A cracking life

Fear of pain

I really screwed up with bloke number 5,382, 567,894,967,328. He is a cinematographer. We had a great time together, I was mad about him, he was mad about me. He dropped me off at work on Tuesday. Later I sent him a text saying I had a great time with him and would love to cuddle him but had to go home after work. He wrote back 'come here, take your cuddle and then go home x'. I said it was tempting but I would have to go home and would see him tomorrow. Much later I wrote him another very ambiguous and not very friendly text, accusatory and childish. He rang me straight away but i couldn't answer the fone. Then I was really ashamed. I rang back but I didn't know what to say. He wrote me a text telling me that he didn't want to have anything else to do with me. It was only after that that I remembered he has driven all over London for me, told me that he liked me so much, wanted to see me again that night, bought me drinks, cared about me, he'd been writing me lots of nice emails. I told my friend what had happened. We just had a few days of bliss...She put her head in her hands and asked why I keep doing this. I said I can't take the fear of liking someone so much and then getting dumped; I am a saboteur. I don't do it deliberately at the time but I am Mrs Terrified of Terrified Street and then when the deed is done I look at it like someone else did it and the madness of it. Only one good thing came of it, I decided to contact a counseller and get this horrible part of me dealt with once and for all. I don't want to be on my own, but more importantly I don't wanna cause pain to someone else I care about and who cares about me because of ghosts. I had a chance with a lovely person and I screwed it up the wall.