hard sob and gripped the sink tighter. He could feel them behind him. A hand gripped his shoulder and he flinched hard, a gasping sob erupting from his throat. Terror closed his throat and for one hopeful moment he thought he might pass out.


         Let me die. Just make it stop. Please...please...


         “Sam?”


         Sam shuddered hard. Adam's voice filled his head. But Adam wasn't in this dream. He couldn't be...because it wasn't just a dream. He hadn't known Adam then. Was he outside Sam's dream, trying to wake him? He'd wakened him before, in the truck, pulling him out of the dreaded nightmare before the boys could grab him. It was the first time he'd ever been rescued from them and he'd wanted to throw his arms around Adam and kiss him for his saving grace.


         Please hurry, Adam. Wake me up again.


         The hand still gripped his shoulder. “Sam?”


         No one grabbed him. Sam frowned and opened his eyes slowly, lifting his head just a bit. He stared into the mirror. He stared at his reflection and this time saw himself in the mirror. As many times as he'd relived this memory, he had never been able to see himself in the mirror. But he was staring into his own clear eyes, and behind him...Adam stood with his hand on his shoulder. Not threatening him, as the boys did, but...what? What was Adam doing there? How was it even possible?


         “Adam?” Sam trembled through his sobs.


         Adam gazed at him in the mirror. So much emotion swirled through Adam's dark eyes. Too much for Sam to understand.


         Adam gripped Sam's shoulders with both hands, standing close behind him. He pressed his lips to the back of Sam's head and whispered, “Let me in, Sam...and I won't ever let them hurt you again.”


         Sam began to shake with sobs. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “You're not really here.” He cried. “You can't be here. It isn't possible.”


         “I am here, Sam.” Adam murmured, kissing his hair. “I'm here because you brought me here. Because deep down inside, you know I care what happens to you.”


         Sam shook his head harder, tears streaming down his face. “No.” He choked. “No one cares.”


         “I do.” Adam whispered tightly.


         “Stop it.” Sam cried and spun around to face Adam. “You don't care! You can't! I don't want you to! Just shut up-”


         Adam grabbed his face and kissed him with fierce passion. “I do care, Sam.” Adam gasped into Sam's mouth then kissed him again. “And you want me to. You say you don't but you do.”


         Sam cried against Adam's warm mouth. “You can't love me...you don't know what you're saying...you don't know me.”


         “You're wrong, Sam.” Adam murmured against his lips. “I do know you. I see you. And I love what I see.”


         Sam wilted against Adam's body and clung to him desperately, crying hard. Adam's arms wrapped around him and held him tight.


         “Let me love you, Sam.” Adam begged, emotion thickening his voice. “Let me be the one. Please, Sam.”


         Sam pressed his face to Adam's throat, his tears wetting Adam's skin. “I can't.” He cried softly.


         Adam's arms tightened around him as if afraid he was going to pull away and flee. “Why, Sam?”


         Sam clutched his shirt and pressed his lips to Adam's warm throat, felt the beat of Adam's heart pumping fast, hard. “It would hurt too much...to lose you.”


         Sam opened his eyes and the dream was gone. He lay in the bed in Adam's spare room. His heart thumped forcefully. Early morning sun cast warm rays through the window and onto the carpet.


         Confusion gripped him. The dream had never deviated from the set events before. Yet somehow Adam had stepped in and changed everything. For three years, Sam had prayed to be rescued. To be set free from the recurring nightmare, and now...what did it mean?


         Sam sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He rested his elbows on his knees and stared at the floor. A low sigh shuddered through him. Maybe this time it had really just been a dream, brought on by the attention Adam have given him last night. It meant nothing.


         Sam licked his lips. “Nothing at all.” He whispered thickly. His chest tightened with an ache that only added to his confusion. He raised his head and gazed across the room. His eyes settled on the cushioned arm chair. His pack sat where he'd placed it last night. Sam's brow pinched as he stood slowly to his feet and went to the chair. His sweatshirt, t-shirt and jeans were draped over the back of the chair, washed and folded.


         The tightness in his chest squeezed painfully, gripping his heart. He picked up the clean t-shirt and pressed it to his face as he'd done last night with Adam's shirt. Sam closed his eyes and breathed in the fresh scent. “Adam...” He choked on a sudden, hard sob.


         Let me love you, Sam. Let me be the one.


