I'm Studying You

The Damage Report

July 4th damage report:

* Several containers that once held Mountain Dew
* A bike tire
* Two large (6 foot plus) portions that used to be part of the gutters on my roof
* A bottle of hairspray
* One man's ego
* My text-slash-lighter thumb
* A pack of Camel Menthols
* My American Eagle shorts...the orange on the pockets doesn't match the cheddar stain from the cheesesteak
* The landscape of the street

Almost damaged:

* Every wooden fence in my backyard
* Winks...scratch that, he goes in the above list because I heard he got pretty fucked up last night upstairs... I skipped the afterparty
* The neighbor across the street's wooden-shingled awning by the missile that went awry and exploded in front of the 2nd story windows
* Every car that drove by or parked on my street
* The garbage cans in my yard
* Little Ricky tryin' to front on me and get himself invited over while I'm waitin' in line for my cheesesteak

So I had a blasty on the 4th. Except Jess didn't call. After much prodding I sent her a text saying I hope she found her cat and she was having a good night. She texted back, and it all just got weird. And when I can call something weird, you damn well better know it's weird.

I made a compliment and said we were blowing things up. She replied with something like "stop that". I was confused. The banter back and forth just got weirder until she apologized if she sounded like a bitch. I just told her I'd see her today and maybe we could hang out after work.

Enter today. Asked her what the "stop" comment meant, hitting on her or blowing up things. She says "both" with a laugh. I say fine, I don't like you anymore. That scored me a chuckle. She delayed my transaction by checking out my newspaper. I told her if she wanted to read it so bad I'd buy her one of her own. I know, I'm a dick. I left by telling her to call me later.

I blame my behavior on the government. Got my Economic Stimulus check today, all six hunnerd of it. Nice. Found a place to cash it and quickly had to get changed because my neighbor was ready to make a move and offered me a ride. So I put on these shorts...first time I did this summer, they fit right. For about an hour. I bought them when I was a little heavier. And at least 3 times this year, I have regretted the decision to skip the belt once I load my pockets. Because in the process of trying to cross a busy street, I end up jacking up my shorts and eventually turning my silk boxers into a thong. Not pretty.

So that's the day thus far. Shot around a few texts and prolly offended some folks...my bad and whatever. I speak truth, so if it's what you want, well grab some salt and start picking out the grains. Meanwhile, I'mma log off, fall behind again on blogs, and wait on a phone call that will probably not come. Peace out y'all.