Jaded Warriors book 2 (Jade Series)

Chapter 8

Chapter 8


I shivered as I turned on the faucet and quickly felt relieved when the cold water gradually turned warm. To fill the tub with pans of hot water heated on the stove would have taken too much time and I might have died of hypothermia if I had to wait that long.


Steam rose and clouded the mirror as I let my damp pajamas fall to the floor and slipped into the oversized tub. The hot water pulled the chill from my bones as I soaked and tried to warm myself. I let my eyes close and my mind drifted. Kane and Gage would leave soon and I hoped he didn’t want me to go up to Aunt Bev’s. I didn’t want to go up there though I missed Emery terribly and I wanted Kane to bring her back, but I knew he wouldn’t. I didn’t know if I could stand this big quiet house by myself so I decided I’d walk down to Megan’s later to see if she minded if stayed with her.


The quiet house magnified the gentle gurgle of the water while it emptied in a whirl down the drain. I dressed quickly, the eeriness of the quiet left me uncomfortable. I couldn’t get out the door and down to Megan’s fast enough.


“Jade, I’m so glad to see you!” she said as she hugged me. “I was just getting ready to come over. Are you feeling a little better?”


“Yeah.”


“Casey left with Kane,” she said, with a pouty lip. “They’re going to be gone for about a month. I’m not looking forward to that.”


She looked a little worried and I didn’t blame her.  I would be so scared if I was her. She was already so young to be pregnant anyway.


“He’ll be back before the baby is born,” I said. I didn’t know anything about having babies so I offered what little I could to comfort her which wasn’t much.


“Yeah, he should be, I hope so.”


“Are you scared?”  I asked as we sat at the dining table.


“A little… Do you want some hot cocoa? I found some under the stairs,” Megan asked then continued. “Deanna said she would come and help. So did Marge. Casey said everything will be fine. But he doesn’t know. He’s just saying that to make me feel better.”


“Yeah thanks…” I answered her as she poured a cup. “Is Casey excited to be a dad?”


“I think so. It’s not Casey’s baby,” Megan said. She paused for a moment as she held the kettle in her hand. Steam escaped the spout as she stood there watching for my reaction. “I didn’t meet Casey until after I was pregnant.”


I looked at her surprised as she scooped three heaping scoops of coco in my cup. The spoon tinged at the sides as she stirred, then handed me the mug. “Oh, I didn’t know,” I said as I accepted the hot steaming drink. I sipped slowly, the rich chocolate a rare treat.


“Yeah…”


“Well, it’s his baby now.”


Megan grinned as she absently stirred her own drink. “Yeah, it is,” she said, then with an afterthought, her smile faded as she added. “My aunt arranged my life for me.”


“Megan, I’m sorry.”


“So…I kind of know how you feel… About some things.”


“Thank you,” I said with a weak smile. “For everything you’ve done to help me.”


“You helped me too, more than you know…I’ll have to tell you some day, not now.”


“Okay…” I paused for a moment, unsure of what she meant. But I didn’t want to push her to talk about anything she didn’t want to talk about. I knew how that could be.


“How are you and Gage doing?”


“I don’t know…” I stood and walked to the couch. Megan followed me and I sat to face her. Megan’s eyes searched mine and I turned to the window.  Absently I twisted the sheer curtains in my hand and felt the soft lacy material in between my fingers as I looked out.


“I know you are blaming yourself Jade…”


“How could he want me after what I did, Megan… I can’t stand it, knowing that he knows what happened.”


“Think for a minute, how he feels. Damian took you from him… He feels responsible, like he caused it.”


“I know…! But that’s not how it was! I don’t feel like that at all!”


“I know you don’t blame him. He blames himself... I know you are hurting, and you have every reason to. You just need to realize that he is hurting too… Just because he wasn’t there, doesn’t mean he wasn’t affected by you being gone.”


“It doesn’t change how much it hurts to have him look at me. I just want to hide in a hole,” I paused, as I shifted on the couch with pent up anxiety. “I don’t want to be looked at. I don’t want to be touched. I feel so uncomfortable around Gage now, and I didn’t before… I feel like he can see right through me… like I am standing there naked. Actually, I feel like that around everybody, not just Gage.  Casey, Joel, Elias and Chale, my own brother, they all look at me differently. It’s like I have nothing I’ve been able to keep to myself because everybody knows.”


“I can see how being around men might make you feel like that... But, they just care about you…  And Gage loves you so much! It breaks his heart… I saw him, Jade… He was a wreck ...What Morrison and Damian did to you does not change how he feels… Just talk to him.”


