The Every Couple of Days Blog

I Am SO Angry

I tell her it's my business--to keep her mouth shut about my bipolar disorder diagnosis. It's mine. It's not my mother's. She won't shut up about it. Any new person in my life gets a new life story of mine, suited for effect.

I told her it's my life, it's my diagnosis, it's my decision who knows.

We're getting involved with a new bank, and she gone and told my personal banker about my "problem". I haven't even met the woman.

And it so happens that this woman's daughter is bipolar, has had three children out of wedlock, and the woman is raising her 4 and 6 year old granddaughters. You don't think she's going to have a jaded opinion of me BECAUSE of her experience.

Mother intimates, "No, no, no, she understands."

How could this business woman understand my personal life of 57 years, based on her experiences? How can she not be against me. How do I defend myself with already a mental disability slash against me? I don't know how. Life isn't supposed to be about social stigma when you deal with people who aren't your friends.

Why is my mother bent on destroying my privacy and my sanity? She's wrong, wrong,wrong, and I am hurt, hurt, hurt. And what repercussions do I have? How can I protect myself from social stigma if my mother doesn't understand that my life secrets are mine?

There's nothing I can do but cry. I hung up on my mother in mid-sentence. That didn't affect her as much as a slight paper cut. She won't understand my feelings, and she won't shut up.

"Well, everyone knows."

I don't know who everone is. I don't want to know. I want to crawl in a hole and pull the top in with me. I want to hurt my mother the way she hurt me, but I won't. She's 90, and it does no good to pour my heart out to her because she has no working ears any longer. Me doesn't matter to her, and she doesn't care about my personal needs in life. It's all about her taking care of me, and it's God's job, not her's. I don't even date anymore--becuse she won't let go. She thinks I'm four years old.

And all I can do right now is sniff and cry. There's no way to make this go away. She forces me to look these people right in the eye from day one. It's not fair, and it's not right. There's nothing I can do to change anything, just deal with my mother's disrespectful consequences again. and again, and again.