Dear Lucy

November 17th - November 18th

                                                                               
                                                                                                                   November, 17th, 2007


Dear Lucy!

It's a Saturday today and  I am getting ready to go out. I have called Jasmin yesterday, after work. My hands were shaking  when I picked up the receiver. But I forced myself into doing it. The sooner I get this over with, the better. She was surprised to hear me. I suppose she didn't expect me to call. But after a second of catching her breath, she sounded more than happy to hear my voice. We didn't talk very long since she had to go back to a lecture. But, and that is the most important thing about the call: she's coming over to visit me. Today actually. It's now 2.15 p.m. and I am about to go pick her up from the train station. I can't wait to see her again. Although I am scared sh*tless as well. What am I to expect? What is she expecting of me? What are we going to do? Talk? Not find the right words? Just sit opposite of each other and stare around?
I wish Dana was here. She would know what to tell me so I feel better. I bet she would be able to take my fear away with a look or simple gesture.
Well, I brought it onto myself! I could have just ignored her call or at least said that I wasn't so sure about us meeting already. But no! I, of course, had to say it was okay for her to come over. Let's see where this is going to take me.

I talk to you later.....

Yours,


Myra



                                                                                                                   November, 18th, 2007

Dear Lucy!

I didn't find the time to write to you yesterday. So, I am doing it today. I bet you want to know how my meeting with Jasmin went.
As I said, I picked her up from the train station. I was so agitated that I thought I would have to vomit while I was pacing up and down the platform. Finally her train arrived. Jasmin was one of the first to climb out the train. She was wearing blue jeans, and a red-white winter jacket. Her long black hair was falling over her shoulders. My eyes were immediately travelling up and down her body as she was walking towards me. Our eyes met. I felt a sting in my heart. She was still as beautiful as the last time I have seen her. Jasmin grinned and stopped right in front of me. I didn't know what to say. My lips and my whole mouth felt dry.

“Are you going to just stare at me?”
She said, her brown eyes laughing at me.

I had to shake my head to clear my thoughts. Then I just reached out and pulled her into a hug. She immediately dropped the rucksack she had been holding over her shoulder and slung her arms around me. With a squeak she tightly pressed me to her.
It was good to feel her in my arms. My body immediately recognized her. She's as tall as me, very athletic. A very sportive person. And she looks that way.

“Oh god! This feels good!” Jasmin said with a laugh and then pulled back from me. Lifting up her rucksack she looked at me. “So, where are you going to take me? Show me your town?”

I shrugged my shoulders.
“I thought about going to a cafe and then to my place. Maybe we could do that city tour another day, when the weather is better than today.”
It was raining hard yesterday and I really wasn't in the mood for that. Besides, I thought we had enough to talk about that some time just for us was better than a journey through town.

“That's fine with me. Lead the way.” Jasmin said and linked her arm with me.

I took her to one of my favorite cafes. I had been here with Nadja before. It was a quiet place, in a small side street. An insider tip for students and alike.

After we had sat down and ordered our coffee's I leaned back in my chair and examined Jasmin. She looked very relaxed and happy. Her eyes were shining at me. Her lips twitching with a smile as she realised how I was taking her in. She leaned on her crossed arm onto the table.

“You look good.” I stated. How much I had missed her! God damn it! It was, at that moment, as if we had never been separated, never spent any time apart. Our souls immediately found each other again. I felt calm and at peace. It was much better, than what I had feared would happen when we meet.

“Right back at you.” Jasmin retorted.

“I've missed you, you know.” I wanted to be sincere with her. That was what came to my mind first.

A flicker of pain crossed her face as she was leaning back in her chair. She looked to the desk and seemed to avoid my eyes.
“I missed you too. That's why I called you. In the last weeks, since we...” She stopped and swallowed.

“It's okay.” I reached out my hand and took hers that was playing with the corner of a napkin.

“Since we broke up and since I moved to Berlin, I had to think about you a lot. And about us.” Jasmin looked up with a frown.
“I mean, I don't want to...you know...this is not supposed to mean that I....” She was nervously skidding on her chair.