“How do I tell him, Megan? I don’t want to remember any of it! I don’t want to keep reliving it,” I said, as a tear ran down my cheek.


“You will never forget what happened, but you just need to find yourself first.”


“Do you think so?”


“Yeah…” Megan laughed lightly. “Jade…There is so much life out there waiting for you still. You are so strong but you aren’t giving yourself credit. A day will come when you will hear Damian’s name and it will mean nothing to you. You won’t give him a second thought…”


***


The short days of winter forced the sun beneath the horizon before I was ready for night to come. Dark shadows cast across the living room from the dim lit candles. The fire snapped in the fireplace as its heat melted the chill. I nestled closer, in front of the fire wrapped in a blanket on the couch.


The front door opened unexpectedly and Gage walked through just after dark. He didn’t stop to remove his worn work boots as he walked across the hardwood floor and knelt on his knees, close to the fire. White compacted snow formed skeleton blueprints from the soles of his boots and left a trail across the floral rug, fading with each step. By the redness of his cheeks, he’d been outside in the brisk air for a while.


“Hi.”


“Hi… I’m glad you had the fire going. It’s freezing outside,” he said, as he rubbed his hands vigorously together and blew heated breath into his cupped fingers, then held them over the flickering blaze.


“I thought you left with Kane,” I said. My eyes engrossed by the dancing flames of the fire as I sprawled out on the couch and rested my head on a plush pillow.


“I’m not leaving for almost two weeks. But if I was going to leave with Kane, I would have said bye before I left, Jade,” he said, with a passive annoyance in his tone. I looked to see him intently watching me, studying my absent expression in an attempt to read my thoughts, an underlying pain passed through his eyes. 


“I'm sorry,” I said, I didn't mean to offend him.


He sighed as discouragement weighed down his shoulders and he sunk back against the couch and propped himself on an elbow as he stared into the fire. “No, it's me… I guess I'm on edge.”


“What's wrong?”


He sat quiet, fixated on the fire, his mind absent as he left me to struggle with his thoughts. He ran a hand through his hair and looked up at me as he shook his head, his only response. Apparently unwilling to talk about what toiled his mind.


“I went to see Megan today,” I said, changing the subject.


“How is she?”


“I think she is worried Casey won’t be back in time. She’s getting close.”


“Before we leave, I’ll make arrangements for you to send for him if you need to, okay… And I’ll make sure you’ll know where we’ll be, just in case.”


“Okay,” I hesitated, I did feel better about that and I couldn’t help but wonder if it was for my own insecurities of being left alone than actually for Megan.


He sat up and leaned into the side of the couch next to me, his face, inches from mine, his blue eyes miserable with anguish. He inhaled, and then exhaled quickly, expelling his frustrations that weighed heavily on his mind. His shoulders slumped. “Prescott insists you're safe… Damian is in Colorado… they've increased the patrols and there will be one that stays on this street twenty-four seven.  ”


“Is that what's bothering you…”


“Every day,” he said, as my insides bristled at the thought of how deep his concern lied for me.


“What do you think?”


“It doesn't really matter what I think… Prescott wants us back.”


Gage stood. His unease visible before me, as much as he tried to mask it, he couldn't tonight. He walked down the hallway and I lost sight of him in the darkness. I heard the water turn on through the walls and I waited for him to return, unsure if he would. Minutes slipped by through the buzzing silence. My thoughts jumbled.


The water shut off and he didn’t return. After about ten minutes, I crept down the dark hallway wrapped in a blanket to the open door. The kerosene lamp gave a little light to the night fallen room as it filtered through the steam that escaped past the partially open bathroom door.


“What am I doing?” I whispered to myself as I walked through the room and leaned against the doorframe of the bathroom.


Pangs shot through my heart as I saw Gage hunched in front of the sink, one leg bent at the knee, slightly in front of the other. His tense rigid muscles frozen, shoulder blades pressed tightly against his skin. A circle of moisture, wiped from the fogged mirror. His worn, questioning blue eyes stared into it and looked for answers that never came. His body propped by the wide stance of his arms, palms flat against the decorative bathroom counter. With a razor next to his hand, his cheeks looked freshly shaven as his moist skin glistened in the candle light.


“Hi…” I said softly.


A hint of surprise escaped his face then his gaze softened as he looked at me through the mirror and I gave him a weak smile. “Hi,” he said, his voice husky.


