Dudley Dursley and the Sorcerer's Stone

Chapter 3 - Hagrid's Big Fat Mistake

Chapter 3 - Hagrid's Big Fat Mistake

    The caveman was attempting to break down the door, which was by no means a very strong door. A huge foot, the size of a young bear, came clean through the bottom of it as a huge fist smashed through the top. Then the caveman stopped attacking the door and disappeared for a second. Aunt Petunia and Harry, who had been hiding behind a couch (Uncle Vernon had gone to the back of the shack...), slowly looked over it and at the door. Nothing was there; the caveman seemed to have gone. Aunt Petunia crept slowly to the door, but right as she approached it, the caveman stuck his enormous face through the hole his fist had made. His entire face was covered with a huge shaggy lion's mane of hair and beard, and his eyes were black and narrowed at Aunt Petunia. He opened his mouth slightly and bared his horrible teeth and growled. Aunt Petunia shrieked and ran away to the back.
    "Vernon! Vernon! It's here!"
    The caveman ripped the door clean off its hinges and threw it behind him into the distant sea. Harry screamed and followed his aunt into the back. Dudley was curled into a ball and tried to appear as small as possible (yeah right), but he still poked his eyes through his outspread hands to get a look at the caveman entering the shack.
    The man standing in the doorway with a colossal rock in his hands looked less like a caveman and more like an overgrown fisherman, now that Dudley got a better look at him. Although he was nearly as wide as Dudley and four times as tall, he was wearing a giant coat that was almost too big for him. Dudley thought it could have covered Uncle Vernon's entire pick-up. It was a green raincoat with hundreds of pockets that were oddly lumpy in places. The man saw Dudley and smiled, his black eyes suddenly warm and his yellow, pointed teeth glinting. But this only made him look more frightening. Dudley screamed, but the giant chuckled and sat down on the couch.
    "So, yeh mus' be Harry!" he exclaimed, lifting up the rock, which had the words A GIF FOR THE GRATE HARRY POTTER chiseled into it.
    Harry and Aunt Petunia poked their heads out of the backroom just barely and squeaked "that's him!"
    But the giant turned around and looked behind the couch and, just before he went back into hiding, saw Harry's lightning bolt scar etched on his forehead.
    "Harry! It's you! 'Ere, take this cake I made fer yeh!" and he chunked his rock into the backroom. Uncle Vernon's voice could be heard yelling in surprise, and suddenly the sound of gunfire was heard. Uncle Vernon stepped out into the main room with a heavily upgraded M16 assault rifle pointed straight at the giant, though he was moving it around a lot, both because of his shaking limbs and because his target was so gargantuan.
    "I'm w-warning you!" he screamed, shaking horribly. "One more b-bloody rock and I'll... I'll shoot ya! Stay back!"
    The giant laughed. "Aye, Dursley, it's on'y a cake I made for yeh lot!"
    But he took a step towards Uncle Vernon with his frightening smile, and Uncle Vernon yelped. Taking aim at one of the lumpiest front pockets in the giant's coat, he fired several rounds of bullets. The thing in the pocket gave a loud bark, and by the next second, the giant had Uncle Vernon by the feet, suspended ten feet in the air upside-down.
    "NOT FANG, YEH MONSTER!" the giant roared and he threw Uncle Vernon at the wall, which crumbled, revealing the crates in the backroom. They contained many smaller boxes of ammunition and thousands of gun parts. One box was labeled Panzerschrek. Uncle Vernon mumbled something indistinct and sank to the floor.
    The giant's coat pocket gave another bark, and a fully-grown bloodhound climbed out, uninjured. The giant looked at Uncle Vernon and gave him the finger, but when the bloodhound started wagging his tail and licking the giant's shoes, he gave another chuckle and sat back down in a rather water-damaged armchair. He looked kindly at Harry.
    "Shouldn'ta lost me temper. Fang's survived worse. But he'll be alrigh', the grea' prune," he said. "Don't think I've introduced meself yet. Name's Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper o' Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts... and I make some good cakes too! Try some!"