I lowered my gaze but kept looking at her. Not saying a word. I wanted to give her the chance to say what was on her mind. Plus, it gave me time to consider my own feelings.

“That I would have done anything differently. I mean, of course I wish things would have gone differently, but I still think the decision we made was the best we could do.” Jasmin caught my eyes and shook her head to the side. “Oh god, I hope you don't understand me wrong.”

“No! I do understand.” I did. And I do. Breaking up was the best. We couldn't have went on like that. All the fighting and misunderstandings between us. They would have destroyed us anyway. There was a reason those things happened. And today I know, that it meant we didn't fit together in that way. We weren't working as a couple. Maybe we will be able to get back together as friends. That would mean the world to me.
“I know what you  mean. I feel the same. It was hard in the beginning and I wished back then, that I would have decided differently. That I would have come to Berlin with you. I felt so empty without you.”

Jasmin's face showed pure sorrow as she listened to my words.
“I'm sorry.” she said in a soft voice.

“You don't have to be. It's okay. I know now as well, it really was the best for us. It's just...”
I was stopped when the waitress brought us our coffees. As soon as she was gone again, I started again.
“I want you as my friend, Jasmin. You have always been so very important to me. I think that is what hurts the most. To lose you as my best friend.”

Jasmin smiled and laid her hand over her heart.
“You have never totally lost me. I've always been with you in my thoughts and you will always have that special place right here in my heart.”

Her words caressed my soul. Is there still hope for us? That would be the best thing happening!

“I've thought about you a lot as well. You will never be totally gone out of my heart or mind, you know.” I admitted to her and to myself.

There was a moment of silence as we looked at each other, both trying to sort out our emotions.

“Do you think, we can go from here? And return to what we had before....us.” Jasmin asked tentatively, stirring her coffee slowly.

“I would hope so. It would mean the world to me.” I said with a smile. It was supposed to show her how much I meant that. And how great my joy about this would be.

Jasmin grinned at me. She held out her hand, laying it flat on the table, palm upwards. I followed her invitation and slipped my hand onto hers. It was a sign of a bonding. Hopefully, for forever.

We stayed at the coffee some longer. After this emotional opening it was easy to just sit there and chat. My heart felt less heavy. It was almost as if a heavy burden had been lifted off my shoulders. This is a dream come true for me. What else could I wish for? Than having my best friend back. Than knowing, she feels the same and wants the same as me. It will work out and be the best friendship. Maybe our experience will get us even closer than we already were before we became lovers. 

I took Jasmin to my apartment a bit later. She was excited to see how I was living. With a grin and a laugh here and there she went on a quick journey through my place. Most of the things I have, belonged to me when we were together, already. Each single one containing memories, both of us and of my childhood.

Finally we ended up on the sofa, sitting closely side by side.
Jasmin turned to her side and leaned her head against her hand that was resting on top of the back of the couch.
“So, what's happening in you life these days?”

I shrugged my shoulders and waved around the room.
“You're sitting in it. There isn't really that much going on.”

“Oh, come on! You must have something to share with me. Some adventures in this new town. Where are you working?”

“At this place that sells all the shit no one needs but everyone wants. I'm the web designer and responsible for solving all the software problems coming up.”

“So, you finally got the job you were always dreaming about, hm?” Jasmin reached out and padded my thigh. “That's good. What else?”

“Nothing.” I shrugged my shoulders again, looking into my lap. Well, there really isn't that much going on in my life at the moment. Okay, there are Nadja and Dana. But I wasn't so sure if it was the right time to talk about this with Jasmin. Were we back to being that close without any other feelings coming between? Was it safe to talk about my feelings with her? I wasn't sure about that. That's why I tried to avoid the subject.

“Come on! You know what I am talking about.” Jasmin teasingly pushed my shoulder, trying to get me to talk.

I stole a sideway glance at her.

“Aha! There we go! I know that look. You're hiding something from me.” Jasmin triumphantly said. “Tell me, come on. Is she cute? How old? Have you already...you  know what? Do you love her? When will I meet her?”

