Never Really Alone

Chapter Four

The only thing I really remember after all these years about that first electroshock treatment is that I woke up in a wet bed.  I didn't ever remember wetting the bed, even if I was sick, I'd never ever even had an accident.  Nurse Allemon came and changed the bedding and then brought me a fresh gown and underpants. 

Then she smiled brightly at me and asked "Are you hungry, Sarah Jane?"

I couldn't look at her, I felt so embarrassed about the bed.  I just mumbled, "Uh-huh."

"Good," she said, and off she went.  In no time she returned with a bowl of soup, a thick slice of bread and a glass of milk.  I hadn't realized how hungry I was until I put the first spoonful in my mouth and before I knew it, I had gobbled up everything on the tray.  Nurse Allemon watched while I ate and then took the tray and left the room.

After she left I looked around for Miranda Jean and finally found her sitting across the room, near the door, just waiting to be noticed.  "Miranda Jean!" I said.  "I'm so glad you're here."

Her face glowed like a diamond ring.  "Oh, Sarah Jane, I've been so scared.  It's been two days since you talked to me or looked at me."

I didn't understand what she was talking about.  "What do you mean?" I asked.  "I just saw you a little while ago.  How long have I been asleep?"

"Uhn-uh.  Dr. Rudolph gave you that treatment on Thursday morning.  You woke up on Thursday night, but you wouldn't look at me or talk to me.  I don't think you could see me at all."  She looked so sad and scared, and that frightened me even more.

"I don't understand.  I can always see you and hear you.  Did ..."

"That's not the worst part Sarah Jane."

"What do you mean, the worst part?  What's the worst part?"  I was really getting scared now.

Miranda Jean just frowned.  Then she said, "Today is Saturday.  You've been awake since Thursday night.  And you wouldn't look at me or talk to me or anything.  Dr. Rudolph asked you if you could see me or hear me and you said, 'No.'"  Then she paused, "Could you really not see me, or were you just telling him that?"

"I don't know," I said.  "I don't remember anything until just a little while ago when I woke up."  Then very quietly I said, "Miranda Jean, I wet the bed."

"I know.  Just forget about that.  Do you think Dr. Rudolph can really make me go away forever?"  A tear ran down her cheek and she moved closer to me.

"I don't think so," I said, "because even though I couldn't see you for two days, I can see you now, can't I?"  Then I smiled and took her hand in mine.  I hadn't realized until then that she was probably as scared as I was, maybe ever more so.  Because where would she be if she were forced out of my life?

So together we made a pact to not talk to each other in front of the doctors and nurses and then maybe they would believe that I couldn't see her anymore and we could go home.

I sat there in silence because there was a nurse in the room feeding Jarrod.  When Nurse Allemon came back I was allowed to go into the day room, so Miranda Jean and I spent time coloring.  In the day room we didn't have to be so careful, because that nurse was always reading.  She didn't ever pay attention to me.  As long as we spoke quietly things would be fine.

I had only colored about three pages of a coloring book when Nurse Allemon came back and got me with her wheelchair.  When she deposited me in Dr. Rudolph's waiting room I was confident that I could fool him into thinking that I couldn't see Miranda Jean anymore.

He came out quickly and led me into his office.  I sat in one chair and Miranda Jean sat in the other.  "Well Sarah Jane," he began "how are you feeling today?"

I smiled at him and said, "I feel fine."

"How is Miranda Jean today?"

Now was my chance to convince him that I couldn't see her anymore.  I forced my face into a serious expression and told him that I couldn't see her anymore.  Then I asked him if I could go home.

"Well not quite yet," he said.  "I think it's going to take a little while longer to make sure you're completely well."  Then he looked straight at me and said, "So how do you feel about not seeing Miranda Jean anymore?"

I wasn't prepared for that question.  I didn't know what he wanted me to say.  All kinds of replies were bouncing around in my head, but which answer was the right answer?  Finally I said, "I guess I feel alright."

He nodded his head, said, "Hmm," then told me to wait for Nurse Allemon in the waiting room and he would see me tomorrow.  She took me back to the day room, and Miranda Jean and I spent the day putting puzzles together and talking quietly.  The time passed as slowly as it did on Christmas Eve when all you wanted was Christmas morning.  I couldn't wait for tomorrow when I would finally see my parents.

Sunday finally arrived bright and early and looking through the windows I longed to be outdoors.  The trees were dressed in vibrant reds and rich golden hues and the ground had just started to be lightly dotted with leaves.  It looked to me as if Heaven had taken all of the colors of the rainbow and sprinkled them randomly from the clouds.  The sky was a bright sharp blue and when I touched the window it was cold, and I knew 'jacket weather', as my mother called it had begun.