    He pointed at the rock which lie in the backroom. Dudley thought he might've eaten anything right now, but then he thought he saw something trying to climb out of the rock... But Harry stood, mouth agape, and stared at the giant. Either he was still mortally afraid of the giant still, or he hadn't understood what he'd said; the giant's speech was poor, barely intelligible and consisting of many grunts and mispronounced vowels. 
    "Please don't eat me!" he cried. Aunt Petunia ran over to him and shielded him from Hagrid the giant.
    "That fat kid over there is Harry!" she said and pointed to Dudley. "Eat him instead!"
    "But what abou' yer scar?" Hagrid inquired to Harry. He looked at Dudley. "That can' be Harry!"
    "I don't want to go to Hogwarts anymore!" said Harry, scared.
    "Blimey, Harry!" said Hagrid. "Don't yeh wan' to know where yer parents learned it all?"
    But suddenly Hagrid, in his vastness, began to resemble Dudley in Harry's eyes, and Harry regained his superior demeanor. "It doesn't look like wizards are all that smart."
    "But yer parents, Harry!"
    "Who cares about them?"
    Hagrid became irritated. "Look 'ere, Harry! Dumbledore told me ta get yeh to Hogwarts no matter wha'! And if i have to tie yer arms and legs up and carry yeh there, I will!"
    "I bet you don't even know how to tie a knot!" laughed Harry.
    Hagrid's cheeks turned a faint red, and he growled. "Dumbledore's orders, Harry!"
    "Screw Dunderbore or whatever his name is then!"
    But he had finally gone too far. Hagrid reached deep inside one of his coat pockets and pulled out a polka-dotted umbrella, which he pointed at Harry. Harry stopped laughing immediately and stood wide-eyed against the wall. The umbrella started to glow.
    "Never!" Hagrid growled. "NEVER EVER INSULT ALBUS DUMBLEDORE INFRON' O' ME!"
    His umbrella shot a violet streak of light which hit Harry. Harry gave a yell that turned quickly into a squeal as he started to shrink down. He screamed as he waved his hands in front of himself, which were turning into hooves. His stomach started to expand and his skin turned pink and started to wrinkle. His nose grew longer and formed a snout and his butt began to form a curly little tail. His whole body flashed and suddenly a great pig was sitting right where Harry Potter had been before. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia screamed and ran over to Harry, but Hagrid roared and turned them into pigs too.
    Hagrid turned towards Dudley, still curled up on the couch and looking fearfully up at Hagrid, who pointed his umbrella at him and shot a final flash of light. Dudley shut his eyes and waited to transform. But nothing happened. He waited a few seconds, and then opened his eyes, but Hagrid looked just as confused.
    "Hmmm... that's strange," said Hagrid, but he turned away from Dudley. He collpased back on the couch and took some sausages out of his pockets. Dudley looked longingly at them. Hagrid grabbed hold of his umbrella again, and Dudley gasped and backed away, but Hagrid instead pointed it at the fireplace and shot another beam of light, orange this time, and a warm fire burst forth. He put the sausages on a pan and began to cook them.
    "Ummmm, Mister Hagrid?" said Dudley quietly. He feared Hagrid might hurt him if he spoke too loudly. Hagrid, however, merely grunted. So Dudley continued "C-could I have a sausage?"
    "Yeh don' look like yeh need more feedin'," said Hagrid, but he handed Dudley a sausage. "Not sure if these are sausages or wha' though."
    He gave another of his smiles, but he wasn't attacking, so Dudley sat next to him.
    "Who are you?"
    Hagrid's smile vanished and he pounded a weathered coffee table with his fist, which crumbled. "I told yeh! I'm Hagrid! Keeper o' Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts!"
    "Okay, sorry! Sorry!" said Dudley quickly. "So what's Hogwarts?"
    "Well I'm not s'posed to let Muggles know 'bout it," answered Hagrid, calm once more.