This time I turned my head totally and caught Jasmin's eyes. She was laughing but I saw a flicker of something else in her gaze. Jealousy? I don't know. Maybe it was a bit of fear. She must have felt as insecure about this subject as me. But she had started it and now it would have been strange to just drop it. I guess her teasing me was a way of playing down her own feelings. And, there, for sure, was also a good portion of curiosity about who was the one following her at my side.

“It's not like that. I'm still a single.” I explained.

“Oh, are you? I would have thought....but you....” Jasmin took a closer look at me. I had to drop my eyes, in fear she was able to look to far into my soul. There are things going on in there, that I am not so sure about myself. And I don't think I am ready to lay it out in front of anybody else yet. Maybe it would help me though. I don't know. How can I explain it to someone, if I don't know myself what is going on.

I forgot how well Jasmin knows me. She still has that ability. To read me and my feelings by just looking at me. That's why she immediately recognised that I was hiding something from her.

“What is going on, Myra?” She asked, her voice gentle and caring.

I shook my head.
“It's hard to explain. There's....it's okay. I just have to figure some things out. With time.”

“You know, you can trust me. Remember, we wanted to get back to what we had before? You were able to tell me everything back then. Allow yourself to trust me like that again. I won't disappoint you. I promise.” Jasmin took my left hand and held it gently in her own.

I felt a tear come to my eye. With her gentle words and the memory of how close we once were, I suddenly felt as if it was the right thing to do. To trust her again like back then. Whom else could I trust more than the person that was always my best friend? We never stopped being best friends. I know that for sure. Plus, we had talked about it earlier that day. Here was a chance for me to prove that I was ready to trust her again.

“It's quiet difficult. And I haven't figured it all out myself.” I started. How far could I go? How much could I give of myself?

“Start at the beginning.” Jasmin tried to help me out. She still was holding my hand. My eyes dropped to them. I turned our hands around and allowed my fingertips to slowly draw circles on Jasmin's palm.

“Her name is Dana. I'm working with her. She's a very nice, sweet and caring person.”
Jasmin leaned back, a silent sigh escaping her lips. I immediately stopped, scared I was hurting her with my words. She waved my worried look off and nodded.

“Go on. I'm listening.”

“Anyway, she gets beaten by her husband.” I stated calmly. “And I don't know what to do about it.”

I looked at Jasmin for a reaction. She raised a brow in wonder.
“Is that it?”

“Well...yes...kinda...” I wasn't sure if she had realised that there was more. But I wanted to go step by step. And see where that was taking us.

“Phew, that is...what is she saying about it?”

“Not much. She's waving it off. Saying that it is her fault and stuff like that. She doesn't see that what he is doing is wrong and that it isn't her fault. And there is no way I can make her understand. I don't even know how to.” My thoughts suddenly returned to the few times when Dana and me had fought and how much I had tried to tell her that it wasn't her fault. That she should end it. And how she had just told me off for it.

“Has she been at the police?” Jasmin asked.

“No, she would never do that. She says her husband, Frank, will never do it again. And that she forgives him. Because she loves him.” I shrugged my shoulders helplessly. I didn't like talking about all that stuff. It was so much easier to just push it to the back of my mind.

“Do you think he will do it again?”

“He has. Just a short time ago. Still, she forgives him and takes it.”

Jasmin  took a deep breath and out of the corner of my eye I was able to see that she was pondering what to say.

“I don't know if you will be able to help her. I mean, I have no idea about stuff like that. But I have read a few things here and there. And to me, it looks like women who live their life like that and accept it, can't be helped. If they want it like that.”

Her words were hard for me to hear. Dana doesn't want it like that. I am very sure of that. And I don't want her to want it like that.
“No, I can't accept that. She deserves so much better. It's not right to just say that if she wants it that way, that's what she gets. It can't be.”

“But what do you want to do? It's her choice. Her life. How do you want to force her to do something she doesn't want to do.”

“I don't know. But there must be a way.” Suddenly the anger and frustration from the situation took a hold over me again. I jumped up from the couch and started pacing up and down my living room. “How can I just stand there and watch her getting hurt again and again?”

