I'm Studying You

Happy Father's Day, finally.

The old man's got some questionable timing.

I called my dad like the angellic son that I am on Fathers's Day and got his voicemail so I left him a message. I even called my aunt to remind him to check his voicemail. Hadn't heard from homeboy all week.

I had already signed in for some low-level debauchery with my new adopted posse upstairs when he finally called back after 7 last night.

"Hey. This is dad."

"I'm aware of that. What's goin' on?"

"Ohhh nothin'. Listen, you gonna be home around 9:30, ten in the morning?"

"Yeah, sure dad," I said, hoping the enthusiasm in my voice was making up for my cringing...I knew I was gonna wanna sleep in, but I guess not.

Got off the phone and before I knew it it was 4am. Yikes! Sadly, most of the hi-jinks occurred after I got home and started texting In Your Dirtiest Pants . But I figured what the hell, for the couple of times she's done it to me. The only difference is I wind up sleeping through my ringtone. Hehe.

So after about 4 hours of sleep I dragged my ass into the shower and dad shows up, coming through in the clutch with a carton of smokes. Says he wants to go to the flea market. Fine. I used to love it when I was a kid. Now I go just to stare at people.

Pop Deisel asks me if I hafta go anywhere or need anything. Nope, all set homes, but thanks. He asks me if I wanna stop by his place, so I go. Then when we get to his place, listen to the shit he pulls:

Dude turns on some cowboy western crap movie and falls asleep in the recliner...with the remote ! And to top it off, his new one-month-old kitten falls asleep in my lap and fusses everytime I try to move.

Here's an ESPN Instant Classic story about my dad: When he adopted the cat from the SPCA, they asked him what he wanted to name him. He named him C.J. When I asked him what C.J. stood for, he just kinda shrugged and said "I don't know...nothin' really."

So he wakes up and says somethin' 'bout grabbin' lunch. I had no preference so I left it up to him, thinkin' I have enough cash on me to cover us if he picks somewhere cheap. Uhhh...dad's in the mood for some rib place that I've never been to, Famous Dave's. And these are not fast food dolla dolla bills we'll be spending. And I don't really do pork, but if that's what the old man oinks, that's what the old man gets. I'll eat anything (except Thai) if I'm not responsible for the tab.

We eat and we're stuffed. And then he says the most preposterous thing I've ever heard him say (and sounding very much like a teenage girl): "I think we need to go to the mall!"

Duuuude nooooo is what I'm trying to say but all I can muster is a "sure" that isn't convincing. But dad has proven that my not always "getting the hint" comes from his side of the family.

Seriously...the mall is mobbed on saturdays, dad isn't very talkative and there's nothing besides milfs and hot Canadian chickage at the mall that I want. But it wasn't too bad...he wanted some input on a new tv and I made some cutie's day when she offered me a sample of shampoo and I said I was only taking it cuz she was cute.

Oh, and why didn't dad call me earlier? My aunt bought him airfare to and from Tampa to see my sis, so good for him!

Anyway, the kids are out and about and callin' me, so I'm gonna peace out of here and catch up on all y'alls later. Hope the weekend isn't killing anyone.

And dad, hope you liked that Johnny Cash card. Happy fathers' day. Love ya.