Out of the Ashes...

Swine Flu? Oh, brother...

To Mr. Tor: I have a complaint about your little employer. No sooner did I start working with those freaks I came down with a COLD! I was fine the day before I first reported in, I was just peachy during that maddening day sitting on my tush in front of the computer for 7 straight hours. I was fine for the first two hours of the second day.

But as soon as I opened the first IMPORTED boxes...I felt scratchiness in my throat. My ears began to itch. MY NOSE BEGAN TO RUN hours later.

That was yesterday. TODAY! Well, today it’s full blown frigging cold topped off with an irritable stomach and...um...frequent emergency bathroom trips (and not the “stand up” kind, either). And THEN I started sneezing...almost continuously. Biological warfare, that’s what it is!

Okay, back to reality. Seriously, I do have a cold that oddly coincided with my first day at the place, but it’s obviously not their fault. Probably got it from Cam during his birthday diner. DANG KIDS! *shakes fist in the air*

I haven’t been this laid out by a rhino virus in a long, LONG time. The occasional sniffle, yeah, and maybe a couple days of tight throat. But this bad? And this quick? Not for years.

And then...just as I make it through the day in preparation for a full day off tomorrow, I log onto Da net and check news (as usual).

So...um...apparently the US of A has pressed the “potential panic” button out there in DC (which I not so lovingly will call SODOM from now on). Ya know that Swine Flu thing? Took a few days but it’s world wide and NOT contained. No sure, no proper treatment. It moves REAL fast through a body...and...starts off just like a fast moving flu (which is eerily close to cold symptoms, by the way). New York, New jersey, California, Texas, Oklahoma, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Mexico...likely a lot more places not yet reported or discovered. GEEZ! Them Sodomite politicians are freakin’... out ... man!

So of course, I just had to be SURE that I didn’t come down with it somehow. I went through the checklist:

Runny Nose - CHECK!

Headache - CHECK!

Slight Fever - CHECK! (Then again, I always run a little hot at all times *snicker*)

Sore Throat - CHECK!

Watery Eyes - CHECK!

Fatigue - CHECKI! (Then again, I’m poor working class with a dang near GODLIKE IQ and under a lot of financial stress ... hmmm ... we’ll count this one anyway)

Normal Techniques have ZERO Effect - CHECK CHECK!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At this point I really did begin to wonder. That is until the next item on Da List.

Loss of Appetite - NOPE!

And then there was the REALLY strange part the befuddles our “turns out we’‘s still kinda ignorant” scientific crowd. This Swine thing? It’s affecting the 20 - 40 set far more than anyone else. Most viruses (virii??) Usually wipe out infants and elderly folks (you may interpret that as Boomers in this case *snicker*). Since I turn 42 tomorrow, I’M SAFE!

*flips bird at whomever created the stupid new virus, sneers* EAT ONE, terrorist swine!!

So, sorry folks - I ain’t dyin’.

I did note, however, that officials everywhere are really worried. I have no idea why, really. If the only social groups being affected are those 20 - 40, wouldn’t eliminating them be a GOOD thing?

Think about it...

No more Britney Spears ... no more 30-something greedy wusses crashing our economy just to grab themselves a few good years ... suddenly we have plenty of EVERYTHING ... no more Global Warming crap ... reduced expenditures supporting communist education institutions ... Hollywood films would LIKELY improve ... so would books ... and music in general ... no more Nirvana fans (god please make it so!!) ... cities will become quiet (er) ... sudden glut in QUALITY housing ... no more stupid unnecessary extras on cell phones ... the Windows OS might actually stabilize ... liberalism in general would wane at least until those surviving infants grow up (and then it’s ON again, baby) ... Somali pirates would pretty much die off by themselves ... and so on.

See my point? So why the panic? No matter what happens, it’ll be a GOOD thing. Right? *ahem*

*sigh*

If you start feeling a bit under the weather, no panic necessary. Just drink LOTS O’ LIQUIDS (water, silly) and get a truck load of snoozin’! No really, it works. Unless you live in an under developed nation ... then you’re pretty much hosed.

If that’s the case, adios amigo! Been nice knowin’ ya... If that’s NOT the case, see ya whenever.

PS - might be a really good idea to refrain from pork for awhile. Hey! You never know...