Work in Progress

Balancing Act

I'm a Libra. I don't like feeling off-balance. I like symmetry, harmony and equilibrium.

Lunges make me feel off-balance. When I was doing them the other day I felt wobbly and uncomfortable. My ankles felt like they wouldn't keep me upright and, consequently, my lunges looked and felt very awkward. April reminded me to use my abdominals and to focus on the muscles that I was working rather than on my unsteady ankles. By breathing into it and using my core and by visualizing the muscles that I wanted to work I began to feel more control and more balance.

I'm learning just how important core strength is. It's like the steel beams inside of a skyscraper. A strong core is the framework for a strong body and helps to support and power all of the other muscle groups. Every single exercise I do - arms, legs, chest, back, even cardio - use the core muscles and when I remember that my form is more effective and my workout feels amazing.

That's true of life in general. When my life is in balance I am creating that strong framework that makes everything work together. I need to have good balance between my relationships, work, play, spiritual life, and physical life. When any one piece is out of whack, everything else starts to fall to pieces.

Exactly a year ago today my Mom had a heart attack. It sent me into a tailspin - she is the heart and soul of my family and the fear and pain of almost losing her was devastating. Thankfully, she is doing great. It's taken me a little longer to recover and it did provide a huge wakeup call for me. My Mom is in good shape - she eats right, walks almost every day (at six am!) and is at a healthy weight. The fact that I was none of those things at the time got me back to the gym and into some yoga classes that lasted through the fall.

Sadly, it didn't last. First, my gym closed it's doors. I found another one right away but I couldn't seem to get into a routine that worked well. When December came, all Hell broke loose. First there were interruptions due to some family obligations - it was holiday choral and band concert time and I always support my nieces in their efforts. I knew it was only going to get worse. My entire family had plans to go to Disney World for Christmas. It's a challenging time of year to travel and there were a lot of extra logistics involved in celebrating the holiday away from home. I was feeling stressed, but instead of working that energy off at the gym, I let it eat me up.

And then things got a whole lot worse. A week before we were supposed to leave, my Mom fell at work and hit her nose on the corner of a filing cabinet. She ended up with a bloody nose that wouldn't stop because of the blood thinners that she was on. There were three trips to the emergency room and, two days before we were supposed to leave, she ended up in the hospital. On top of that, one of my beloved cats just didn't look right. I took him to the vet who diagnosed a thyroid problem, but the thyroid medication made an underlying kidney problem worse. The night before we were supposed to leave I rushed him back to the vet and had to make the heartbreaking decision to let him go. It was, without doubt, one of the worst weeks of my life, but everyone did make it to Florida and we had an amazing Christmas.

I intended to get back to the gym and yoga as soon as I got back but I had a million excuses - it's too cold, it might snow, I'm too tired. So I didn't go. And everything else started to fall apart. I struggled with writer's block. I felt irritible. I had little energy. I started to feel stuck again. The practices that kept me strong and balanced were out of sync and I knew that it was time to do something. Something big.

My life is more balanced again. I eat right and exercise six days a week. I meditate every morning. I feel happier and more energetic so my relationships are healthier too. And, thankfully, my creativity has returned. I have a lot of ideas running around my head right now and I am ready to take a big step with one of my completed stories.

Finding balance is helping me to focus on what I want my life to be like. Just like I can visualize the muscles that I am using in order to work them properly, I am beginning to envision what my life will look like. I believe that I can achieve what I want to achieve. And I believe that I deserve it. That's a huge change for me.

I had another intense and amazing workout this morning. I love how I feel when I'm done - exhausted and exhilerated at the same time. It feels good knowing that I'm doing something that makes me feel so powerful. I know that what I'm doing is not going to be quick or easy. I don't really want to be. It's a journey. One that's becoming more and more challenging and intriguing as it progresses. I'm not a huge Hannah Montana fan, but I heard The Climb last night and I was struck by some of the words.

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

I've been rock-climbing, outside on a real cliff. (Not a big one, but still...) Every single placement of foot or hand had an impact on my progress up the cliff. There were little victories and occasional stumbles. But I made it to the top. And even though it's been years, I can still remember how that climb felt, from start to finish. Fear, panic, excitement, energy, exhileration. Every move brought a different feeling. Every move, good and bad, moved me closer to that final step onto the top of the cliff.

So even if I don't love lunges or upright rows, or if I shake from head to toe when I try to hold plank for two minutes, I know that they are helping me to move in the right direction. I may not love them, but I do appreciate them. I definitely enjoy the challenge of them. I know that little by little, they are getting easier and less painful. I'm learning how to focus and push through. I feel a little better about them every time I do them.

In time, they'll just be steps along the pathway. They'll be easier and April will help me to find a new challenge. I can't wait.