Jasmin watched me for a few moments silently. Then her sympathetic voice caught my attention.
“You love her, right?”

I stopped in my tracks and looked at her. Was it that obvious? Or was it just because she knew me so well? What to answer to that?

I felt my shoulders fall and then I shrugged, just shaking my head without words. There was nothing I could say, really. I couldn't lie to Jasmin. But I also wasn't ready to admit it to her.

Jasmin nodded and got up from the sofa. She stepped up to me and pulled me into a hug.
“It's okay. That's okay. Don't worry.”

I returned her hug, using the moment to feel at least a bit like I was hid from the world.
“I....don't want....her...to...suffer like this....I can't...see...it.” I stammered against Jasmin's shoulder.

“I know, sweety. I know.” Jasmin stroked over my back, but then pulled away from me. “But, as I said, I'm not sure, if there is anything you will be able to do. And if she loves her husband....” She shook her head. I guess she didn't want to say aloud what was on her mind. And on mine. She said it anyway after a second.
“If she loves her husband, you can't do anything about it. And, most of all, her an you...”

“I know. You don't need to explain that to me.” I fell into Jasmin's words. She really didn't need to point that out to me. I know that there never will be a her and me between Dana and me. I'm not dumb. Plus, as I said before, I would never try to hit on a straight woman.
“I know that I will never have a chance with her. It's not what I want. I just want to keep her from harm. I hate how she suffers and when I see her pain.”

“Maybe, with time, she will see that she's wrong in her opinion. Maybe, if you're her friend, you can slowly help her with that. She probably needs someone to help her see, that she's stronger than she thinks she is. Because leaving her husband in a situation like that, must be hard. Especially if she loves him still. But...” Jasmin returned to the sofa and looked at me. I sat down beside her again. “...don't count on her ever leaving him. I heard that most of the women stay with their husbands forever. No matter how hard it all gets for them.”

It hurt me to hear that. I don't want it to be hard for Dana. But what else can I do than watch and take care of her after it has happened. Maybe though, it will never happen again. Hopefully. And then all this worry will be for nothing.

“Thank you, Jasmin.” I said and smiled at Jasmin.

“I didn't do anything. But I hope what I said will not be true for your friend. That she will find the strength to leave.”

“Me too.” I agreed.

We sat beside each other in silence for a few moments. Both hanging on to our own thoughts. I didn't like it very much. So I spoke again and asked her about her life and what was going on in it. She was happy about the change of topic as well, I think.

She said that she has a single room apartment in Berlin now. The prices for renting apartments are extremely high in Berlin and with so many students being there it was hard for her to find a place to stay at all. But she found something small and cozy. Besides that, she said, she was going to university and studying at home a lot. She met some nice fellow students with whom she's going out form time to time. But, she's still single. Jasmin also explained, that she really wasn't searching for anybody at the moment because she wants to concentrate on her studies.

Was I happy to hear that she has no new girlfriend? I don't think so. Well, not especially happy or something. I would have been happy if she wasn't alone. But she seems very happy and content with how things are going in her life at the moment. So, no worries about that. And, as a matter of fact, I don't think I would have an issue to hear about a new lover.  Sure, it would have been a bit strange. But okay with me. We will see if that is really like that when she's going to tell me one day that she's fallen in love with someone again. I bet it won't take very long. For she is such a beautiful, open, funny and loving person. If things were different, I would be happy to be at her side still. But that chapter has been closed. Tightly. For us both. This day shows it. And we are both more than okay with it and with each other. I am happy about that.

I took Jasmin back to the station by 10 p.m. I felt sad to let her go, but we promised to talk on the phone on a regular basis. And to come visit as often as possible. No way, that we will lose contact again like that. We're the best of friends. And it feels so pretty, damn good.

I went to bed right after coming home. It had been a long, exciting day. I hope to do it again soon because I miss Jasmin already.

Maybe I will go phone her now. Just to check if she got back home well. Yes, I will do that....

Take care!

Yours,


                          Myra