I hadn't even been gone a whole week and already things were changed.  It was impossible to keep my eyes off the clock.  It felt as if every minute took ten and every hour took three.  Finally it was 4:00 and Nurse Allemon came and took me down to the first floor where the visitors lounge was located.  There were my mother and father waiting for me with smiles and open arms.

Once again, I nearly knocked them to the ground with the force of my head-on run into them.  Then for reasons unknown to me at the time, I burst into huge, racking sobs, soaking my father's Sunday shirt.  On the one hand I was relieved and happy to see them, but I think on an unconscious level, I also knew that no matter how much I begged, they wouldn't take me home until Dr. Rudolph said it was alright.  I had no idea how long I would be there, no idea how much my life would be changed.

When I looked up at my mother's face, I realized she was crying too.  My father led us over to one of the eight round tables in the room and we sat down together, me on my father's lap.

Immediately, my mother took her hankie from her purse and dabbed at her eyes, then handed me a small box wrapped in tissue, circled with a big, red bow.

My curiosity got the better of me and I quickly tore the wrapping off.  It was a small box of chocolates from the soda shop in our town.  The smell of the chocolates mixed with my father's after-shave and my mother's always fresh scent overwhelmed me and my tears again threatened to drown us.

My father held me closer and said, "Hey, how about sharing those chocolates, Sarah Jane?"  That broke the tension and we all chose a chocolate from the box.  Mine turned out to be a delicious coconut creme on the inside and it was wonderful.  In the past I never would have been allowed two pieces, but visiting day was a special occasion and so we each had two.  The second one was a butterscotch creme and just melted in my mouth.

That morning Nurse Allemon had given me a bath and shampooed my hair.  But after I was toweled off and dressed, it was up to me to comb it out.  Miranda Jean and I had naturally curly hair and after a week of not doing anything with it, it resembled the hay twisted by the wind before it was baled.  This was something my mother noticed and being unable to do anything else, she took me onto her lap, pulled a comb out of her purse and proceeded to ease out the tangles.  Then she took control of my curls and carefully braided my hair.

By that time I was feeling much better and was very eager to talk to my parents about taking me home.  Surely I could convince them that I felt fine and I was ready to leave.  I tried logic first, although the logic of an eight-year old isn't always logical.  I told them I felt fine and I lied and said I couldn't see Miranda Jean anymore, so I should certainly be taken home.  The logic gave way to begging and pleading, which gave way to crying and then to kicking and screaming.  My father took hold of me and held me close until my anger had been spent, but what really quieted me was Miranda Jean.

She was standing next to mother, looking right at her with an expression of such sadness, it was as if all of the angels had lost their way back to Heaven.  Until then it never occurred to me how much Miranda Jean missed our parents.  For as much as she tried, they couldn't see her and she couldn't talk to them, and there was nothing I could do to help.

Before I knew it two hours had passed and it was time for my parents to leave.  I tried really hard to be calm when it came time to say good-bye but the tears started again and I was as close to a tantrum as possible.  That's when the nurse who was sitting in the visitor's lounge came over and took control of the situation.  She took a strong hold of my hand and told my parents that they had to leave.  I looked at my mother and before she looked away I saw a stream of tears sliding slowly down her face.  My father gave me a weak smile and they both left.

I don't remember ever feeling so hopeless before.  But what I didn't know then was that it would become worse before it got better.  I watched Miranda Jean follow our parents to the door and then just stop.  I wasn't worried, because I knew she would come back to me.  I was the only one who could see her or hear her.  She had no one else.

Monday morning after breakfast Jarrod was taken away for a treatment and Miranda Jean and I spent our time back in the day room putting puzzles together and talking quietly.  When the lunch trays came I noticed that Jarrod was back in his bed, but he was asleep and he didn't eat lunch.  Lucky for him!  It was cabbage soup, a thick slice of black bread, an apple and a glass of milk.  I tried my hardest on the soup, but ended up only finishing the apple and the milk.

After lunch, Nurse Allemon picked me up for a visit with Dr. Rudolph.  This time he didn't talk to me about Miranda Jean but instead he asked me a long list of questions that didn't make any sense to me.

"Do you remember your dreams Sarah Jane?  Tell me about them."
"Do you have nightmares?"
"How do you feel about your mother?  Do you love her?"
"How about your father?"  On and on and on.  Then he finally asked me about Miranda Jean and what my life was like before she died.

I told him everything he asked and more.  I told him that when we were small we could talk to each other and no one else could understand us.  I told him that when she lost her first tooth, I lost mine the very next day.  I told him that Sousa said we were two peas in a pod.  But mostly I said, "I love her more than anything or anybody.  She's just a part of me that no one else can see."

