The Undiscovered Country

Why am I here?

I've asked that question much of late. Why do I remain here at writing.com? Is it to write, to better my skills, or is it more a social club?

Do I interact out of obligation, that because people read and comment on my work, I must return the favor?

I don't shirk the friendship you've given me. In fact I treasure it. You've taught me much, made me laugh, and encouraged me when I needed it most.

But I also lost the main reason I signed up now almost three years ago.

It was easy, starting an online journal about my walk with God. Anonymity gives a person courage to say whatever is on the mind, no matter how controversial. After all, if someone doesn't have a personal relationship with the reader, there's nothing to lose in saying whatever he or she wants.

Now that I've developed relationships with some of you, including exchanging telephone numbers, I think long and hard about what I add to my journal. I toss aside many a subject out of fear I might offend or upset you.

That's a terrible attitude. After all, you came here to start because you enjoyed reading what I had to say, even if you didn't agree. I can't count one comment that was mean or insulting. Sure there was much heated debate, but always there was respect.

Why did that change? Have I lost courage because I lost my anonymity?

Last week I started a new Bible study. It's called "Experiencing God" by Henry & Richard Blackaby and Claude King.

Lesson (or Unit) 4 discussed how we need to focus our prayers, and where to look for God's will.

It made me realize I pray backward. The lesson stressed to pray for God to show us where he's working, and then to follow. For instance, the writers tried to start a new church. For three years they met with failure. Finally they prayed, "God show me where you're working." For example, instead of studying demographics for the perfect place for a new church, the writers asked local people in surrounding towns what their needs were. One man who happened to see the question in a church bulletin asked if they were serious about starting a new church in a needing community. Turns out he had been trying to start one for 24 years, but couldn't gain enough interest. Within a year, they had a new building and thriving congregation.

Instead of trying to lead God with my wants, needs and desires, I should ask him to show me where he needs me and let him lead me there. I don't have to worry about not having the experience, knowledge and wisdom to tackle the task he places before me, because he will provide everything I need. After all, why would he give me a task and not give me the proper tools? That would be like a foreman telling his workers to dig a trench but give them nothing to dig with.

What does this have to do with writing.com and my journal?

A few things. I didn't pray specifically for God to invite me to join him where he's working, but I received a message loud and clear two days ago.

I came within one mouse-click of deleting my "Sharing Your Faith"  campfire, and even contemplated deleting the entire "God's Way Group" . I accept much of the blame for ignoring the group myself, but participation had dropped to zero for almost a year. Even sending out emails asking for people to pick up the campfire yielded only silence. I figured there was no point in keeping something no one was interested in.

I gave the campfire one more shot, and within an hour the next person in line contributed, with two others expressing interest.

Three others requested inclusion into the group since then.

As for my journal, by editing my novella which focuses on how God pursues us no matter what we've done in our past, I realized I lost my way. The original intent of my journal here - both of them - was to glorify God. Sure, I wrote an occasional entry about my walk, but it focused mostly on my day-to-day life. Heck, here I had a journal on a writing site, and I rarely talked about writing!

If I am to write a book about God, I need to know more about him and then relay that knowledge through my fiction. I can only do that by keeping my heart and mind on him, and the best way for me has always been through writing.

He has blessed me much through this journal, and I would like to keep it that way. Though it may be a selfish prayer, I hope he continues to lead me here and write about what he wants me to write about.

Anonymous or known, it shouldn't matter. Only God matters. Everything else is mere detail.

Don't worry, I'll still write about my son's antics as he grows. Thomas to me is one of God's greatest blessings, so I have to share him.