Despertar

motherfucking double shit god fucking ass damn it

Saw Justin tonight. And it was fine. Did not hook up. Left there around eleven, came home to an empty apartment. With Val in New York for the weekend, I had a perfect Sunday night planned: Chinese food, red wine, Love Actually, solitude. Already sleepy, so I thought, finally, a night with no insomnia. When I would maybe not mind falling asleep alone. Toward this end, I yawned. Widely.

Jaw popped. Stuck.

It's almost three, now. Chinese food untouched. Wine unopened. Mouth still agape because I do NOT feel like visiting the ER for the second time in three months. I just won't do it.

I am a little miffed. It's almost like God looked down and saw me about to actually enjoy my evening. And said, sorry, no. You know better.

*

Oh, but of course, seven hours later, welcome home from the ER!

It's utter relief all mixed up with utter annoyance. I'm high on Valium and so freaking over my retarded body.

*

1. Do you miss the way things used to be?
I miss the way things were the very first week after I got home from San Francisco. It was a little more Aaron-and-Jackie, a little less Ross-and-Rachel.

2. Would you ever live with anyone on your top friends?
I'm tired of telling these surveys I don't have Myspace, so, hypothetically, if I did, I doubt I'd live with any of my top friends, because living with me is pretty tough and would maybe ruin friendships.

3. Do you miss anyone?
Badly.

4. What's the last thing you ate?
Haven't had anything since long before the IV cocktail of Tortol and Valium, which is probably why I dry heaved all the way home.

5. Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
I don't understand about should and shouldn't. Valerie likes to preach about not giving someone the satisfaction of knowing they've hurt you. That sounds like one of those pride things I don't understand, again.

6. It's four in the morning, your phone rings?
Twice a week that happens. I only ever seem to notice when it's someone I don't want to talk to. On the other hand, I invariably miss calls from people I like.

7. What do you think of people who smoke?
Mixed feelings. There are quite a few smokers in my life, ranging from the casual/social smokers to the chain smokers, so I try not to dehumanize them by lumping them all into one category, but I do, I think, have a kind of knee-jerk prejudice against them. My grandfather died of emphysema after a thirty-five-year love affair with cigarettes, but he took up the habit when he was sixteen, way before the health risks were so widely publicized. Anyone, say, forty-five or younger has no legitimate excuse to voluntarily take up a habit known to be dangerous or fatal, but obviously I have unhealthy habits of my own, so can I really throw stones? Stacy London looked fabulous in the fourth season of What Not to Wear, when her nicotine addiction was at its fullest, and looks terrible now that she's quit, so I can see where someone in a visual career field would consider it a worthwhile investment. When I pass a smoker on the street, I tend to prejudge him or her as uncultured and/or uneducated, but that's my issue. I know this. I know plenty of people who were educated well but socialized differently. How dare I? And I don't consider myself to have been a teenager more self-sufficient than any other teenager. Smoking was completely uncool in my peer group, so I was never tempted. Other people live different realities. Blah blah blah equivocate equivocate equivocate.

8. What do you currently hear right now?
Cristina's Court is on. I couldn't manage class today. Not with my head still dizzy and spinning.

9. What's your favorite Gatorade flavor?
Blue.

10. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
My mother, but she is largely unreliable, as she also, occasionally, calls me other less glowing things.

11. Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?
Inconclusive. Marcus once said he could never get tired of looking into my eyes. Justin often comments on how big and dark they are. Neither one ever said, or says, they're actually "pretty." Which is unsurprising, because I don't think they are.

12. How do you feel about chocolate covered strawberries?
That they are completely delicious.

13. How do you vent anger?
Internalize. Or write vague, ranty journal entries. But I almost never feel "anger"; I'm much more prone to fear and sadness.

14. How did your day start off?
Glad you asked! At midnight my tempromandibular joint decided to slip its hinge, so my jaw was locked painfully wide open. I resisted the inevitability of the ER until around three, when I started choking on my own stupid spit. I got lost five times driving myself to Georgetown University Hospital. By six-thirty in the morning I was driving myself home, close-mouthed, drugged up and under auspices of having called a ride. The makings of a perfect Monday.

15. Does anyone hate you?
Probably Chris does. But he can go fuck himself.

16. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?
Nope. I've liked two people, ever, and told them both about it.

17. What would you do if someone told you that you were the most beautiful person in the world and they would do anything to wake up to your face each and every morning?
Honestly, I would probably vomit, and he would have no shot with me after that. I'm not the most beautiful person in the world, and adoration is my biggest turn-off.

18. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Yeah, but not in the fatalistic sense. Everything happens because something made it happen. My jaw got stuck because I yawned too widely. Kim got mad because she had hoped Aaron would fight for her longer. Bigger Thomas killed Mary because he was an outcast in his own body and life. None of these happenings are messages from God. Actions have reactions. Et cetera.

19. How do you think you look right this moment?
Terrible.

20. Last time you smiled?
Right after my jaw clicked shut. But I barely even remember the moment of triumph.

21. Do you have a best friend that knows you inside and out?
I have a couple who know a lot, but they are both long-distance, which limits their access to my day-to-day neuroses and failings.

22. Do you like lemonade?
When it's sweet enough.

23. Are you usually wide awake in the mornings?
Not ever, thank God. Nothing is worse than trying to exist during those pre-noon hours.

24. Are you friends with someone who's older than you?
More now than ever, because law school students tend to be older. Average age of the entering class was twenty-six, my year. I was twenty-two, and under the misconception that most people would have come straight from college, like me. Everyone has more work experience, more life experience and more social rigidity than I do. It sucks a little.

25. Your current relationship status?
Bitter. Don't proposition me anytime soon, because, in the wake of about five years of constant heartbreak, the thing I look forward to most about dating again is remaining distant and powerful enough to hurt someone else instead of the reverse. It was truly, truly frightening how easily I rejected Chris, and how empowered I felt afterward. I don't want to get involved again, with anyone, till that feeling fades away.

26. What shirt are you wearing?
My Black Dog pajama top from Martha's Vineyard. It passed as a tank top at the hospital.

27. When was the last time you cried really hard?
I guess about three weeks ago.

28. Have you ever shared a drink with anyone?
On dates and stuff, yeah. Other times, when people ask for sips of my drink, I always say yes, but then I don't take any more sips afterward. They rarely notice.

29. Is something bothering you right now?
A lot of things are. My stress level is outrageous, right now.

30. How many pillows are on your bed?
Two regular pillows and my powder blue husband pillow, Gareth.

31. Do you dance in the car?
I'm paranoid about doing anything but driving in the car anymore. I got a speeding ticket last week while rocking out to the Remember the Titans soundtrack.

32. Do you want to get married and have kids?
More than I want to do anything else.

33. Have you kissed someone in the past forty-eight hours?
No.

34. Have you hugged anyone in the last seventy-two hours?
Probably. I have to hug a lot of times every day.

*

I just scrolled down and there are about four million more questions, none of which I feel like answering.

Send me your sympathy, please.