    "Muggle? What's that?"
    "Er, it's wha' we wizards call yeh non-magical-type folks," said Hagrid as he forked down a hefty bite of sausage. "But anyway, Hogwarts is a school o' magic."
    "Can I go?!" asked Dudley excitedly.
    "Well, I'm s'posed to brin' Harry, an' yer a muggle an' all," said Hagrid.
    Dudley sat and looked at the ground, disappointed. Hagrid looked at him for a minute.
    "Tell yeh wha', I'll take yeh to Hogwarts. Yeh an' me, we're alike in some ways." Hagrid conceded. And it was true, as the couch had sunk down half a foot under their combined weight.
    Dudley's face lit up. "Really! Oh, thank you, Mr. Hagrid!"
    "No problem! An' yeh can jus' call me Hagrid. Everyone does." Hagrid stood up and stuffed Fang back into his pocket. "I s'pose I should fix yer bratty cousin."
    He gathered the three pigs together and took aim with his umbrella, which began to glow again. He uttered an incantation, and the Dursleys began to transform back to human form. After a few seconds, there they lay with normal feet, legs, arms, and bodies, except...
    "Hagrid, they still have pig snouts!" said Dudley, concerned. Fortunately they were unconscious at the moment. Hagrid aimed his umbrella again, but he only succeeded in making their snouts bigger.
    "Er, well, they look normal to me," said Hagrid, but his tone was unconvincing, especially now that the snouts were several inches long. "We'll jus' leave 'em here."
    Hagrid walked over to the doorway and turned to Dudley. "Yeh got all yer stuff?"
    "My dad threw all my stuff into the ocean..." reflected Dudley.
    Hagrid patted him on the back, which knocked Dudley over. Then they went outside into the rain and Hagrid covered them with this umbrella, though as both of them were considerably wide, the umbrella didn't help much. They traveled down to the edge of the rock where Uncle Vernon's boat was.
    "How did you get here without a boat?" Dudley asked.
    "Oh, I rode one of me dragons," answered Hagrid, "but do yeh mind not mentionin' tha' to no one though? Strictly speakin', dragons aren't allowed in England."
    Dudley swore he wouldn't tell anyone. "How many dragons do you have?" he asked, fascinated.
    "On'y eight or nine," answered Hagrid with a smile. "It's a dumb law if yeh ask me."
    Dudley laughed, though he wasn't sure if Hagrid was serious or not.
    Just as they got into the boat though, Dudley thought of something.
    "Hagrid, if we take the boat, how will they get back?"
    "They can swim, I guess," chuckled Hagrid. "Nah, we'll magic it back 'ere once we're done with it."
    But as it turns out, the boat wasn't built to sustain such incredible amounts of weight. It miraculously survived the trip to the dock, but when Hagrid tried to make it go back to the rock, it sank. Regardless, Hagrid and Dudley left the dock and found an inn to stay the rest of the night.

    Dudley woke up late the next morning when something landed on his face under his nose. It smelled very bad and strongly and when he sat up it slid down and landed in his mouth. Dudley gagged and opened his eyes and saw an owl sitting on the ceiling fan directly above him. A second later he realized what had happened.
    "Ugh!" He looked around for a towel or something to wipe his mouth off with. All he saw was Fang's tail sticking out of one of Hagrid's many coat pockets, but it would have to do.
    After he'd wiped his mouth, he noticed a parcel that the owl had evidently just delivered, for it was marked Owl Postal Service. It appeared to be a newspaper of some sort, only Dudley had never seen a a newspaper like this. It resembled Harry's letter of acceptance to Hogwarts in that it was emitting small sparks occasionally. The front page had a great big picture of a man waving his wand and sporting a green bowler hat. The man looked very ordinary, but the picture cauht Dudley's attention because it was moving. The man in the picture was spinning his hat with one hand and waving his wand with the other and repeating. Dudley looked at the headline "MINISTER FUDGE SEEKING TO CHALLENGE DUMBLEDORE'S MAGNIFICIENT BEARD" and started to read the article below the picture. It read:

          Late last Wednesday, Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge declared that he
    would be challenging Dumbledore at the ninth annual Magical Beard Awards, which
    will be held two weeks from this Sunday.
