Despertar

feeling the pinch

Money sucks. Worrying about it is just a whole extra thing that, on top of everything else, reminds you how nonsensical the world is. Our rent is twenty-five hundred dollars a month split both ways, plus utilities, and what does that buy us? The right to live, temporarily, in a very nice apartment that we now have to decorate with very nice things, which of course cost more money. A white carpet that looks awful unless it's kept clean, which requires that we pay a steamer service. A spacious kitchen that goes to waste unless we glorify it with expensive organic groceries. Et cetera.

Material dependence sucks, too. Yesterday, on the ride home, I said to Justin, "You know, my trip to New York would have been so much easier if I had left my laptop at home. One less thing to carry. But I didn't because I feel, like, something like extreme separation anxiety when I don't have it with me. Whenever I wake up or try to go to sleep someplace and my laptop isn't nearby, I get the feeling like I used to get when I was little and my mom would go on long business trips and be away at bedtime. I feel totally alone." Twelve hours later, this morning, my operating system crashed. Just like that. I spent a whole morning on the phone with AppleCare and a whole afternoon at the Apple store running diagnostics, and now my most important possession, my gateway to class notes and my friends and everything else that matters, is at a factory someplace getting repaired. You cannot believe how alone I feel, having to borrow computer time from a friend just to pay my gas bill and check my Taxation syllabus. I don't think I realized I was quite this bad.

*

Before the trip, I told Tina I had set aside six hundred dollars to potentially spend in New York. In addition to the party and the inevitable repeat trips to Pinkberry, I wanted to start putting some of Stacy and Clinton's rules to good use. I wanted shoes in a random pop of color, conscientiously seamed blazers and a jacket that would deemphasize my hips.

Tina said, "I have no idea what the hell you think you're going to spend six hundred dollars on."

I then proceeded to spend seven hundred. In a single weekend. And I didn't even get a conscientiously seamed blazer.

Take that, Tina.

*

Christina, you really need to rethink the life you have chosen for your kids. I believed that before the police got involved, and I will believe that even if they decree otherwise.

Your hands are not tied. If you are unwilling, or consider yourself unable, to see through a separation from Austin, fine. Stay with Austin, but remove the kids from that home. The thing is, if you don't consider the two of you to be a stellar parenting team, acknowledging that they'd be better off with someone else is the most selfless, responsible decision you can make.

If you're thinking of feeding your kids ramen on a regular basis, there is no money for luxuries. That goes for both of you. Your concert tickets are no more indispensable than his beers. If your six children live in a home with a verbally abusive alcoholic who disrespects their mother, there is no excuse not to squirrel every spare penny toward finding an alternative place to live.

Austin is only a few months older than I am. His neurological pathways have not finished developing, and will not for a few months yet. This does not excuse his shitty behavior; on the contrary, the two in tandem--his age and his irresponsibility--place him among the very last people most mothers would want co-parenting their children.

You have three sons. They are learning, by example, that idleness, alcoholism, lying, financial stupidity, physical and emotional abuse are acceptable ways of life.

You have three daughters. They are learning, by example, that sometimes men lie and manipulate and hit, and that none of those things are dealbreakers.

Get them out. I can't stand it. I love you and I can't stand that you're letting yourself be less than the best possible mother to six kids who still have a chance. I plan to make a career out of advocating for families in crisis, and I don't even know the people I'm going to help, yet. I don't love them. I do love you, and I want better for you. But even if you can't manage that for yourself, there is no excuse not to seize it for your kids. They didn't choose Austin. They didn't choose any of what they have to hear and see. Give them a chance and get them out.