I'm Studying You

These are a few of my least favorite things.

Well, because I'm an American, and one of our nation's collective favorite hobbies is complaining about the things that piss us off (rather than just appreciating what we have), I offer this list of things that creep me out or irritate my soft folds:

The lady sitting next to me at the library with the rash on her forehead that looks like she tried to clear up with a vacuum cleaner.

Those 12-packs of gum that come in those aluminum-sealed plastic bubbles. Sure, they're not as bulky as the old-school 17-packs of Big Red (which I can no longer chew because the cinnamon irritates the roof of my mouth worse than hot soup), but it's inevitable that one or two pieces of this ridiculously priced breath freshener ($2 a pack? I'll stick to smoking) is going to wind up being supercharged in that packaging and when I go to pop a piece out, it's going to come flying out and I'm either going to lose an eye or injure a small, defenseless child. I typically lose 1-2 pieces in a pack on average.

And speaking of smoking, NY cigarettes are really irritating. A few years back they passed a law to make smokes "self-estinguishing". In layman's terms, this means if you don't take a drag for 30 seconds to a minute, the cigarette magically goes out and you have to relight it. And if you're not careful, you run the risk of lighting up your facial hair, which is not a pleasant smell. I think this law is a conspiracy launched by the government to actually increase smoking. It makes you smoke a little faster, putting the nicotine into your body quicker, making you want to smoke more, so you'll buy more cigarettes and pay more of the increased tax NY just levied again on smokers. But if you ask me, everything's the government's fault.

Bands who put out an album with a pretty decent hit song that launches them into superstardom. That's not so annoying, but when those bands then consistently put out album after album that keeps getting better and better, radio stations are still stuck in 1994 and only play that one big hit. For example, Radiohead and the song "Creep". Yeah, it's not a bad song. But they've put out so many better songs over the years. However, if I hear "Creep" on the radio one more time, I'm going to take my Easton Black Max softball bat to either my stereo or a radio programming executive.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53xJ9BDPQ3Y

Cars that drive through parking lots like it's the Indy 500 and that parking spot next to the Handicapped one seems like the only empty spot on the other side of the lot.

Taking a walk and getting halfway to my destination when the batteries crap out on my music player. And not wanting to stop and buy one or two more AA's because you know you've got a shit-ton of them at home. Or getting to your destination, say, for example, a fast food joint. You finish your meal, and as you're throwing out your trash and clearing off your table, the skies unleash the heaviest downpour you've seen all decade while the wind turns your umbrella inside-out.

Saying hi to a stranger on the street, only to be stared at like you're going to mug them. Please lady, what am I gonna steal? Your Aqua Net? Your babushka? I think these people are Communists.

What really gets me though, is trying to hang a kid's mountain bike in a tree and the stronger branch is about a fist's length too far away, the grease from the chain gets all over your hands, and the little punk you're trying to irritate comes out and asks you in his dumbest voice, "Hey...what are you guys doing?" We're trying to recreate the statue of liberty, moron. Go away.

Well, that's all I got for today. Just thought I'd like to share. And hey, not all is wrong in the world. Coldplay just put out a new album. Hope it doesn't put me to sleep. Have a great day!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IakDItZ7f7Q