          The magical community is excited to see the outcome of the Beard Awards,
    but many expressed their disbelief that Fudge would be able to compete.
          "Fudge is one hell of a minister," says Auror John Dawlish, 51, "but can he
    even grow facial hair?"
          Indeed, many members of the magical community have stated that they cannot
    recall Fudge ever sporting a moustache, beard, or even the smallest of goatees.
    When Fudge was questioned about whether he was able to grow facial hair, he
    admitted he couldn't.
          "I don't really know why I can't grow any facial hair," he says. "I never have
    developed the slightest whisker or fuzz on my lip. I used to shave my face anyway
    and hope it would make something grow. I tried really hard, but no, nothing ever
    happened.  My uncle used to say it had to with my lack of masculinity (see, I was
    into a lot of activities such as ballet and tap-dancing), but my parents told me I had
    nothing to be ashamed of." Fudge cries into his handkerchief at this point in the
    interview. "I suppose I get my strength from them. I know they'll be looking after me
    as I step on-stage to face Dumbledore.
          "I'm doing everything I can to make a beard sprout. Nothing's worked yet, but
    we still have a whole list of unwisely advised potions and charms we haven't tried."
    A tear trickled down Fudge's cheek.
          Our Daily Prophet reporter backed off from this sensitive subject temporarily
    and inquired about Fudge's childhood activities.
          "Oh, yes, I was an absolutely fabulous dancer!" says Fudge gleefully. He then
    rolls up his pants and props his leg up on the table, skinny and hairless.
   
    See Dumbledore's response, page 12

    Dudley finished reading the page in awe. His first look at the magical world had been even more fascinating than he'd imagined! He couldn't wait to see more, but at that moment, the owl atop the ceiling fan flew down and grabbed the newspaper (which Dudley realized was titled The Daily Prophet). It fluttered onto a desk a few feet away, but when Dudley tried to grab the paper, the owl shrieked and pecked violently at Dudley's fat hand.
    "Ouch!" he said loudly. Suddenly Hagrid, lying on a nearby bed, grunted irritably.
    "It wants payment," Hagrid mumbled into his pillow. "Fer deliverin' the mail."
    "What do I pay him with?" Dudley asked while he caressed his hand.
    "Reach into me bottom righ' pocket in me coat. Pay him five Knuts."
    "Knuts?"
    Hagrid growled and chunked a pillow at Dudley's face. "The bronze ones!"
    Dudley did as he was told. There weren't many coins in Hagrid's pocket, but he scrounged together five of the little bronze knuts and payed the owl, which flew out the window before it was attacked by an eagle and felled.
    Hagrid sat up after a minute. "Tha's it. Wizard money's a bit differen' from Muggle money. Yeh got twenty-three-an'-a-quarter knuts to a sickle and six-hundred-an'-forty-two-an'-a-half sickles to a galleon. Easy enough ta remember!"
    The owl had brought some magazines in addition to the newspaper - Dudley glanced at titles like Monsters Weekly, Magical Living Monthly, Wizard Supremacist Weekly, and Wicked Wicked Witches, though Hagrid hastily hid away this last one before Dudley could get a good look at it.
    "We'd bes' be headin' outta here," said Hagrid. "Got ter buy yer school stuff an' all, an' I got a couple things ter pick up meself."
    Dudley stood up, excited, but then he glanced at the coins that he'd handled to pay the owl with and thought of something. "Hagrid, I don't have any money to buy books with."
    "Tha's alrigh', I borrowed some from yer parents las' night," answered Hagrid with a chuckle, fumbling a few of Uncle Vernon's hundred pound notes. "An' yer cousin probably has some money in his family vault. In Gringotts, yeh know."
    "What do you mean? What's Gringotts?"