He wrote everything down and then told me to wait in  the outer office for Nurse Allemon.  When she brought me back to my room, Jarrod was awake.  He was sitting in the chair by his bed and a nurse was changing the bedding.  There was a strong smell of urine in the room and I knew Jarrod must have wet the bed, just like I had.  When the nurse was finished, she helped him back into bed and instead of staring and rocking, he stared and drooled.  It frightened me and I wondered if I had done the same thing.  Miranda Jean and I exchanged glances and went back into the day room to try and forget what we had seen. 

I wasn't exactly sure what I was afraid of, but Miranda Jean felt it too.  I think it was Jarrod.  Did the treatment cause him to be that way?  For two entire days I couldn't see my own sister.  What would happen if they gave me more treatments?  Could they really banish her from my life?

There were so many things I didn't understand.  Why did my parents believe Dr. Rudolph and not believe me?  I was their daughter and I had never lied to them.  Why couldn't they understand that Miranda Jean really had come back?  What had I done wrong?

That evening before as I was getting ready for bed Nurse Allemon gave me two little white pills to swallow.  "What are they for?" I asked.

"They will help you sleep."

"But I sleep just fine, I don't need any help."

"Well Sarah Jane," she answered in a firm voice, "Dr. Rudolph wants you to have these."

I strengthened my resolve and with a nod of encouragement from Miranda Jean, I puffed up my chest and said, "I sleep just fine and I don't want any pills and I'm not going to take them."

"Young lady we will have none of that."  Her voice was hard and I knew she meant business.  She didn't remind me of my mother anymore.  And I knew that the argument had been won and not buy me.  I put the pills in my mouth and swallowed them down with a glass of water.  By the time the blinds had been closed and the lights turned down, I started to feel strange and a little dizzy.

The next thing I remember is waking up to the sun blazing through the blinds sending shafts of light onto the opposite wall.  Miranda Jean sat patiently at the foot of my bed and waited for me to completely wake up before she spoke.  "Sarah Jane, c'mon, wake up already will you?"  Her voice was petulant and pleading and I felt as if I'd let her down.

"Okay I'm awake," I answered.  "What's wrong?"

"We've got to figure out a way to get home.  I don't like it here and you went right to sleep last night without even talking to me."

I didn't know what to say.  I didn't know how to get us home.  I was sorry she was so upset, I was upset too.  I told Dr. Rudolph I couldn't see Miranda Jean every chance I got, but he didn't believe me.  I just wished everyone could see her, then I wouldn't be here at all.  But for now, I was here and that's all that mattered.  There weren't any nurses in the room so I looked into her eyes and said, "I'm sorry, Miranda Jean, I'll try to do better."

Her face brightened just a bit and she said "I'm sorry too Sarah Jane.  We'll figure it out somehow."  Then the breakfast trays came and I concentrated on eating.  The nurse who always fed Jarrod was in the room and I dare not speak to Miranda Jean.  She would notice for sure and probably tell Dr. Rudolph.

The nurse finished feeding Jarrod and then she lifted him out of the bed and stood him beside it.  He didn't move an inch.  As soon as she finished making his bed up, she turned to him and realized he had just peed on the floor.  It looked as though he didn't even notice.  But his nurse did and so did I.

"Sarah Jane, please go into the day room now," the nurse said.  Her usually pretty face looked angry and impatient.  I got out of bed as quickly as possible and did exactly as she said.

I wasn't in the day room even fifteen minutes before Nurse Allemon arrived.  When she opened her mouth out came the last thing I wanted to hear.  "Sarah Jane, you're scheduled for another treatment this morning.  Let's go."

I know now, looking back, that my reaction was absolutely the worst thing I could have done, but at the time I couldn't stop myself.  I acted completely from a place of fear and instinct.  I screamed and ran as fast and as hard as I could.  When Nurse Allemon finally caught me at the end of the hallway, she tried to corral me into the wheelchair, but all I could do was kick and scream.  Another nurse came running down the hall and while Nurse Allemon held me, the other nurse put a needle in my arm and everything went black.

I woke up in my bed and the room was dark.  Immediately I looked around for Miranda Jean, but I couldn't see her.  The only one I could see was the night nurse slumped in a chair by the window snoring softly.  I felt strange, kind of dizzy and it was hard to keep my eyes open.  But I had to find my sister.  So very softly I called her name.  "Miranda Jean, where are you?  C'mon, quit teasing me, please?"  There was no answer, no whisper, no Miranda Jean popping her head around the corner of the doorway.  I stopped calling for her and fell back to sleep.

When I woke in the morning I felt much better and Miranda Jean was sitting at the foot of the bed.  "Miranda Jean!" I cried.  Where were you last night?  Where did you go?"

She frowned and said, "Sarah Jane, I was right here the whole time.  You looked right through me.  How could you do that?  I'm getting scared."

I couldn't believe what she said.  How could I not see her?  Although I was afraid of the answer she might give, I asked her, "How many days have gone by since my treatment?  What day is it?"

