I'm Studying You

Rats Huffing WD-40

It's window season finally at 542. Which means it's project day around mi casa. Which is pretty funny, cuz I'm not a project person.

Ladies, sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not a handy-man. Screwdrivers are drinks, not tools, and hammered is what they can get you, not something you use to pound things.

Anyway, the storm windows needed some moving around. One needed replacing, and I had no idea that when the animals kids next door broke the one storm window, the frame to it was still in place.

Add to this mayhem the fact that I first attempted this madness at about 8:30 this morning. Because for some inexplicable reason, my body decided I didn't need to sleep past 6:30.

So there I am, smoke in one hand, screwdriver in the other. I was hoping to attack this from the outside so I wouldn't have to remove the screen, which meant I had to remove a strip of metal that runs horizonally along the middle of the window. For some reason, the window that was in place was bigger than half the size of the entire window area place thingey. Whatever you call it.

Yup, grabbed the wrong screwdriver. Then another. And another. And if my cordless screwdriver was charged, I'da brought that sum-bitch out too. Figuring it can't possibly be my weak, puny arms, I brought out the heavy artillery: WD-40. Word...time to get aerosol on these bad boys!

I couldn't even tell ya how old that can of WD-40 is, but I do know that I hadn't even used it yet. To my knowledge...which is suspect anyway. I stuck that little red straw they give ya where it's supposed to go, lined my aimer up with the blue dot, and commenced fire. I wondered if I'd ever felt more like a man in my life . I gave it to 'em good.

Grabbed the best implement for the job and tried again. Those little fuckers aren't coming out. Shit. This just turns my project into selecting a Democratic candidate for President.

My screens are old. Very old. Which kind of makes my apartment an easy mark for people who get off on taking what isn't theirs. Not that I have much of value anyway, and besides, if I did and my windows were made of bricks and they wanted to loot me bad enough they'd find a way. This is Buffalo...folks is resourceful, ya hear?

Some of the screens are missing one of the tiny little prong-like protrusions that help it stay on/in track. You know what that means...bug the landlord for new windows duct tape time! I got to the cabinet where the duct tape lives, thinking this is one of two times a year when I actually use duct tape so I've got to have a ton of it. Nope. None. Outta business. Damn.

Fixed up the windows as best I could and even though I was determined to finish what I'd started before I come home to a cleaned-out house some day, I made the decision that I would go to Walgreens (and for those of you keeping score at home, CWC was not present today) for the crucial step in the process of keeping my place cool for the summer (besides the fact that it's just damn cool all year 'round).

Long story short, got my duct tape, got some breakfast, came home and secured the premesis. Put all my man-toys away, even the WD-40, with the straw still intact. See, there have been complaints in the village lately of rats. Fucking rats. They've been migrating to the 'burbs ever since the city started using big totes for people's garbage. I've never seen one. I've seen all sorts of crazy shit...skunks, raccoons, cripes even a turkey. Two mice in the 7 years at my joint. No rats. The village has rewritten the code on garbage disposal now. All garbage must be put out to the curb no sooner than a specified time (no idea when...that's how well I pay attention) in a sealed, water-tight container. Or you will be fined and/or publicly lashed.

Fine. Fine me. Bite me. Ya know how many plastic cans are in my backyard right now for all of us in the building? Seven. Take a guess as to how many have lids. Yup. None. Every freaking time my landlord or I bought a new can, the lids would last maybe a month before the wind would blow them away or the idiot sanitation workers would just toss them anywhere, including in their trash heap. So I'm leaving the straw on my WD-40, just in case a rat happened to end up in the cabinets under the sink. Let 'em sip on that. Then I can take a dead rat to the next village board meeting and say "Here ya go. Get us some garbage totes."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ei-L_AuuaxI
Rolling Stone magazine named this one of it's top 100 "Great Guitar Songs Of All Time." I never thought of it as such; I always thought of Rod Stewart as quite the pretentious wanker. Regarless, it still sits as a pretty decent tune in my book. And Rod- mic's are for singin', not for swingin'.