“Can I start over?” I asked, my heart skittered anxiously as I waited for his response. The absence of my reclusiveness apparently confused him and he gave me a perplexed look as silence curled around us. “I just wanted to say, I was glad to see you hadn't left yet, when you came inside.”


Relief bubbled in my chest as he gave me a brief crooked smile through the mirror, tenderness and affection surfaced in his eyes.


“Yeah?” He asked, as he turned to face me, the top button of his jeans still undone. His pumped abs and chest still rosy and damp from the hot shower bulged as he stretched a tee shirt over his head but the white cotton failed to hide the shape of his body. I resisted the sudden urge to touch his warm skin and chewed nervously on my bottom lip as he walked over to me.


He stood mere inches away while his eyes pleaded with mine, then a soft smile appeared, masking his true feelings, the anguish, the pain he felt and the grief I saw in his eyes just moments before. The same pain he’d covered up and hidden to protect me, the pain I’d been so selfish to overlook and dismiss as being as painful as mine.


“I met your sister today.”


“Yeah?” Gage said, with a spark of curiosity.


“We made snow angels,” I said, and his weak smile slowly grew to a grin with a raise of his eyebrows.


“You did?”


“Yeah.”


I smiled at the thought of her dark braided hair, her smile, her beautiful blue eyes and dimpled cheeks that reminded me so much of him.


Slightly uncomfortable I turned away from him, unsure what to do once I found myself in his room. Gage must have sensed it. His hand pressed softly into the middle of my back as he led me to the hall and we walked back into the living room by the fire. The flames died down to silvery red-hot coals so he put a few logs on. It didn’t take long before the flames grew and intensified with the popping of the wood. 


“How much does she know?” I asked, as I curled in the blanket on the rug in front of the fire. Gage lowered himself down to the floor in front of the couch next to me, propped casually on one elbow as he stretched out his legs and crossed them at the ankle.


“I don’t know…I try not to tell her much.”


“She makes them for you and Joel, she said the snow angels keep the bad guys away.”


“I’ll have to remember to thank her.”


“For the snow angels?”


“No…”


I looked at him a little puzzled but he didn’t offer any more information. The rest of the night was quiet. I enjoyed the warmth and comfort of the fire as my heavy eyes fought to stay awake.


“I’m going to bed…” I said. Gage stood with me and I walked to my room. I reached the frame of the door and turned back to look at him.  “Good night...”


“I’ll see you in the morning,” he said, as he smiled sweetly, his blue eyes soft and caring with a spark of curiosity.


The darkness of the room hid me as I felt for the dresser and opened the top drawer. I removed my shirt and slipped an old oversized shirt of Gage’s over my head then let my Levi’s fall in a pile on the floor and climbed into bed. I left the door open so the heat from the fire would come into my room.


I watched Gage from my bed as he sat on the couch and stared at the dancing flames as if he searched for something written in them. His head rested back and his eyelashes drifted closed as he slouched down into the soft cushions. I watched him as he eventually fell asleep and I longed for a way to talk to him. 


His breaths steadied and I knew he found sleep. I carefully pushed back the covers and grabbed one of the pillows from my bed. Barefoot, I stepped out onto the cold hardwood floor and tiptoed quietly to him. I placed the pillow on the couch so he could find it if he woke and gently covered him up with a throw blanket.  I remembered once when I woke at the cabin as Gage watched me and I hoped he didn’t wake up just now. I don’t know how many endless nights he spent up making sure I was safe and okay.


My heart yearned to climb up next to him and tell him everything but fear crippled me. I held him in my gaze a minute longer and then put a few logs on the fire. I crawled back under the soft covers of the bed and let my mind drift to Megan and the conversation we had today. 


How did she go from the emptiness she felt to being happy again and capable of moving on and loving Casey. They looked so happy. He was so good to her. They were going to have a baby soon, a baby that wasn’t his. But that didn’t matter and he didn’t care. I had no idea. Until today, I thought Casey was the dad. 


If I wanted to have a life again, I needed to get over it. Not only did Damian suck every ounce of life I had in me, next to being dead, but my brother was dead now, because of him. I wished so badly for Trey to be here it hurt. I needed to talk to him.


I turned to look at Gage again. His head found the pillow as he sprawled out on the couch. He still looked like he was asleep though. I hoped he couldn’t hear me. I wiped the tears but they had already soaked my pillow and continued to fall. I closed my eyes and eventually, quietly I cried myself into a fitful sleep.