         Sam's chest heaved as his pulse quickened and anguish cut through him. “It was just a dream.” Sam trembled and lowered the shirt. “It meant nothing.” He dropped the shirt in the chair. “Nothing.”











The bedroom door was open. Adam glanced inside. The room was empty. Across the hall, behind the closed bathroom door, the shower was running. Adam went to the door and touched it with his fingertips. Even from outside the bathroom, Adam could smell the scent of soap and shampoo. He closed his eyes and got a sudden image of Sam standing beneath the hot shower spray, suds sliding down his body.


         Adam sucked in a short, sharp breath and opened his eyes, stepping back from the door. His pulse raced. Why did he want Sam so bad? Need him so much? Last night, when he'd touched Sam's face, it had taken all his strength of will to walk out of that room without at least kissing the young man. Even greater was the desire to beg Sam to come to his bed and let Adam hold him and comfort him until his sickness passed.


         Backing further away from the door, Adam returned to the kitchen. He began mixing up a bowl of pancake batter, trying to distract his fevered thoughts from the beautiful young man in the shower down the hall. Anxiety pinched his gut at the prospect of Sam leaving. He was desperate to convince the kid to stay longer, but he didn't know how to do so. The truth was too stark and bold, and confused even himself. The truth would send the kid running scared.


         Adam turned on the electric griddle and sprayed it down with cooking spray. He stared blankly at the black, non-stick surface as it heated up. Down the hall, the shower shut off. In his mind, Adam watched Sam step out of the shower, his bare skin steaming from the hot water. His wavy, golden hair wet and a deeper shade of gold, the tips clinging to his forehead and cheeks.


         A shudder rushed through Adam's body, igniting sensations and desires that overwhelmed him. He gripped the edge of the counter and squeezed his eyes shut, taking a deep breath and releasing it slow.


         “God.” He groaned in a low, unsteady whisper. “Please don't show him to me and then take him away. I don't ask for much...but I'm asking now.” His whole body tingled with the prospect of his request. Please let me have him...body, heart and soul. “Please, God...he's all I need. I don't need anything else.”


         Adam opened his eyes slowly and reached for the bowl of batter, spooning some out onto the hot cooking surface. Moments later, the bathroom door opened. Adam's pulse quickened a bit more. He glanced at the kitchen doorway, but Sam didn't show. Turning the griddle temperature down somewhat, Adam left the kitchen.











The shower felt good as did the freshly washed clothes. Sam crossed the hall back into the bedroom. He wore his jeans and his own black t-shirt again.  He laid Adam's t-shirt on the back of the chair, wishing he could take it with him, wanting even just one thing of Adam's to carry with him. But he couldn't just take it, and he couldn't ask for it either.


         His chest felt hollow, his heart empty as he began to make the bed. He had to leave, there was no other option. Even if Adam wanted him to stay, he couldn't. He had to get away. There was no denying Adam's attraction to him, and Sam sensed that Adam wasn't a man to be put off for too long. And Sam craved what Adam would soon offer him. Craved it like a drug. And that's why he had to get out now, before he got a taste, before he got hooked.


         “You don't have to do that.”


         Sam jumped and turned quickly. Adam stood in the bedroom doorway, gazing at him with his powerful dark eyes.


         Sam swallowed thickly and turned back to the bed. Anything to not have to look at the man. He didn't know why it hurt so bad to look at him, but it did. Hurt like hell. “I don't mind.” Sam murmured.


         Adam crossed the room and went around to the other side of the bed and began helping Sam straighten the blankets. Sam kept his eyes averted from Adam's gaze, but he couldn't push the man from his vision. He watched Adam's hands and again felt them touching his face. His breath stuttered in his throat and he stepped back from the bed. Adam straightened the last corner then looked at Sam.


         “Feeling better this morning?”


         “Yeah.” Sam said quietly without really looking at Adam. He gestured towards the bathroom. “I...took a shower. I hope that's okay.”


         Adam smiled and it pulled Sam's eyes like a magnet drawing a flint of steel. “I told you last night to make yourself at home.”


         Home. What would it be like to call this place home?


         Home is where the heart is.


         How would it feel to call Adam's heart home?


         “Sam?” Adam gazed at him, one eyebrow raised, causing Sam's heart to shudder. “You okay?”


