The Five Strands of A Sedentary Empress

Puddleglum

Sometimes, it's too much.

The silence breeds thought, like thick, wet, greenish mold. It takes over, chains me to the chair, beats down anything inside which might rise to revolt against it. What I hear and what might be said are two distinctly different things, my perceptions feeling more real than anything which cause them.

A shrill ring cut through the heavy morning air- long distance, possibly a friend, possibly a well-intentioned voice. I envisioned the phone line as an IV, the blood of the happy snaking through it and finding its way into my veins, filling me. Fill me with all your pink secrets, I wished silently to the faceless caller, let them invade me with things like superiority and confidence which would whelm the sadness I've been stoking inside.

My sister. A morning in which her children are safely sequestered at my parent's home, leaving her free and unencumbered-chatty. I had no intention of letting her know that I am down. I didn't want for the exasperation and contempt which usually comes from any kind of helpless admission on my part. She doesn't want to hear about my troubles. She thinks I make them for myself, like cupcakes covered with self-pity and sprinkles.

In a matter of minutes, she managed to convince me that my best friend has outgrown me, has no further need for me in her life. Maybe it's time to accept that you lead different lives. Maybe the way she makes fun of Cathie is the way she makes fun of you, too. I hadn't even considered this, to be honest. I chalked up her phone call procrastination to being a mother with tunnel vision, not as an indication of how bored she might be with me. She spends all her time with the mothers of the kids her own children hang out with. I've never assumed that my friends were under any obligation to foresake all other potential friends just because of their relationship with me, but I also never anticipated how it would make me feel to see my oldest, dearest friends photos in social networking sites with people I've never met before. I know they have their own lives, but I can't deny being bothered that I seem to have very little to do with them, anymore. It's a lonely business, getting older and following your own path.

She had asked if I'd spoken with Kyla lately, and I mentioned that I'd called on Wednesday to say hello, but that her husband had said she was in the shower. Okay, I'd said easily, just tell her to call me back when she gets a chance! The thing is, it's now Sunday. Kyla doesn't have a job, her kids are fairly self-sufficient, she doesn't clean much or belong to any kind of class that I know of. I was light when I responded to the question, trying to appear unbothered by it, but my sister wasn't going to let that happen. She opted to make me feel unwanted instead. I suppose she thought her bluntness was actually going to help me in some way, but all it did was make feel worse than I had before I had answered the phone. A friend who doesn't think I'm important enough to return a phone call to, and a sister who thinks it's her place to make sure I know it.

All the self-pity, all the self-doubt, all of it, is too much today. In the shower, I put my head against the wall and sobbed because of what I've seemingly become. I am not important, and once I'd thought I would be. I am not interesting or talented, unlike what my nodding, smiling teachers used to assure me I was. I am an unhappy, scattered, uncertain, lonely woman who is just now beginning to realize that things may never be the way I had imagined they would be one day. All the hardship I used to know I reasoned as being a stepping stone to something better, but now I wonder if it's just my lot in life, to always be wishing for something better than what I have at hand.

Oddly, though, I mostly cry because of what no one wants to find in me; my worth. I didn't know finding a job would be so hard, nor did I think making/keeping friends would ever pose a problem. What with M. still being slightly distant and the fact that I hate my hair at the moment, I am quite low. I am not completely detached from reality, though. I know that people have trouble managing their own lives, much less their slightly neurotic friends, but when you're feeling down, bobbing in the waves, you want to know there are people who will extend an arm, rather than leave you flailing.

I suppose I need my friends more than they need me.

My sister, though. Why would she want to make me feel this way? What is it in her that made her believe she was doing something good by pointing out my irrelevance to others? And, she didn't stop at my friends, either. She managed to hiss several warnings about my joblessness, that I would have to work at 'whatever' and I shouldn't be so picky. I'm not, I had responded, I'm pretty open to any kind of clerical position. Yes, but, they don't appear to be interested. Just like that, a matter-of-fact approach to crushing aspirations.

I used to be great student. I used to be the kid in the class the others wanted for a partner so they could coast on my efforts. I was also the kid the others ignored when it came time to choosing partners for anything else. I was okay with that because I had my future to keep me company and I believed that one day I wouldn't need their approval or friendship to let me rise to the top. I was smart, I was inquisitive, and one day I'd be okay.

And then, I somehow became this.

I'm not answering the phone for the remainder of the day.