Blogocentric Formulations

31 Ways I Blew My Marriage

So my wife turned me onto a blog last night called "Single Dad Laughing," which is written by a single dad (twice divorced) named Dan Pearce. His writing is filled with humor, endearing moments, and experiences that he shares with everyone on the web. The post of his that really resonated, though, was the one called "31 Ways I Blew My Marriage." He started with sixteen things and eventually expanded it by adding another fifteen, but the idea came about when his family was giving marriage advice to his little sister before her wedding, and Dan couldn't think of anything except the reasons his marriage fell apart.

The result was him creating a list of things he did wrong in his two failed relationships, and how he would have handled them differently. The entire list is filled with wise observations, wonderful humor, and excellent advice, but I think my three favorites would have to be:


12. DON'T STOP HAVING FUN TOGETHER.

Age shouldn't matter. Physical ability shouldn't matter. Couples should never stop having fun with each other, and I really wish I wouldn't have gotten into so many ruts in which we didn't really go out and do anything. And, I've been around the block enough times to know that when the fun is missing, and the social part of life is missing, so also goes missing the ability to be fully content with each other.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I'd make a rule with her that we'd never stay home two weekends in a row.

BONUS! awesome stories and awesome memories come from doing awesome things. And so do cherished embarrassing moments.

23. DON'T STOP TAKING HER ON NICE DATES.

When I was dating her, I'd have no problem paying a little more for nice dates. Twenty extra bucks for the ambiance of a nicer restaurant was no biggie when I wanted to charm her and make her feel worth it. I'd pay for nicer seats at the show. I'd get better seats at the basketball game. So why is it that after marriage, she was no longer worth it? Why was spending the money a waste instead of a valuable way to keep her feeling special Why did I stop going to shows and basketball games and everything else?

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I'd think she was special enough to spend a little extra cash on once in a while. I'd look at every extra dollar spent as an investment into our relationship. I'd keep apprised of her favorite bands and her favorite performing art shows and I'd surprise her with tickets before she even knew they were coming.

BONUS! nice dates lead to nice pictures on her phone which lead to everyone on her Instagram and Facebook thinking you're the damned coolest hubby on the planet.

28. MOVE AWAY FROM HER FAMILY. AND YOURS.

When we were first married, we would see my family all the time and her family almost as often. We spent almost every Sunday at my family's house, and a lot of weeknights and weekends at hers. We spent nearly every holiday with our families. And every special occasion, too. And while family is usually great, it really kept us from developing our own working family dynamic, our own traditions, and our own strengthened way of living and doing things. It drug us into unnecessary drama. And most of all, it kept us from learning to lean on each other during our rough patches instead of on our parents or siblings.

IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER: I would move far away from both families for a year or two. I wouldn't come back until we'd been through at least a few big marital challenges on our own without the involvement of any family at all. That way, when we did come back, we'd be strong on our own and our families would be great supplements to our marriage instead of major players.

BONUS! when you make your own traditions, you can finally add things in that your parents weren't cool with. "And after we open our Christmas pajamas... everyone has to eat a pound of chocolate. And then they have to stand on their heads while screaming. And then they have to jump on their beds." Stuff like that.

The entire list can be found on his blog here:

http://www.danoah.com/wp-content/uploads/31-Ways-I-Blew-My-Marriage.pdf

What really struck me about the things he mentioned on his list were how many of them were really simple things that, for whatever reason, a lot of married couples stop (or start) doing after a while. I fully admit that I'm guilty of several of these things myself, and when you combine a few (or a lot of them) into one relationship, I think it's suddenly not all that surprising how many relationships fail. Even if you promise yourselves to one another "until death do you part," it can be difficult for a relationship to endure when someone stops trying to look good for their partner AND labels their partner with negative labels AND skips out on the things that are important to their partner AND emotionally distances themselves after a fight AND...

Everything on this list is, in the grand scheme of things, a relatively minor issue. He's not saying that he should stop beating his wife, or stop having an affair on the side, or start taking extravagant vacations that they can't afford. He's pointing out a lot of little things that, through routine or by some other means, find their way into our relationships and can cause a lot of harm. And I think that's the mistake that a lot of us make in relationships; thinking that those little things don't really matter all that much. Thinking that as long as you're basically a good person, working so many hours that you're never in the mood, or spending every weekend in front of the television, or pooping with the door open (yes, that's on the list) is something that you shouldn't have to worry about.

What I love about this article is that it really made me realize several ways that I'm not being the best husband I can be. I've fallen into the trap of getting so comfortable in my relationship that I've stopped or started doing a lot of these things... and then convincing myself that I'm basically a good guy, so why is my wife so upset about [whatever it is she's upset about]?"

For anyone who's interested in reading through his list... is there anything in there that you see in your own relationship?