Enga mellom fjella

Last Thursday

Nerves-out-of-whack ME!:

My young neighbor suffers from chronic pain. Today he was looking much better than normal. But he agreed that he's sick and tired of being sick.

I'm sick and tired of being "crazy".

My nerves are totally shot. I'm not sleeping well. I can't seem to focus to get things "done".

And yet, slowly things are getting done.

When I arrive in Paris Monday it won't matter if my two rooms are clean and in good order. Nor whether there are any dirty clothes in the basket. Since I usually get an urge to clean when I'm this nervous, I'm not worried. I've already started.

I shopped last night for four days of food. I'll leave very little and nothing perishable. My plants will be watered or not. Lavinia has the key and has helped in the past. But I'll only be gone two months. I'm still not reorganized after the shock of last March when I came back to a room that wasn't "mine". As I said... slowly.

My energy levels are out of whack. Either very tired or nervous (as in engine running but not in gear).

I whine too much.

Most people think I should be thrilled to be in Paris. I'm not. Yes, I'm looking forward to seeing Alfred if we can get together (schedules can be brutal; it was hard for Anna Lisa in Sweden last June). Yes, I'll make the most of it.

And yes, I'll take thousands of photos with my camera and post some I take with my new tablet or ipod or whatever I purchase by Saturday... I'll have mostly good experiences, a couple great ones, maybe a mishap or two. That's part of traveling as well.

I'll even send postcards, make a few calls. I'll do facebook and blog when I can.

All this preparation? (I even watched a video on Holland last night). All this knowing how it's done (how many times already...)? It's not enough. My nerves are shot.

I've even thought about not going. My depression speaks a lot.

By next Wednesday I hope to be over that.

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