The Undiscovered Country

Not So Brave

A friend emailed me recently with the following question: I read the cover -- did I read that right that there is a lesbian love in the story?

Here's how I responded:

Yes, the story deals in part with homosexuality. It's surprised a few people, including my husband.

It started when these two characters (a man and a woman) appeared in my second book. They loved each other deeply, but would never marry or otherwise "get together". When I realized they were homosexual, I decided to tell their story.

"A Reason to Hope" is the end result.

I felt it important to publish it for two reasons: To address the typical attitude of too many Christians against homosexuals, and to stand up against many publishers (secular and otherwise) who won't touch a Christian novel with homosexual characters.

I wanted to show Christians are not to shy away from any issue no matter how controversial, and that writing a story as such is possible as well as important.

My only concern is that it will come across as preachy. I hope instead people will enjoy the story and fall in love with the characters. The message is secondary.

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That was yesterday.

Amazing how one day, a mere 24 hours, changes a person's attitude.

I sound brave up there, don't I? I show a willingness to thumb my nose at convention. I felt brave. I thought I was ready to thumb my nose at convention.

The words I wrote hit me suddenly on an emotional level today. A doubt so thick struck me so hard I want to puke.

My book is going to fail. Most, if not all, will end up not finishing the thing they will be so disgusted. They will hate it because it's preachy. They will hate it because two of the characters are homosexual. They will hate it because I mention God. They will hate it because I wrote it poorly. They will hate it because neither the characters nor the story itself are believable.

They will hate me for allowing them to spend $11 (less shipping) on a piece of [censored]. They will hate me for wasting their time.

Who am I to think I can write well, and write about controversial issues without preaching?

Doing God's will, I thought. Ha! Who am I to have an inkling about what God wants?

Arrogant is what I am. Blind to the truth is what I am.

And now, because of that arrogance, my book, my entire writing 'career' will fail.

That said, I still must push through my doubts. I came this far, I may as well go all the way.

If I indeed fail, well, then I will learn what not to do next time, won't I?