what matters and why

30 and still....

...making mistakes.

Just a movie, she reminded herself. Just a line in a movie. "you're on my mind all the time," the actress lays on the bed. "You're the first thing I think about when I wake up, and still on my mind when I go to sleep." Was she living in some fantasy world? Why did she think that would last? She was there- that feeling- can't eat, can't sleep, can't get enough of him. How could she have known then how emotionally damaging that experience would be? He'll never know, as she has vowed to myself to keep those feelings to herself. As stubborn as she is, there is no doubt that she will not break that promise to herself. Why give him that satisfaction?

But in her attempt to move foward, she has made several mistakes. Two weeks ago, after a long night of many different kinds of alcohol, she wakes up without clothes in a strange bed. Facing the wall on one side of the bed, but she has a feeling she's not alone. Vague flashbacks of the night before sweep through her brain while attempting to fight nausea. She's sure he's one of the two who was vying for her affection last night, but not sure which one. She looks around the room and tries to figure out where she might have put her clothes when she (or he) took them off. In an instant, she feels his hand on her back. His voice, not as deep as expected. He tells her good morning, and she realizes it's light outside. She's so sick. She's guessing it was around 3am when her memory completely failed her, but it's impossible to be sure. "You're only 30 once," she hear someone saying in a brief memory. The problem is, she wanted 30 to be better. Not this. Not someone whose name she hardly knows, not a memory she can't trust. She doesn't remember why her clothes are not on. She doesn't remember coming into this room, she doesn't remember kissing him for the first time. She don't know who saw them, doesn't know if anyone knows she is there. She can't breathe, and gets up to use the bathroom. She cries. Great way to start the first day of a new age. Sitting on a strange toilet, head in heads, crying.

When she get home, she tells herself it didn't happen. But she's sick all day. And that feeling between her legs confirms her worst fear. During those few hours of memory lapse, her body apparently had a great time without her.

He wants to see her again. She tells him she will, but she won't. Whatever respect she might have had for him is gone. Why could he have not used better judgment? Why didn't he know how intoxicated she was? Why didn't he leave her alone? She didn't know him at the beginning of the night, and now she never will.