    "Well his parents died, yeh know, an' they left behind a lot o' gold fer him," explained Hagrid. "An' Gringotts is a bank. Wizards' bank, under London."
    Dudley thought for a second. "Hagrid, how did Harry's parents die? My Uncle James and Aunt Lily."
    "Aye, Dudley, it's a lon' story," answered Hagrid as he put on his coat and stood up, hitting his head against the ceiling.  "There's a lot yeh should know before we get yeh to Hogwarts, but I don't know how ter explain properly."
    They stepped out the door and left the inn before Hagrid continued. "I s'pose it all starts with this one wizard who was real powerful 'bout ten years ago. Can' tell yeh his name, but he was everyone's wors' fear back then. Horrible things happened when he was aroun'."
    "Why can't you say his name?"
    "Blimey, Dudley, people are scared! His name's a curse almos'!" exclaimed Hagrid. "Well tha', an' 'cause no one would say his name fer so long, we all forgot what it was.... migh've been Travis or Tim or somethin'."
    "What'd this guy do?" asked Dudley as he stared hungrily at a McDonald's billboard.
    "Well, the story is that he was in yer cousin's neighborhood on Halloween when somethin' set him off. I dunno why, but he tried ter kill 'em, an' he did James an' Lily. But somethin' stopped him from killin' yer cousin. He got off with nothin' but tha' scar on his forehead tha' we all know an' love."
    Dudley realized something. "Hagrid, how come you know about my cousin? Is he famous?"
    "Famous? Yer cousin's more famous than the grea' Gilderoy Lockhart, an' tha' Gilderoy's done amazin' things!"
    Dudley smiled. "Maybe I'll be famous too!"
    Hagrid chuckled. "Nah, no one'll know who yeh are, Dudley. See, no one wants to think yer cousin is related ter muggles, so Dumbledore's put out the story tha' Harry lives in a rich, magical family." His smile sunk however. "But they are expecting him to be at Hogwarts this year..."
    They walked down the sidewalk for a couple blocks until they reached the train station. After they purchased two tickets to London, Hagrid had become mysteriously sullen, but Dudley still had a lot more questions (one of them was when they would eat obviously).
    "What else did you say I should know, Hagrid?"
    Hagrid looked at Dudley, the smallest trace of concern in his eye. "Loads, Dudley. I dunno where I should star'... One thin' though, wizards have a lot of pride in bein' wizards. Yer a muggle an' we can' do nothin' 'bout tha', but we should atleas' try an' get yeh some convincin' wizard robes an' stuff."
    "Where do we get my stuff?"
    "Ain' no place better than Diagon Alley. It's in London, on'y it's hidden from muggles."
    "Why do wizards want to be secret? So we don't ask for magical help and stuff?"
    "Nah, it's 'cause yeh muggles are filthy an' smell bad an' all."
    "No we don't!"
    "Yeah, yeh do. Like animals. Yer not too brigh' either, accordin' to all the wizard studies on y'all."
    "What studies?"
    "Oh, there's loads! Lemme think... yeah, like we've placed wizards disguised as politicians an' stuff, an' they always get yer votes, even when they don' do nothin' useful or original."
    They waited a few minutes in silence until their train arrived. The silence continued all the way to London, but eventually Dudley's curiousity had been renewed.
    "So how much can we buy with my dad's money?" Dudley asked.
    "Ah, it's useless fer tryin' to buy anythin' in the wizardin' world," answered Hagrid with another of his chuckles. "But we can maybe exchange fer somethin' at Gringotts. I think they burn it ter fuel their wierd goblin contraptions."
    "Goblins? There are goblins?"
    "Unfortunately," said Hagrid. "They run the bank. Nasty li'l creatures, goblins.
    "But anyway," Hagrid continued, "we'll get yer money from there. I have the key to yer cousin's family vault. Yeah, the Potters might've saved it fer Harry, but I'm sure they woulda spared yeh some gold too...." He looked unsure, but he laughed. "At any rate, they're dead."