Work in Progress

The First Steps

A little over two weeks ago I made the decision to work with a personal trainer in order to attain my goal of becoming fit and healthy. This was not an easy decision. Financially, it is a stretch for me but I know that it is an investment in myself that I need to make. I have been battling this my entire adult life. When I look at pictures of myself as a child, I see a healthy normal weight, but I was always called the 'chubby one' in comparison with my cousin, who was the same age and super skinny. Constantly hearing that I was chubby and being put in oversized 'chubby' sizes (what a cruel label) by my Mom, I began to believe it, to see myself that way, to hate the way I looked. I probably attempted my first 'diet' at twelve or thirteen and have been on that roller coaster ever since. College brought the freshman ten (plus). When I quit after two years, I gained weight at an alarming rate; by my mid-twenties I was beyond chubby. I was fat. Obese. No one likes the word, but my BMI was over 30 which is clinically obese. I was unhappy and I truly hated what I had allowed myself to become. I joined a gym run by a female bodybuilder. She gave me a diet and exercise plan and over the course of about ten months I lost seventy-five pounds and was, for the first time as an adult at a healthy weight (actually I was a little underweight). I was determined to keep it up, but when I decided to return to college and removed myself from the safety of my gym and my mentor I began to gain weight, more gradually this time, but I was overweight again within about five years and obese in a another few. I tried taking the easy way out - FenPhen - and lost a ton of weight but I felt horrible. I was at a 'healthy' weight but I was definitely not healthy. And once the dangers of FenPhen were revealed I quit taking it and gained everything back and then some, as if I was punishing myself for what I had done. I made a few attempts at diet and exercise in the years since, but haven't been able to lose more than twenty pounds before giving up.

Two years ago, I found myself in an unhappy and sad place. I was felt miserable and trapped in my job and had become the family doormat. I was watching everyone else live their lives but I was just trudging along, not going anywere, feeling kind of numb. I had recently heard and read a lot about life coaches so I decided to check into it. I found a coach in my area and began working with her. I've discovered a lot about who I am and what I want my life to look like. I've soul-searched and meditated and learned to love myself. And as I've gained self-love, I've gained confidence. The confidence to take another leap of faith.

I've thought about working with a personal trainer for a few years now and I've even looked into it before. But I felt like I didn't quite deserve it, that I wasn't worth the investment. I now believe that I am worth it. It may be a bit of a stretch, but I am single, I have no children to support and I my expenses aren't huge.

So I made the commitment. Two weeks at first. Four sessions with my trainer, April, just to see if it was right for me. April did a fitness assessment first and determined that my cardiovascular health was not good. She told me that I would be doing lots of cardio on the arc trainer - three to five times a week. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, especially when she joked that I'd be running a marathon someday. I like working out with weights; I feel strong and powerful. Cardio made me feel out of breath, uncomfortable and on the verge of puking. The very thought of doing thirty minutes of cardio at least three times a week sounded dreadful. But I believe that April knows what she is doing so I started doing it, only ten minutes the first night, working towards my goal of thirty minutes on level two. Not only did I achieve that goal in just a week, I now love my half hour on the arc trainer. I plug in my iPod, crank up some high energy tunes and sweat my way through. When I am done, I feel tired but energized. I am now up to level four and April tells me that I glow when I come off the machine. (But that may just be the mist of sweaty making me look all dewy and glowy.)

The other part of my routine are my workouts with April twice a week. She challenges me in ways that I would never have challenged myself. It's an intense, difficult hour but I feel absolutely amazing when I am done. Yes, I am often sore the next day but that actually helps keep me moving. I have to get up from my desk to stretch and walk around. And it absolutely makes sure that I get my cardio in the next day, since that seems to be the best 'cure' for my sore muscles.

I changed my diet when I started this program. I now eat very little processed food. Almost everything is fresh - fruits and vegetables, chicken and fish - and as much as I can afford is organic. I eat lots of lean protein and healthy fats like olive oil. I eat very little sugar, which was the hardest thing for me to give up since I definitely have a sweet tooth. I eat three meals and two snacks a day and I've completely cut out snacking in the evening. At times, I have trouble eating enough calories since nutrient-dense food have so much 'bang for the buck'. The food tastes delicious and my food preferences are shifting away from my old junk food patterns. But it's not easy. There's a lot more preparation involved in making a salad to take to work than grabbing a meal-in-a-box from the freezer (loaded with sodium, even some of the healthy ones) or making a noontime run to the McDonald's drive through. I don't deprive myself completely (I allow myself one dessert a week) and I am rarely ever hungry. My breakfasts are more substantial, so I don't gravitate toward the vending machine for snacks. Instead I choose fresh fruit, yogurt or some Kashi crackers with organic peanut butter. And I drink tons of water.

Has it been worth it? Absolutely. After only two weeks I feel amazing, better than I have in a long time. I have more energy. I fall asleep earlier and more easily than I can ever remember and wake up at six am, every morning, fifteen minutes before my alarm, which gives me an easy leisurely morning and allows me to spend twenty to thirty minutes meditating. I have lost about six pounds and, at last measurement, an inch off of my waist. In two weeks! I've set small goals and worked to achieve them. Each one is a victory and gives me a feeling of accomplishment and joy. My clothes are starting to feel loose. My self-confidence is soaring. I feel sure that I can uncover that healthy, fit body that's deep inside this fat one.

It's less about the number on the scale this time. It's about being as healthy as I can for as long as I can. It's about loving myself and challenging myself. When I'm on the arc trainer, there is a point where I feel exhausted, like I can't go on; but I tell mysef that I can move through it, past it and glide through until the timer hits zero. I simply have to choose to keep going - one more minute, one more rep, I am ready to make these lifetime habits. And maybe, just maybe, someday I will be ready to run that marathon!