She moved closer to me and I could feel the coolness of her hand pass through mine.  "It's Friday, Sarah Jane.  You got your treatment on Tuesday."

"Friday!" I exclaimed, "how can it be Friday?" Panic started rising in my throat and I began to shake as if I'd gone outside in Winter without a coat.  My vision was cloudy from the tears filling my eyes and I wanted to die.  At least then I would be with Miranda Jean forever and I wouldn't have to worry about losing her again.  But all I could do was to try my hardest at getting out of that place.

Friday and Saturday passed without any treatments or tests, but I was still getting the little white pills at night.  When Sunday came my spirits lifted because it was visiting day.  I couldn't wait to see my parents.  I was sure this time I could convince them to take me home.

Once again, waiting for 4:00 to arrive seemed to take forever.  Finally it arrived and a nurse took me down to the visitor's lounge.  My mother and father were waiting with open arms.  They also brought me Alice Through the Looking Glass that I received for my birthday.

Immediately I began my campaign to be allowed to go home.  "I can go home now, can't I?  I feel much better now, really I do."  Quickly I glanced at Miranda Jean and then back at them.  "I don't see her at all anymore.  Please, can I come home now, please?"

My mother turned her face away from me, but before she did I saw her eyes well with tears.  My father held both my hands in his and pulled me closer.  "Sarah Jane," he said, "your mother and I would like nothing better than to take you home right now, but Dr. Rudolph says that you're not ready yet."

"But I am ready, I am!"  My tears flowed unchecked down my cheeks and I sobbed uncontrollably.  It felt as though I would never be able to stop.  Before I knew it the nurse came over and told my parents they would have to leave; that I was not to be upset.  My father nodded, kissed my forehead, then took my mother by the hand and led her out the door.  I wanted to run after them but I just didn't have the energy.  Besides, even if I could have, the nurse had a firm hold on my shoulders and as far as she was concerned, I wasn't going anywhere.  When I got back to my room Miranda Jean and I curled up together in the corner of my bed.  When the dinner tray came, I just couldn't eat it, but there was no getting around the little, white pills.

Monday came, cloudy and dark, with a heavy rain pattering against the window.  It was a complete picture of how I felt.  No amount of pleading or cajoling by Miranda Jean could snap me out of the hopelessness that sat upon my heart.  Every time I tried to speak and explain how I felt, my throat closed and I could barely talk.  "Miranda Jean please help me.  I don't know what to do.  I don't think we're ever going to get home."

"Sarah Jane, you've just got to be more convincing."  Her voice sounded sharp and angry.  "When you talk to Dr. Rudolph, you have to make him believe that I'm really gone.  Then we can go home."

"I'm trying, I really am," I said.  I dried my eyes on the sleeve of my gown and attempted a weak smile.

"Well," she said, "we need to try harder.  From now on, we won't talk to each other unless there is no one else in the room."

"I'll try," I said.

At that moment Nurse Allemon entered the room with my breakfast tray and told me Dr. Rudolph wanted to see me this morning.  I drank the orange juice, ate a half of a piece of toast, and changed into a clean gown under her watchful eyes.  Then it was into the wheelchair for the ride to Dr. Rudolph's office.

My visits with him were getting pretty routine; questions about my parents, Miranda Jean, my life.  I remember feeling inadequate.  What could an eight-year old really tell you about her life?  What insight did I have?  For me everything was black and white; I could see Miranda Jean, she was as real as I was, but no one else could and I didn't know why.  But the best thing for me to do was to lie, so I said, "No, I can't see her anymore," with a sad voice and a sad face.  I wanted more than ever for him to believe me.

He just nodded a few times and then told me to wait in the outer office for Nurse Allemon.  I wanted so badly to talk to Miranda Jean, but I was too afraid because I didn't know exactly when the nurse would show up and maybe Dr. Rudolph was listening at the door.  So it was best to keep absolutely quiet.  Even Miranda Jean didn't say a word.

Nurse Allemon took me back upstairs just as lunch was arriving.  I ate what I could and then went into the day room with my book.  Quietly Miranda Jean leaned toward me and said, "I think if you read the book out loud we can talk in between.  Nobody will notice if we do it that way."

"Okay," I said, "but let's be really quiet."

I began reading and we were both so involved in the story we didn't really need to talk to each other and although I didn't have a crazy rabbit with a pocket watch running around, I really did feel as if I had fallen through a magic looking glass.  In a way, Miranda Jean had been my reflection and now she wasn't.  It was as I had been living in a salt shaker and didn't know it until someone had picked it up and given it a good shake.  Now everything was upside down and inside out.  Maybe it wasn't real at all;  maybe Sousa would come in soon, shake my shoulder and wake me up for school and Miranda Jean would be sitting in her bed right next to mine.  But unfortunately it was not to be and little did I know that the nightmare was only going to get darker.