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my come uppins

Seven years ago, I was sixteen. What else is there to say besides, we were all sixteen, we all know what a fiasco that is.

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Also, though, when they say that we are all new people every six/seven (I've heard both) years, do they mean, you know, literally? New tissue, new hair, new skin cells, et cetera? Because if they mean emotionally, intellectually (which seems completely possible), then things like marriage/long-term career paths don't make any sense at all, so that can't be it.

Anyway, though.

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1. I've come to realize that my boobs: will never be much bigger than they were seven years ago. When I was sixteen, I was waiting to grow into a B cup. I'm still waiting. Justin made the comment, after not seeing them for a while, that they seemed to have gotten bigger, but I think he just forgot, because I don't look very big, that they are actually pretty nice, unsheathed.

2. I've come to realize that this weekend: will probably be pretty disappointing. There's talk of a Giants game, a walk down to Pier 39 for free food and Independence Day festivities, and I was already lukewarm about both possibilities, and that was before I checked the weather forecast and saw that the temperature won't break sixty till next week. To hell with this San Francisco weather.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving: I take a lot of unnecessary risks, because I feel so at one with the car. It's become like walking, for me. Then again, I am a pretty clumsy walker, so.

4. I've come to realize that I need: to address my messy living habits. For reasons I cannot explain, all my jewelry is currently in the bathroom sink, just sitting there. It's been there for two weeks. I brush my teeth in the shower, and I almost never have to use the bathroom after work, so when it fell in there, out of my tarnish-buster jewelry box, I just left it, and haven't had a reason to take it out since. Last night, when I went home, I took off my earrings and set them very neatly in the sink with the others.

5. I've come to realize that I have lost: a lot of myself to the men in my life. I never thought that would happen to me, so I guess I've lost some naivete, too.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when: things come to me too easily. That was at least half the problem with Chris, was that there was no sense of deserving, no incentive for me to "up my game," as he put it. He already liked me at my very worst, so he never got to see me at my very best. I wore the exact same outfit on our first and third dates. Just for example.

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk: I must have really had a lot to drink, because I don't get drunk easily. I waited a long time to initiate myself into the world of imbibement, but in the short time since, I've learned I can drink most people under a table. Justin weighs more than twice what I do, and his buzz is twice the size of mine after a single LIT.

8. I've come to realize that money: is important, damn it.

9. I've come to realize that certain people: are just not that interesting. That isn't to say they don't have interesting lives, because I'm pretty sure I could find the intrigue in most people's stories, but some people just don't examine themselves or their surroundings very closely, and are, as a result, like two-dimensional cutouts on the stage of the world.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be: a little bit self-sabotaging.

11. I've come to realize that I have a crush on: Tina, from the office, who is about the size of a matchstick and otherwise very nearly resembles Edna "E" Mode from The Incredibles.

12. I've come to realize that my mom: is the only person in the world, myself included, who genuinely cares about everything that happens to me. My dad shows interest, sometimes oppressively intense interest, but tends to tune me out when I talk about my social life, or anything he can't relate to. Once my mom got past the whole hurdle of thinking I was totally fucked up, and started giving me credit for being a real person, separate from her, she became a great listener and a great friend, and that changed everything.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone: always looks older than it is, because I don't take care of my things.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning: I was already thinking about the first thing I was going to say to Justin.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep: I forgot to take my phone off silent, hence the late wake-up this morning. With only a few weeks to go till the end of this gig, and having witnessed the lazy discipline in place in this office, I have become incredibly lax about my professional standards. I hope this doesn't mess me up when I get home to Washington.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about: what's going to happen through the end of the summer. I am secretly worried about Justin, about how we, or I, will deal with having each other at convenient distances rather than three thousand miles away. I hope it's a nice reunion, a relief to see each other, and that the end of our summer is as lovely as the end of the school year turned out to be. I hope nothing comes along to destroy all the peace I've found with this separation.

17. I've come to realize that when I get on myspace: it's only because someone else made me.

18. I've come to realize that today: is Wednesday already, Jesus.

19. I've come to realize that tonight: might be stressful. Barbecue at the boss's boss's house, which is, like, double the pressure, somehow. They give you all this advice ahead of time, they tell you never to refuse a drink or a refill, but also never to let your boss see you drunk, and then they recklessly drop-kick you into the middle of a beer-swilling boys' club and watch from the sidelines as you struggle, socially, and everyone makes jokes at your expense and follows them up with "hysterical" sexual harassment disclaimers, and it is, just, tiresome.

20. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will: have a serious case of Weekend Anticipation, and nothing to eat for lunch, because I already exceeded my food budget for the week.

21. I've come to realize that I really want to be: deeply in love, engaged, married, pregnant, a mom, and so on. Also, though, that I don't want to be any of those things, because twenty-three is, ugh, not so different from sixteen, at all. Who am I? Who are these people, two or three years younger than I am, six or seven years younger than I am, getting married and having babies? Don't they know they're going to shed their skin and grow a new one, and that everything that makes sense now will look like infant scribble in a few years?

22. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this: is not the role model I would have thought she was, at sixteen. At sixteen, I would have wanted to be her. Now I know better.