I'm Studying You

Kids' Day

Kids of The Library, I'm gonna keep this brief because your hero over here woke up with the worst sore throat he's had in years. I suppose it's what I get for it being in the mid-70's yesterday and busting my ass doing all types of spring cleaning and housework, grilling, and staying up far too late attempting to rip all of my cds onto my laptop (a daunting task, all 6 or 700 of them...it's going to be a lenghthy project). In honor of my strange spring cold phenonmenon, I would like to share with you my morning thus far.

I still buy the newspaper. Save me, you techy-savvy purveyors of all that is right and good with the internet, from your 21st century do-goodery by claiming I'm old-fashioned. My aunt recently told my girlfriend I started reading the newspaper when I was a mere three years old. Either that's a testament to the strength of our relationship, or further prrof of the nerdiness I was destined to encounter in the first grade. Not a point of contention, but I'lll leave it up to The Studyees to discuss amongst themselves.

Anyway, usually when I drop Jess off at work, I follow her in and get a copy of The Buffalo News (or for the locals who've been there, The Buffalo Evening News...The Courrier Express ceased publication when I was still a kid, and now The Buffalo News is a morning paper). That is, you'll remember, how Jess and I met. I hold back on getting a soda with my paper now because usually I have a mug of coffee in the car with me, and we usually keep St. Dew well-stocked in the fridge.

So I wake up today, throat swollen and feeling like crap, and my princess is running typically late. Threw on some shorts and a t, poured the coffee and was ready to transport her to the job she's trying to hook me up with. More about that another time...like I said, I have a lot of catching up to do. Get in the car, drive, and get stuck in unusually absurd traffic.

This is Western New York...there is no traffic...especially on the roads we roam.

Then it hits me...it's Kids' Day.

Fuck. Not only is princess going to be late for work, and she's already bitching because I went to bed at 2am and thinks my immune system is shot, but now I have to deal with this...

"Kids' Day" is a Buffalo News promotion once a year, usually in April (as I'm duh-ing myself), where they jack up the price for the paper a little bit and donate the proceeds to charities. Sounds like a nice thing, so I usually....holdupwaitaminute...

Yeah, it's nice and all, but they usually recruit volunteers to hawk these special joints, old-school style, like they used to sell newspapers back in the day or in the old movies ("Extra Extra!! Read all about it!!"). Nice. Fucking NICE. These volunteers are damn newspaper kamikazes in the busiest intersections. It doesn't take long for the local news radio station to report that a Kids' Day hawker was struck by a car. And people, when they see this, tend to drive like they're getting something for free when they see these people. Nice gesture and all, but do you really have to tie up traffic to think that you're "doing your part"? Is the beginning of a turning lane really the best place for this type of transaction?

Example: Traffic is backed up on our regular route, so in order to get around it I wind up in the turning lane for another street because I think there's been an accident. Then I realize all the cars parked on the side of the road are there because they're trying to do a service for a charity. Mind you, this is a single-lane road. Stoggers, me of little patience with a shotgun passenger on the verge of being late for work again and having altered our route, also has to deal with said passenger's comments...

"Yer hot! "

Please, woman. It's too early and I look too nasty from all the crap I did yesterday around the house. Again, another thing for another time. Let's just say I'm 93% of the best boyfriend ever.

Meanwhile, some jackass is scampering between me and a large truck of some sort...can't remember if it was cement, oil or gas. But it was one of those big trucks...the kind you don't want to be running aside of in traffic.

As I get to her destination, I notice two spry females shilling these now God-forsaken newspapers. Jess asks if I'm coming in and I usually do, but today I don't. At least I'll give it up to charity and try not to get somebody killed by trying to buy a Kids' Day edition in the parking lot.

I'm about to get vulgar. Cover your eyes.

The little Catholic School c*** in her Catholic School sweats couldn't be more disinterested in selling me a newspaper. A fucking charity edition of the local paper. In a Walgreens parking lot. I handed her my $1 through the passenger window, and she dropped the paper in like some sort of "I don't give a fuck"-ness was trapped in her Catholic School brain. What a little bitch! Listen...if you don't want to do it, stay home. Or if you're doing it just to do it and get out of school for a morning or a day, sod off and stick to your hymnals. But for the love of God, if I hand you a dollar bill, you hand me a newspaper...you're a volunteer, for chrissakes, so at least act like you love it and not drop my beloved newspaper into my passenger side window and do business like that. I get better service at Burger King (and let's not go there right now).

So there I am, Studyees. Loonies walking the streets today in the name of charity. I hope the extra 25 cents I spent on the paper really does go to help a crippled kid, and maybe I saved some crazy stuck-up chick from a gnarly fate while trying to be a do-gooder. So here's what I have to offer...I probably posted this before but it bears repeating...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRDi67G0Siw

I will not deny my fascination with Legos as a kid, and don't ever let your inner kid die. That is it for now Stoggers, as I have a shit-ton more cds to rip on this beast as the Blackberry blows up with Facebook nonsense. GOODDAY NOW!!