         “Uh...yeah.” Sam faltered and turned his back to Adam. He stepped over to the chair and began messing with his pack. He could feel Adam's eyes heavy on his back. “I've...imposed enough. I should get going.” He picked up his pack. It felt like it was filled with bricks. He didn't remember it being this heavy, but suddenly it felt like a burden he wasn't sure he could carry anymore.


         Adam appeared at his side and took his pack from his hands and dropped it back into the chair. “Not yet.” Adam said. “I'm making breakfast. Pancakes. I can't hardly send you on your way with an empty stomach. What kind of host would I be?”


         Sam hesitated and Adam touched his arm lightly.


         “Stay.” Adam said quietly, and Sam felt more in that one word than a simple request for him to stay for breakfast.


         The thought of eating didn't really appeal to Sam, his stomach was twisted in too many knots. But he owed Adam that much. The man had been more than gracious and hospitable to him.


         You're stalling when you should be getting the hell out of here.


         The voice of reason. The gut feeling that told him when to run. Sam forced the voice out of his head, though he knew once he stopped listening to it, he would be in a world of hurt. But as he met Adam's eyes and felt his fingertips lingering against his arm, Sam didn't have the strength or will to deny him.


         “Okay.” Sam whispered.


         Adam smiled and the slight tension gripping the man eased. He lowered his hand away from Sam's arm, and gestured towards the doorway.











“Last night...you said you weren't headed anywhere.”


         Sam's fork faltered as he started to raise a bite to his mouth. “Yeah.” He took the bite and chewed slowly, staring at his plate.


         Adam watched him. He was almost finished eating and Adam still hadn't been able to break through the wall carefully constructed around Sam. If he could just breech the wall in one spot, maybe he could convince Sam to stay, even just one more day. This couldn't be it, this couldn't be the end. If it was...what was the point? Adam believed everything happened for a reason, and if this was cut short now, that belief might well fade away to nothing. And he needed to believe the events of life had purpose, meaning.


         “So why be in a hurry to go nowhere?” Adam stared at him across the table. Look at me, Sam, he wanted to tell him. Look at me and see how much I want you here, how much I need you here. But Sam wouldn't look at him.


         Sam shrugged. “I like to keep moving.” It was all he offered.


         “Do you have a place you call home?” Adam ignored his own breakfast as he watched the kid intently. “A place you touch base with from time to time?”


         Sam glanced quickly at Adam, but wouldn't hold his stare. “My brother's place, I guess.” He said quietly. “Braden.”


         Adam glanced at his own plate and stabbed a piece of pancake with his fork. “How long has it been since you've been there?” Adam fed the bite into his mouth and continued to look at Sam.


         “Awhile.” Sam murmured. His appetite seemed to be waning. “A couple years.”


         Adam nodded, swallowed then picked up the small glass of orange juice by his plate and took a drink. “A couple years.” He set the glass down. “That's a long time not to visit your brother. Doesn't he worry about you out here on the road?”


         “Yeah, I guess.” Sam admitted. “But I keep in touch. Let him know where I am.”


         Adam nodded. “That's good.” He murmured. “How do you get along? Financially, I mean.”


         Sam shrugged again. “Odd jobs. And Braden helps too.” He met Adam's stare briefly. “Mostly odd jobs though.”


         “I see.” Adam laid down his fork. “So tell me...how do feel about horses?”


         “Huh?” The seemingly sudden change in subject brought Sam's eyes to Adam's.


         “Horses.” Adam repeated. “You like horses?”


         “I...” Sam seemed confused by the question. “I...don't know any.”


         Adam chuckled and picked up his fork again. “Well, when you're finished there, I'll introduce you to some.”


         “Okay...” Sam's brow pinched with a puzzled frown.


         Adam glanced at him and smiled. Adam had enough odd jobs to keep Sam around for months.











The small bay mare thrust her head over the stall gate and nickered as soon as she saw Adam and Sam enter the barn. Her dark brown ears were rimmed in black as if they had been singed, and pricked forward with interest. She whinnied loud when she knew she had their attention.


         Adam laughed and rubbed the small white star on her forehead as he approached her. “Hey, girl. How ya doing?”


         The mare nuzzled his palm, seeking a treat.


         “Yeah, you just love me for the treats, don't ya?” Adam grinned. “You're spoiled is what you are.”


         Sam watched Adam with the horse. He clearly had real affection for the animal. And it seemed to be mutual. Sam gazed at Adam's face, drank in his smile, and felt himself drowning in the man's soft laughter. His heartbeat stuttered then quickened. It was ridiculous but he actually felt jealous of the mare, the way Adam made a fuss over her. The way he clearly adored her. Despite the silly jealousy, Sam nonetheless found it desperately endearing and couldn't resist the smile tugging at his lips.


         Adam looked at him suddenly, catching Sam watching him so intently. Adam's eyes glowed as he gazed at Sam. Sam looked away quick, feeling exposed.


         “Come here, Sam.” Adam said softly. “Meet my best girl.”


         Sam approached the mare cautiously. He'd never been around horses and didn't really know what to expect from this one, though she seemed quite gentle and docile. When he stopped about a foot away, just staring at the animal uncertainly, Adam laughed softly and took hold of Sam's hand, pressing his palm to the mare's face.


         “She don't bite, Sam.” Adam smiled, gazing at Sam's face. “She might love you to death, but she'll never bite you or cause you harm.”


         The smile returned to Sam's lips as he slowly rubbed his hand up the mare's forehead to the small star. She nudged at him with her velvet nose, apparently checking to see if he was the one harboring the treats. Sam laughed softly and slid his hand down so she could smell his palm. She rubbed her mouth in his hand then licked him. Sam laughed again.


         “Horses will lick you like a dog.” Adam grinned. “Weird, huh?”


         “Yeah.” Sam murmured, suddenly understanding why Adam adored the small mare so much. Sam was already falling in love with her. He glanced at Adam. “What's her name?”


         “Ariel.”


         Sam smiled and rubbed the mare's face with both hands. “Like the Little Mermaid?”


         Adam laughed. “Exactly like the Little Mermaid.” He shook his head and grinned. “Love that cartoon.” He looked at Sam. “Is that pathetically gay?”


         Sam smiled and stared in the mare's eyes. “It is.” He looked at Adam and they both laughed.


         Adam reached out and scratched the mare's ear then ran his hand down her black mane. “Would you consider staying here for awhile?” Adam asked quietly. Sam tensed and knew the change was visible. “I've been thinking about hiring someone on to help out around the place, help take care of the horses. The pay would be worth it.” He smiled and shrugged. “And Ariel here is already attached to you...it would be a shame if you left and broke her heart.”


         Was Adam really talking about the mare? Sam pressed his lips together as the mare nudged his stomach with her nose. “That was a cheap shot.” He said quietly, and smiled despite himself.


         “It was, I know.” Adam grinned. “But it's true. I mean, look at her...she already loves you.” Adam gazed warmly at Sam's face. “And, I don't know, but I think maybe you're falling for her too.”


         Falling for Ariel? It was true. Unfortunately, she wasn't the only one Sam was falling for. He licked his lips and stroked the mare's face, whispering softly, “I am.”


         “So stay awhile.” Adam urged gently, sincerely.


         Sam wanted to say yes, wanted to shout it out loud that there was nothing he wanted more than to stay there with Adam. To let himself fall into this man who moved him in ways no one ever had. To allow himself to be loved by him...physically and emotionally. But as much as he longed to say yes...reality would force him to say no.


         “Adam...” Sam's throat tightened and he longed for the moment ago when they were both laughing and at ease. “I appreciate the offer...I really do, but-”


         “Don't...give me your answer just yet.” Adam interjected. “Take one more night to sleep on it. Think about it.”


         Sam's face ached as he clenched his jaw against a sudden well of tears burning his eyes.


         “Just one more night.” He could hear and feel the plea in Adam's voice. “What's one more night gonna hurt? You weren't really headed anywhere anyway...right?”


         Sam swallowed at the lump swelling in his throat. He blinked back the tears. “Right.” He whispered thickly.


         “So?” Adam murmured, and Sam could feel the weight of the man's eyes on his face. “One more night?”


         Sam stared at the mare's face, rubbed his palms over her dark, pretty eyes. If he stayed another night, he would get caught. Hooked. And if that happened...if he let Adam in even just a little bit...they would both come out of this broken. And for Sam...irreparably so.


         Adam touched his fingertips to Sam's chin and lifted his face, drawing Sam's eyes to his own. “Sam?”


         Don't do this. You can't be here. You can't stay.


         “One more night.” Sam shuddered beneath Adam's light touch, and felt his heart melting away in the warmth of Adam's smile.


         You fool, Sammy. What have you done?